So Say We All

Feeling really down, and I'm not sure if I know a reason.. Or if there even is one. In theory, everything seems to be doing great. I have no constant worries or issues that floats through my mind.
There's small problems, indeed.. But everyone has them, and they're usually incapable of affecting my mood.. So I doubt that's the reason.
I do know I'm senstitive to weather changes / season changes.. Usually winter - spring, autumn - winter leads to me getting panic attacks easier. I've had a little bit issues with that, and it might have made some chemical imbalances trigger in meh headz. Who knows.
Or maybe I'll  feel obligated to solve whatever's keeping me down, if I admit it to myself.. And I don't feel like I have the energy for that?
I don't know.. I wish the whole world would leave me be, and I could just stay in bed all day long.
I don't miss not having a purpose in life - but I certainly miss my laidback daily life.
I could shut the world out whenever I wanted to, now it's somewhat more challenging.
There's consequences to things I don't even feel worthy consequences (the social).
I guess - in the end - I feel bad about me feeling bad - which impacts my performance.. It's somewhat of a vicious cycle that.. I feel derpessive, so I don't do my schoolwork as well as I'd normally do, so I feel even worse, and it keeps bottling up.
But why did I feel bad to begin with?
There's some economical challenges, is that why?
There's alot of social confusions, did that trigger anything?

I'm wondering what friends are, as well..
I have *insertname* who's very self-absorbed. She only comes to me when she's in great need, and shuts me out when she isn't. She's big on praising me, making it hard to reject her when she first feels like "draining" me.  I've known her for a while, so it's hard to push that aside.. I am not sure I should, I liked having someone on my side. But she can never let me "drain" her.

I have *insertname2*.. He's of a similar group as she is. Self-absorbed and draining, yet never willing to put up with my drain. I wouldn't mind getting rid of him entirely, I just don't know how to.
Being isolated socially for so many years, has put it's strain on my ability to say no and be rejective.

There's *insertnameschool1*.. She's a really good hearted person, but she's also very pushy. She's not the smartest kid in the block, so to speak. But she's the only person I feel I can count on.

*Insertnameschool2*.. She's the most confusing one. I get so well along with her, and I feel like she's someone who can take my shit. I feel like she could be my best friend, and none of these others would make a difference then. She claims to see me as such a close friend of hers, and how she wants to be my friend and be there for me. But then time goes on, and I barely hear from her. Sometimes she's rejective in the class we have together. I decided to ask her to hang out with me this weekend, just to see what she said, and she somewhat blew it off. I wish I understood this one.

Then there's 3 randoms.. Wouldn't call them friends, but I've definately been socially involved with them. One of them is the one who was hatin' on me - she seemed to have changed her mind.. She even was somewhat friendly, last time we spoke. But she also seemed a bit cold, in the end. Not sure if I said or did something wrong. I hope I'm reading too much into this, we just started speaking - after all.
Then there's the girl I went out with a while ago.. She was all open and honest about her faults, and got a little too drunk. But she seemed like she really liked me and wanted to be friends. I've added her to FB, but she's ignored it.. And when I saw her IRL, she totally ignored me. Blew me off.. Doesn't help that she's of the "cool kidz" people. Attractive women, who's got the whole world at their feet, basically. I guess it was a drunken thing, inspite of her being really kind at first - even while sober.
Then there's the last one.. No real problems there, we don't get super well along - to begin with. She's really nice, but we're in a very different place. Our common ground is small. This is mutual though.

Doubt this can impact my mood though, but it's still nice to get it all out..
Then there's the economical problems..
Car is going to fuckhellshithole again.. Oil leak 3 places, some pump for the steeringwheel broke, back breaks are getting raped.. This is gonna be pricy business, AGAIN. Lovin' the car my mom sold me atm.
Not to mention årsavgift, reregistration and insurance fees - all at once.
Not sure how I'll pull that off with my lovely income.

I've also gained lots of weight again.. My attempt to quit alcohol brought a rebel upon me. Not only did I refuse to quit drinking, but I started fucking up in other places.. Food, normal drinks, exercise, schoolwork.. You name it.
Being too disicplined on myself has never function. I should have known it would lead to this, it always does.. You tell me to start working, I grab all the money I can get my hands on and take off.. You won't hear from me again, until you're too worried that something happened to me, to worry about me running away.
Say what you want, but I feel incapable of controlling these impulses. I can definately impact them, but the urges either have to be fulfilled, or I'll end up extremely suicidal and self-destructive.. The protective part of myself, prefers pleasant urges to these suicidal attacks.
I've quit cutting myself or abusing alcohol and pills, but I'd like it to stay that way. I need some balance for school.
So yeah.. I hope I can gain some control on the easier levels (food and drinks). Alcohol is something I don't want to quit.. I think I made that decision for the wrong reasons.. I have 3-4 "important" people in my life, who dislike my drinking.. So I thought I'd gain a win/win situation, but these kinda things need to be done for yourself.. And yourself only. Atleast if you're a selfish person.
Losing weight, while drinking alcohol once a week, is challenging.. But it's doable. I'll stick to what I know works.
It's hard to be in charge of my own recovery - entirely.. I really wish to be able to see a psychologist again soon. Maybe that could offer the missing support. When my life falls apart - for no apparent reason - they have some helpful wisdom at my aid.

Dinner for today: Soy sausages with potato salad and regular salad. Gonna be yum.. Imitating a BBQ :P
Laterz alligatorz.