Hello

Hello lolz.
Went to bed around midnight yesterday, still I slept til around 16.00 <.<
This weather is making me long for certain things.. Romance.. so I'm laying around daydreaming. It's calmed a bit down, this weekend all I wanted to do was daydream lolz.
Went to check out an appartment today. It was very nice, but something in his voice told me he wasn't gonna choice me :P So that sucks, as I'd love to live there.. But changes freak me a bit out, I suppose, especially when it's all in my hand.. So that's the bright side of it!
Would be nice to have space though.. And my own stuff. Furniture.
The house had a bathroom bigger than my whole appartment <3 lol.. I love fancy bathrooms, so I suppose that's what made me love on this appartment. And doggy's allowed.
Anyway..
My day hasn't been all too amazing. Not saying it was bad, cause it was anything but bad.. But boring :P
I've eaten 2 canned soups. 120 calories per one. I had a cracker with the first soup, and a salad with the other one. I'm up in 500 calories or so, exhaggerated.
Dinner today is gonna be soy sausages again.. With salad, "lompe" and fried onion.
Hope to stick in the 1200 calorie limit today.. Which really isn't hard. It's the damn coke and the beer that destroys it all!!!
But I hid my non diet cokes in the closet, and my beers as well :P
Although beer can tempt me no matter how much out of sight it may be.
Printed out lots of school stuff today, but ran out of printing paper.. I printed out the most essential stuff anyway, so no problemo for now.
Just need it before the exams in one and a half month.
This weather is making me ultimately slack on school work though.. But I work very well under pressure, so I'll hardcore read before exams. For now I've been skipping the voulenteer articles, and sticking only to the book.
After this blog entry I have zero clue what to do :<
I've cleaned a bit around.. I'm out of stuff to do.. Unless I wanna game. Which I don't. I must resist.
Or I'll end up staying up too long, and lose all motivation again GG.
Gotta drop by my doctor and pick up some papers.. Some papers confirming my diagnosis, for the oral exam.. So they can keep it in mind, or something.
I'll juice all pardons, cause my nerves go to hell when I have to discuss topics. I'd rather avoid a panic attack.. I have a great method against this. It's called beer. But I suppose it's better to stay sober, incase they notice.

I'm gonna make a top something hawt guys list now <.<
Excluding the non famous ones (2 of them).
I'll try to think of 10 people.. Gonna be rough, I have 6 acceptable ones atm. (but it'll keep me busy, yay)
Kay.. now that I gave it some thought, it's a top 13 now.. Cause of some come on the list, then I can think of some others that deserves it too.

13:

Skrillex. Not his hottest days (current days), but he deserves a spot for being attractive in the past.. And because his hair is cool. He might wanna consider tanning himself, fixing his weird hair (grow it back?) and dump the glasses. But whatever. A solid 13th place for you.

12:

Cody Kasch. Also not too hot, by pure looks.. But I think him and Skrillex have a similar face, and atleast this guy knows to do good looking glasses. But mostly it's cause I liked his character in Desperate Housewives. So it's a personality thing.. Even though it's fiction. Does that mean he's only fictionally hot?

11:

Ricardo Antonio Chavira. Also don't find him too attractive (based on looks), but he has a badass personality in Desperate Housewives. So badass that it makes him really sexy, even. But he also has a great voice. So that adds some +++++ points.

10:

Aaron Douglas. Well he belongs to my group 3 of male types I find attractive. It's not really a personality thing here either (fictional one ofc), but it's not pure looks either. But who doesn't love Chief?

09:

Vince Vaughn. Also more badass than hot.. But he could easily fit into my group 3, so I'll let it slide.

08:

John Hennigan. When it comes to looks, he's got it all.. But still there's something missing. Maybe he's too awesome to be hot?

07:

Bridger Zadina. 'Nuff said.. A guy who's played a female. Win? Feeling a little pedobear for bringing him up, though.. Should I worry? I believe he's past the legal age by now!

06:

Michael Trucco. Carried mostly by his part in BSG.. But he's got a nice voice as well, and his looks aren't all too bad.

05: 

Rafael Nadal. As long as he keeps his mouth shut, and his poor English to himself, he's quite the catch.. His looks are close to perfect. I wouldn't complain if he was mine.

04:

Orlando Bloom. A really good looking guy.. He seems really charming, making him a type that easily can melt hearts <.< Maybe he flirted his way to the top? It'd sure work on me. Either way, with the long hair (and I'd prefer it if he was shaven) he's a stunner.. He's receiving minus points for rarely living up to my standards here.

Desmond Harrington. Perfect personality much? That's what he's got in Dexter. Loving his smartass half-jerk attitude. But he also has a general look I'm fond of. Male type group 2, he belongs in. 

02: 

Johnny Depp. A must have on all these kinda lists. Truly one of the best looking males ever to have walked the planet? 

01: 

Tom Wisdom. The third best looking male in the world, if you ask me. He belongs to my group 1, and my favorite group. He's got the good looking face, the cheekbones, the eyes, the body.. He's got it all. 

P.S: In reality every spot would be pushed down 2 ranks, and there'd be 2 IRL ones. One from group 2 (second place) and another from group 1 (the ultimate looker of this planet). 

Feeling really down, and I'm not sure if I know a reason.. Or if there even is one. In theory, everything seems to be doing great. I have no constant worries or issues that floats through my mind.
There's small problems, indeed.. But everyone has them, and they're usually incapable of affecting my mood.. So I doubt that's the reason.
I do know I'm senstitive to weather changes / season changes.. Usually winter - spring, autumn - winter leads to me getting panic attacks easier. I've had a little bit issues with that, and it might have made some chemical imbalances trigger in meh headz. Who knows.
Or maybe I'll  feel obligated to solve whatever's keeping me down, if I admit it to myself.. And I don't feel like I have the energy for that?
I don't know.. I wish the whole world would leave me be, and I could just stay in bed all day long.
I don't miss not having a purpose in life - but I certainly miss my laidback daily life.
I could shut the world out whenever I wanted to, now it's somewhat more challenging.
There's consequences to things I don't even feel worthy consequences (the social).
I guess - in the end - I feel bad about me feeling bad - which impacts my performance.. It's somewhat of a vicious cycle that.. I feel derpessive, so I don't do my schoolwork as well as I'd normally do, so I feel even worse, and it keeps bottling up.
But why did I feel bad to begin with?
There's some economical challenges, is that why?
There's alot of social confusions, did that trigger anything?

I'm wondering what friends are, as well..
I have *insertname* who's very self-absorbed. She only comes to me when she's in great need, and shuts me out when she isn't. She's big on praising me, making it hard to reject her when she first feels like "draining" me.  I've known her for a while, so it's hard to push that aside.. I am not sure I should, I liked having someone on my side. But she can never let me "drain" her.

I have *insertname2*.. He's of a similar group as she is. Self-absorbed and draining, yet never willing to put up with my drain. I wouldn't mind getting rid of him entirely, I just don't know how to.
Being isolated socially for so many years, has put it's strain on my ability to say no and be rejective.

There's *insertnameschool1*.. She's a really good hearted person, but she's also very pushy. She's not the smartest kid in the block, so to speak. But she's the only person I feel I can count on.

*Insertnameschool2*.. She's the most confusing one. I get so well along with her, and I feel like she's someone who can take my shit. I feel like she could be my best friend, and none of these others would make a difference then. She claims to see me as such a close friend of hers, and how she wants to be my friend and be there for me. But then time goes on, and I barely hear from her. Sometimes she's rejective in the class we have together. I decided to ask her to hang out with me this weekend, just to see what she said, and she somewhat blew it off. I wish I understood this one.

Then there's 3 randoms.. Wouldn't call them friends, but I've definately been socially involved with them. One of them is the one who was hatin' on me - she seemed to have changed her mind.. She even was somewhat friendly, last time we spoke. But she also seemed a bit cold, in the end. Not sure if I said or did something wrong. I hope I'm reading too much into this, we just started speaking - after all.
Then there's the girl I went out with a while ago.. She was all open and honest about her faults, and got a little too drunk. But she seemed like she really liked me and wanted to be friends. I've added her to FB, but she's ignored it.. And when I saw her IRL, she totally ignored me. Blew me off.. Doesn't help that she's of the "cool kidz" people. Attractive women, who's got the whole world at their feet, basically. I guess it was a drunken thing, inspite of her being really kind at first - even while sober.
Then there's the last one.. No real problems there, we don't get super well along - to begin with. She's really nice, but we're in a very different place. Our common ground is small. This is mutual though.

Doubt this can impact my mood though, but it's still nice to get it all out..
Then there's the economical problems..
Car is going to fuckhellshithole again.. Oil leak 3 places, some pump for the steeringwheel broke, back breaks are getting raped.. This is gonna be pricy business, AGAIN. Lovin' the car my mom sold me atm.
Not to mention årsavgift, reregistration and insurance fees - all at once.
Not sure how I'll pull that off with my lovely income.

I've also gained lots of weight again.. My attempt to quit alcohol brought a rebel upon me. Not only did I refuse to quit drinking, but I started fucking up in other places.. Food, normal drinks, exercise, schoolwork.. You name it.
Being too disicplined on myself has never function. I should have known it would lead to this, it always does.. You tell me to start working, I grab all the money I can get my hands on and take off.. You won't hear from me again, until you're too worried that something happened to me, to worry about me running away.
Say what you want, but I feel incapable of controlling these impulses. I can definately impact them, but the urges either have to be fulfilled, or I'll end up extremely suicidal and self-destructive.. The protective part of myself, prefers pleasant urges to these suicidal attacks.
I've quit cutting myself or abusing alcohol and pills, but I'd like it to stay that way. I need some balance for school.
So yeah.. I hope I can gain some control on the easier levels (food and drinks). Alcohol is something I don't want to quit.. I think I made that decision for the wrong reasons.. I have 3-4 "important" people in my life, who dislike my drinking.. So I thought I'd gain a win/win situation, but these kinda things need to be done for yourself.. And yourself only. Atleast if you're a selfish person.
Losing weight, while drinking alcohol once a week, is challenging.. But it's doable. I'll stick to what I know works.
It's hard to be in charge of my own recovery - entirely.. I really wish to be able to see a psychologist again soon. Maybe that could offer the missing support. When my life falls apart - for no apparent reason - they have some helpful wisdom at my aid.

Dinner for today: Soy sausages with potato salad and regular salad. Gonna be yum.. Imitating a BBQ :P
Laterz alligatorz.

Sunday.

Had a decent weekend.
Friday I attended a party krzy and someone who previously disliked me.
Went ok, I believe. Unless it's just drunken BS from her side, which has happened to me a few times with new "friends" from my school. But she seemed sincere. I liked her more than I expected.
Saturday I stayed home.. Drank some beers in the night while BG'ing in SWTOR. Leveling this way alone is inefficient, and has probably cost me a few levels.
Talked to a school friend on FB, and regret some things I said. Wanted to be better friends with her etc. Weird, I usually would never tell anyone. Alcohol -.-
Also made an inappropriate drunken post.. I might be overreacting though.. Commented someone's video, that's all.
Lolz.

Dang 25 today. Scraped together enough cash for my mount. Had to borrow 8k even, and still can't afford all my new abilities.. And I'm almost lvl 26 lolz.
I also got a new companion.. His name is Quinn, which is awesome (: My Dexter crush, after all..
I bought 2 new skins for him.. One I truly regret (THIS is why I couldn't afford mount, I was foolish!!)..
The other one has turned him into a prince.. Before he used to make me wanna pukey.
Satisfied with this weekend's effort in SWTOR anyhow.
Looking forward 'til the next one.

Yupyup.

P.S: I dedicate this song to Nitro :) :D <3

That awkward feeling when..

Oh hello blog.
Took me a little while to balance my life around my recent interest: SWTOR.
My rule of not playing in weekdays is going pretty well, but it's also causing all my friends to outlvl me :P
My competitive nature isn't too fond of this.
I'm playing sith marauder again... I'm lvl 22 only. But I've got all the time in the world. In a month and a half I can go hardcore, as my school will be over. Atleast the none insane subjects :)
I'm still only mastering the insane subject very well.. Probably cause I put alot of effort into it, at the expense of the others. I'd rather have decent grades in all, than good grades in 3 and one awful one. So I guess I made the right decision.. But since this school is so low on time, we never have the time to test the individual student's abilities, so I'm not entirely sure how well I'm doing.
One subject that bugs me is P.E (theory). It's all very repeatative.. Lots of chapters about different exercise styles.. And it always says "THE IMPORTANT THING OF THIS TYPE OF EXERCISE IS TO HAVE A GOOD WARM UP, DIVERSITY, GRADUAL IMPROVEMENT AND STRETCHING/CD AFTERWARDS LOL!!". Starting to become hard to keep them apart.. Not to mention I don't know half the sport types or people mentioned as examples.. I've never had any interest for sports. Especially not the ones usually used as examples here. So the subject generally pisses me off and confuses me.. I don't know how they manage to get a 300 page book out of this, it all seems the same. And last year's exam seemed pretty basic and simple. Something doable for anyone with common knowledge.
Meh, I just hope I succeed. I'll do my best to do so..
But there's another vacation around the corner, and it will make me lose my motivation again.. Fo'sho -.-

I'm cool with the social again.. I guess it was a winter thing. I'm a lot more fond of the idea of prioritizing going out to staying in, being a loner.
However last party I felt really out of place.. I didn't feel excluded or anything.. I just felt like I really didn't wanna be there. Like I was wasting my time.
Maybe it was cause of lack of guys lol.
Then two guys arrived, and 30 mins or so after everyone wanted to go to the city.
I hate going to the city, so I wasn't fond of the plan.
Not to mention I kinda like one of those guys.. Ofc I stand no chance here either, tough luck. But I still like to hang out and socialize with him. He's atleast open to that, compared to my other example.
I've always found mini crushes to be a great way to start a good friendship.. Some of my best friendships came out of that, hence me not being too bitter about being friendzoned. The feelings calm down eventually, atleast if it isn't one of those "BAM" crushes that lead to being in love.

I have also discovered that krzy bitch and ginger girl seem to be really great people.. Maybe they're not perfect, but they're still really good people. I guess I expect too much from people, in order for me to feel like I'm not wasting my time with them. I should lower my expactations, and just appreciate good chemistry and good spirited people.
Maybe it's okay to waste your time with others sometimes.
Wanting a friend for years, finally getting one and then pushing them away.. That's what I did.. I hope it's not too late to fix it.. I don't think it is.

Anyway..
My mom called me. She really pissed me off again.. She calls me a couple of times a month, and only when there's business on the table. She doesn't ever want to know how I'm doing, what I'm doing etc.
And today she wanted me to mail her some car related papers. Ok, cool story bro, will do.. She hangs up after 3 mins cause her BF is too lazy to go to the gas station and grab a "special" salt for a "special" meal.
He can't do it himself?
Not to mention he nagged her 1000000 times while she was talking to me.. I guess 5 mins with my mom is too much to ask from the world.
I don't know what to do with her..
Is it really time to let her go now?
It's such a painful decision..
I don't even feel like it's entirely her fault. She's so weak for others.. I'm oversensitive about this as well.. But it's a problem nevertheless.. Doesn't matter if I'm overreacting, as long as it's messing with my everyday?
I suppose..
I don't really know.....................................
Mamma da <.<
Skulle ønske du kunne ta den samtalen vi hadde, i julen, seriøst. Jeg skjønner ikke hva du driver med. Jeg skjønner ikke hva du tenker. Jeg advarte deg ganske klart at hvis ting ikke endret seg, så kom jeg til å kutte deg ut. Du sa at ting kom til å endre seg nå, du kom jo tross alt til å bo i Norge nå.. Og kun 20 minutter unna en flyplass, som tydeligvis hadde en linje til Kristiansand.. Men hvor blir det av disse besøkene? Du sa du skulle komme allerede i begynnelsen av Februar. Nå snakker du om begynnelsen av April, men plutselig vet du ikke om du kan.. Du nevnte og å hjelpe meg med bil utgifter - som jeg urettferdig har fått grunnet av din kjæreste's løgner (aifink).. Men du må tydeligvis lyve til han om at du hjelper meg? Jeg skjønner ikke hva du driver med, jeg.. Jeg hører at du har det vondt grunnet av hans sønn.. Hvorfor blir du der? Jeg skjønner dette absolutt ikke. Det eneste jeg skjønner er at du bør begynne å ta meg seriøst snart. Dinne avgjørelser i livet har kostet meg flesk. Jeg sitter med lån jeg aldri hadde tatt opp, hadde du bare forklart meg hvordan ting egentlig fungerer. 120,000 NOK må jeg nedbetale før jeg kan begynne å tenke på universitet. Jeg sliter psykisk, og har gjort det hele livet.. Du kaster meg ut, og kutter meg ut, fordi du har en kjæreste du lyver om.. Trist å høre at du har levd et skjult liv i et halvt år, og så får jeg plutselig vite at du er forlovet.. Og jeg er den siste som får høre noe om dette.
Skulle ønske du viste meg verden som den egentlig er. Skulle ønske du lærte meg å være selvstendig, istedenfor å gjøre alt for meg. Skulle ønske du var strengere mot meg. Blablabla..
Skulle faktisk ønske du hørte litt på pappa - selvom han er som han er - i forhold til oppdragelse.
Det eneste jeg ønsker er å ha et personlig forhold til deg.. At du slutter å love ting du absolutt aldri holder. Du må nesten begynne å velge snart.. Hvis du plutselig vil behandle meg som voksen, så får du og kanskje begynne å ta meg seriøst. Er litt lei av at du er så uforutsigbar. Jeg vet bare at du var verdens snilleste mor.. Du var som en bestevenn for meg hele livet mitt.. Så plutselig hører jeg aldri fra deg mer.
Bleh.... Hvis du kommer i påsken får vi ta enda en alvorsprat. Hvis ikke det fungerer, er det nok på tidet at jeg blokkerer deg på FB og bytter nummer.. Kun for min egen del. Veldig viktig for meg å kutte alle bånd, for å så komme meg videre i livet. Sånn jeg gjorde med din familie (og pappa, en gang i tid) og det har funket godt for meg.. Trodde aldri du kom til å bli en av dem, men det ser kanskje ut som jeg ikke har så mye annet valg. Slitsomt å sitte å frustrere meg over deg hele tiden. Jeg liker ikke at det er en sånn mellom ting, mellom falsk og ekte.. Der klarer jeg ikke leve med. En av mine negative sider er jo tross alt "alt eller ingenting" holdningen min.
Hadde det bare vært noe positivt oppe i alt dette negative, så hadde ikke alt vært så "stress". Hører bare fra deg når det er noe negativt inni bildet, eller du mener jeg skylder deg penger.. Eller Kjell mener det. Eller du mener jeg skal plage NAV med noe. Eller du har latt Benedikte oppføre seg som en idiot, og så gikk ting litt for langt. Blir for mye teit nå.. Fint å ikke få vondt i magen hver gang jeg ser du ringer.. Fint om du ringte noen ganger bare for å høre hvordan ting går.
Jeg har sløst bort masse tid av mitt liv, og nå plutselig begynte jeg på skole.. Begynte å sosialisere meg litt (noe du alltid har mislikt at jeg ikke gjorde).. Masse skjer nå, og alikevel er det helt uinteressant hva som skjer med meg. GG, mamma <.<

Oh well.. Needed to get that off my chest.. I notice how awful my Norwegian is. I sound like a total noob. I'm sorry if any of this was uncalled for, mom. I need to unleash my feelings sometimes too.
You'll probably never know though. Tough luck.
9

Bah.

So it's Thursday today.. Had my first school day in a long time (since Friday before the winter vacation).
I was sick on Tuesday (binge pain again, good fucking game -.-) so I didn't have a chance to attend. The binge pain started calming down around noob, which was 2 hours before my school started, and I hadn't gotten a chance to sleep that night due to the pain, so I decided not to go.
Tbh, the pain didn't entirely pass until around 1-2 anyway.. Making it a top 10 worst binge pains (which says alot, considering how often I seem to be having them).
This past week has been a struggle for structure after this winter vacation.. I'd say I messed up alot this vacation. My dayrythm became something where I'd wake up at 6pm the earliest :P
Not to mention, I drank alcohol twice - while planning to stay entirely sober.
Not sure what damage I did socially, but I've been distancing myself just incase anyway.
But in the end things started looking up, and I played alot of SWTOR.. Not very far as of now. I have 2 lvl 16's, 2 lvl 11's and 2 lvl 10's. I haven't decided what to play yet.. Or ok, by now I have decided to play a sith marauder, but for a while I was experimenting.
But I have also banned myself from playing this game on school days, cause I truly have a weakness for games and addictions.
So far I haven't been able to stabilize anything solid again.. But last night I successfully slept at around 3 and didn't wake up until I had to.
The other nights I'd end up waking up 2 hours after bedtime and not be able to fall asleep again.. Until the sun would rise, atleast.

So there's a lot of improvement here.
Tonight I gotta go to bed early, as my schoolday starts at 08.50.. So no fun is allowed for today :P Cause fun always gives me an energy kick, and makes me disobedient.
So for tonight, I'll al do is study..
I've already eaten dinner, to make sure I don't get some binge pain tonight again.
My stomach has been really off.. Probably from the lack of structure and also pretty bad eating. I'd skip all meals besides dinner, which always increases the chance of pain. And I've been eating mostly pizza.
Haven't gained weight luckily, but nor have I lost any. Well obviously.

I just had a shower, and I'll pluck eyebrows in a sec.. then get with my reading plan :P
But for now I'm typing here, mostly cause I need my nails to dry.. I painted them. It helps me not bite on them.
They're not entirely dry, but I have very little to say here :<

I think I'm gonna change my number and not give it to my mom <.< not sure yet.. I just feel like I have to move on. All or nothing, br0.

WAT.

So I'm home again.
I'm extremely hungry, and having a second hangover day. Second hangover day today means my lungs are still a bit off, my blood circlulation as well, I'm feeling kinda tired and depressed, and regular foods and drinks don't appeal to me.
I should grab a shower to wash my past away <.<
I'll do that later, but as for now I'm just sitting and frowning in bed on my laptop.
I must admit I missed my PC loads.. My laptop doesn't pull off SWTOR very well. And I am loving that game.
Could be cause I'm new to realizing how much I love Sci-Fi.
I mean, I always thought I hated all Sci-Fi, and BSG was just an exception.. But the idea always appealed to me more and more. It seems so realistic and well done, to some degree.
I have never played many Sci-Fi-ish games. Halo being the only thing. I have a tendency to get obsessed with Sci-Fi topics though. Halo and BSG as my only examples.
Anyway, to me this game is like WoW with that little extra RP to your character, and a setting that appeals more to me than WoW. Fucking epic.
I expect an addiction incoming. I hope it doesn't affect school work too much.
I'll just have to put off weekends for this, and study my ass off on weekdays so I can chill all weekend through.
I think that's it for my World of Warcraft then. Subscription to be cancelled (of course, not permanently. I always come back.). Can't do 2 games now that I'm in school.
Anyway, I also feel like mentioning how much I love Nitro.. If he wasn't there yesterday, my hangover would be so much worse to deal with.
And yeah, strangely enough hangovers are really bad on my mentality. It's probably cause I struggle with panic attacks as a general thing, then your body naturally feel this sense of regret - many times without reason, and reasons tend to be exhaggerated.. So I am reminded of my general issues, and panic extra much.
Anyway, I hope today is a good day.
I'm supposed to go to a strip club with my ex. Not sure if it's gonna happen, haven't heard from him. Kinda hope it won't happen, I wouldn't mind a home day. Can go tomorrow or Sunday instead.
It's also really cold today, imo. Says it's 2 degrees atm.
Might just be my awful circulation though, making me freeze extra much.
I suppose I should fucking shower now.. Might wanna chill on other duties though, cause if I pressure myself too much today, I'll probably end up avoiding doing anything at all.. And that means stay in bed with laptop and whining! I miss my keyboard and PC too much for that to do me any good.

Ok............
Over and out.

P.S: Here is a spinach smiley. I found it very creepy to coincidentally appear on my plate. Especially since I was watching S1 of Dexter at that time, and the icetruck killer was spamming similar smileys as it was.

Oh shit, eh?

Super hangover.

So.. I went to visit my ex yesterday.. Not sure how it all happened, but before I knew I was WASTED on vodka..
I recall almost nothing, and this is officially the worst hangover I've ever had.
My head is pounding, it feels like I have to puke every second, I feel like half my brain isn't capable of thinking, the other half is only capable of feeling pain <.<
I pretty much still feel drunk.. I recall waking up 3 hours ago, thinking the same.. I went back to bed to avoid this.. I think I've been sleeping for quite some time now, and I feel fucked still..
Anyway, my only memories of yesterday are: Watched some Game of Thrones.... Died?? Drank lots of vodka.. Had sex.. That's right -.-
Exes + vodka are like poison to the brain... Always leads to something.
Ok, can't type anymore, too wasted to push these buttons.