Alot has happened.. First of all, I managed to connect with an old friend.. So we're more friends now than we were.. Making me a little less forever alone :P
We went Christmas shopping together, to a gig together and we might be heading over to Denmark before New Years, for cheaper alcohol and smokes.
After getting to know him a little better in sober condition, I realized he is a really nice guy. This surprises me.. I have a very cynical and cold view of the world, and it just makes me question how someone can be so kind without any bad intentions? He's been a friend of my family for years, and he's always been of much help. Without ever asking for anything in return? How is that possible? o.O
I feel like I'm slowly recovering.. I no longer (always, atleast) feel like someone is behind me with a gun, ready to shoot, as I walk down the streets. I manage to socialize slightly more in WoW. I even got promoted to officer within 2 weeks.. As my old friend said, it's probably a "pass the burden" kinda thing.. But still, I wanna make the most out of it :) Try to gear up some fellow players, and gain some self-esteem amongst norwegians. My old friend and I have seperated though.. He changed a lot, and turned rather cold and cynical. Not sure if it's only towards me, or not.. But I can't handle inbetweens, so I do cut things off then. I need more time, energy and effort in other places, and if I don't cut the "lines", then I'll waste energy in places that are stuck.
My mom was also here, and we finally had a chance to talk.. Talk about how I felt abandoned, talk about how I can't handle the inbetweens within this relationship as well.. We drew the conclusion that she's going to attempt moving closer to me again. I don't know if I can trust her, she's let me down alot lately.. But I sure as hell hope so, cause she reminded me of a warm and safe place that I had forgotten about.. A feeling of not being entirely alone and having roots and a home someplace.. A feeling of always being worthy somewhere, and being able to connect to my true self. I hope she returns to me, cause I miss her and my sister alot.. It's been a sore point, and I've been really depressed and angry about it for so long.
I had a really nice Christmas, we borrowed the appartment of this friend of mine who I reconnected with.. I have about 20 squaremetres of space, so for 4 people and a dog, that was not ideal.. Also my kitchen has some electrical issues, so I can only heat up one pan at the time or the whole electricitiy dies.. And with everyone on Christmas vacation in this building, that would mean no one to turn it on again :P
That was a tough one, btw.. The day before my mom was supposed to arrive, the electricity all of a sudden died on me.. I stayed 24 hours without any light, heat, food or entertainment and had plenty of people coming in and out of this appartment, trying to solve the problem.. 2 of those people were the sons of the guy who I thought was my houseowner.. Turned out one of the kids were the true owner of this place :P His brother was really attractive, btw. Looked like a blonde Dave.
I was in a lot of mental pain those 24 hours, but it gave me some time to think.
Nitro also got sick on Christmas eve, and thoughout the whole Sunday after.. I was extremely worried, as I had watched Marley & Me not too long ago, and Nitro was having a stomach problem as well. I cried and went all emo :P He was healthy again by the following date's night..
Christmas was cosy, btw.. Woke up to see CZ or w/e Cinderella, Reisen til Julestjernen, Disney.. Watched a bit of church show, as my mom and sis were late to pick me up for church.. They had been off cooking, decorating and fixing the tree at this guy's place. Was embarrasing to arrive late, we had to sit upstairs.. It freaked me a bit out, as the construction looked weak, and there were some areas who had red "gtfo" ribbons.. I had to struggle a bit against my panic attack there, but eventually it calmed down.. Couldn't see much.. Girl infront of me looked like Vanessa Hudgens, btw.. Really hot :P
After wards we went to this guy's appartment.. Me and my sis hung out there, while my mom finnished cooking.. Then we ate, while listening to "Sølvguttene" (my grandfather's fav Christmas music, he also sang with them when he was young).. Afterwards, I manned myself up to open presents (I'm always afraid of that.. Incase I hurt someone or get disappointed or whatever). Got lots of flashy stuff.. Saved some presents I was freaked about, 'til last.. When the package opening session was over, even.. After a while we ate dessert.. Well not me, I was full. We watched some "The Small One" and talked.. My sister fell asleep.. Eventually we just headed home to me. Then Nitro got sick :(
The following day (Sunday), I also attended a gig in Arendal again. Brought my friend whom I recently reconnected with, and my mother drove us.. We hung a lot in the car, as I had brought beers to save some ka-ching :P It was nice, but he got very drunk. Guards told me to watch out for him. I also passed out due to boredom for a while. Mostly locked myself in the bathroom to get away from too drunk friend <.< He was a little too clenchy, and I wasn't sober enough to be a mom :P He went out to my mom and complained about me being gone too long, so ofc my mom worried and went inside.. She found me in the bathroom, that was GG. I saw my "object of obsession". He was being rejective and uninterested as always. Wish I knew what to work on.. Is it my appearance of personality? I know I act foolish when I'm nervous and drunk, but I don't know if it's enough to put him off. I doubt he's a bad person, but who knows.. I feel as if it's my appearance. I'm currently overweight, and it's killing me.. I have some digestion problems, slowling down my weight loss, as well as my metabolism overall is really low.. But not extremely low.. I can pass off eating 2000 calories a day without gaining weight, long term.. But eating 1200 for a few weeks often doesn't do anything. I find that strange.. But I'm still trying, and I hope one day to be attractive again. I'm attractive if it wasn't for the weight problem. I have a nice face and generally nice body when I'm within a healthy weight.. I used to be able to get any guy I wanted. I was also very confident, I lack that now.
I hope to get this under my control.. I don't have a good enough "ugly girl" personality. I'm cynical, dramatic, emotional, lack empathy, seek attention, I'm judgemental and I haven't done a lot of good. So I'm nothing impressive without my looks. I wish there was a book on how to change your personality.. I mean, I know I'm a lunatic, I've been a mental health issue my whole life. This all turned my heart to ice, so to speak, and I don't know how to change myself.. I am not even sure I want to? I like being me. But it sure puts people off.. Atleast when I'm fat.. Shows how shallow the world really is :P I can be a total jerk as long as I look good, but when I try to pretend I'm nice - but I'm fat - I get zero response. And I was a bigger jerk when I was good looking.. So it's quite the difference.. Probably cause I was younger, and really angry at the world - though.
Besides all this I am heading off to school.. I think Thursday, the 5th of January, but I'm not entirely sure. Don't have my schoolbooks yet, as I can't afford them - and need to apply for ecnomical assistance for it.
I'm conflicted between going law or psychology for the future.. But either way, I gotta complete this first anyway.
Although I find psychology way more interesting, I think I see more of a work future within law. It's more my type of work.. While psychology's highlight would be the studies, not the work afterwards.
Here's a list of gifts I got for Christmas, btw.
-WoW Cataclysm mouse (roommate)
-Playboy zippo-looking (fake) lighter (roommate)
-Lunchbox with disney princess :P (roommate)
-WoW Gamecard (recon friend)
-A pink wand <.< (recon friend)
-A perfume+bodylotion set + lots of ear rings + 2 sunglasses from ME :D
-2 ear rings from my aunt, whom I didn't know I had anything to do with anymore o.O Surprisingly nice present.
-Some housewife stuff from my mom. She said herself it wasn't a real present :P Just something she wanted me to have.
-Underpants, bra, slippers and hair decoration from my mom.
-A dog lamp.. USB + battery <.< (aunt + kids)
-A jacket + my fav perfume from roommate's family.
-Nailpolish and eyeshadow from my mom.
That's all I can remember, atleast.. <.<
Anyway..
I guess I'm done for now..
I wish he'd give me a chance.
(Here's a pic of the lovely Christmas tree my mother and sister fixed for me :P)
-.-
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