Goodbye Christmas, Hello New Year.

Some time has passed.
Alot has happened.. First of all, I managed to connect with an old friend.. So we're more friends now than we were.. Making me a little less forever alone :P
We went Christmas shopping together, to a gig together and we might be heading over to Denmark before New Years, for cheaper alcohol and smokes.
After getting to know him a little better in sober condition, I realized he is a really nice guy. This surprises me.. I have a very cynical and cold view of the world, and it just makes me question how someone can be so kind without any bad intentions? He's been a friend of my family for years, and he's always been of much help. Without ever asking for anything in return? How is that possible? o.O
I feel like I'm slowly recovering.. I no longer (always, atleast) feel like someone is behind me with a gun, ready to shoot, as I walk down the streets. I manage to socialize slightly more in WoW. I even got promoted to officer within 2 weeks.. As my old friend said, it's probably a "pass the burden" kinda thing.. But still, I wanna make the most out of it :) Try to gear up some fellow players, and gain some self-esteem amongst norwegians. My old friend and I have seperated though.. He changed a lot, and turned rather cold and cynical. Not sure if it's only towards me, or not.. But I can't handle inbetweens, so I do cut things off then. I need more time, energy and effort in other places, and if I don't cut the "lines", then I'll waste energy in places that are stuck.
My mom was also here, and we finally had a chance to talk.. Talk about how I felt abandoned, talk about how I can't handle the inbetweens within this relationship as well.. We drew the conclusion that she's going to attempt moving closer to me again. I don't know if I can trust her, she's let me down alot lately.. But I sure as hell hope so, cause she reminded me of a warm and safe place that I had forgotten about.. A feeling of not being entirely alone and having roots and a home someplace.. A feeling of always being worthy somewhere, and being able to connect to my true self. I hope she returns to me, cause I miss her and my sister alot.. It's been a sore point, and I've been really depressed and angry about it for so long.
I had a really nice Christmas, we borrowed the appartment of this friend of mine who I reconnected with.. I have about 20 squaremetres of space, so for 4 people and a dog, that was not ideal.. Also my kitchen has some electrical issues, so I can only heat up one pan at the time or the whole electricitiy dies.. And with everyone on Christmas vacation in this building, that would mean no one to turn it on again :P
That was a tough one, btw.. The day before my mom was supposed to arrive, the electricity all of a sudden died on me.. I stayed 24 hours without any light, heat, food or entertainment and had plenty of people coming in and out of this appartment, trying to solve the problem.. 2 of those people were the sons of the guy who I thought was my houseowner.. Turned out one of the kids were the true owner of this place :P His brother was really attractive, btw. Looked like a blonde Dave.
I was in a lot of mental pain those 24 hours, but it gave me some time to think.
Nitro also got sick on Christmas eve, and thoughout the whole Sunday after.. I was extremely worried, as I had watched Marley & Me not too long ago, and Nitro was having a stomach problem as well. I cried and went all emo :P He was healthy again by the following date's night..
Christmas was cosy, btw.. Woke up to see CZ or w/e Cinderella, Reisen til Julestjernen, Disney.. Watched a bit of church show, as my mom and sis were late to pick me up for church.. They had been off cooking, decorating and fixing the tree at this guy's place. Was embarrasing to arrive late, we had to sit upstairs.. It freaked me a bit out, as the construction looked weak, and there were some areas who had red "gtfo" ribbons.. I had to struggle a bit against my panic attack there, but eventually it calmed down.. Couldn't see much.. Girl infront of me looked like Vanessa Hudgens, btw.. Really hot :P
After wards we went to this guy's appartment.. Me and my sis hung out there, while my mom finnished cooking.. Then we ate, while listening to "Sølvguttene" (my grandfather's fav Christmas music, he also sang with them when he was young).. Afterwards, I manned myself up to open presents (I'm always afraid of that.. Incase I hurt someone or get disappointed or whatever). Got lots of flashy stuff.. Saved some presents I was freaked about, 'til last.. When the package opening session was over, even.. After a while we ate dessert.. Well not me, I was full. We watched some "The Small One" and talked.. My sister fell asleep.. Eventually we just headed home to me. Then Nitro got sick :(
The following day (Sunday), I also attended a gig in Arendal again. Brought my friend whom I recently reconnected with, and my mother drove us.. We hung a lot in the car, as I had brought beers to save some ka-ching :P It was nice, but he got very drunk. Guards told me to watch out for him. I also passed out due to boredom for a while. Mostly locked myself in the bathroom to get away from too drunk friend <.< He was a little too clenchy, and I wasn't sober enough to be a mom :P He went out to my mom and complained about me being gone too long, so ofc my mom worried and went inside.. She found me in the bathroom, that was GG. I saw my "object of obsession". He was being rejective and uninterested as always. Wish I knew what to work on.. Is it my appearance of personality? I know I act foolish when I'm nervous and drunk, but I don't know if it's enough to put him off. I doubt he's a bad person, but who knows.. I feel as if it's my appearance. I'm currently overweight, and it's killing me.. I have some digestion problems, slowling down my weight loss, as well as my metabolism overall is really low.. But not extremely low.. I can pass off eating 2000 calories a day without gaining weight, long term.. But eating 1200 for a few weeks often doesn't do anything. I find that strange.. But I'm still trying, and I hope one day to be attractive again. I'm attractive if it wasn't for the weight problem. I have a nice face and generally nice body when I'm within a healthy weight.. I used to be able to get any guy I wanted. I was also very confident, I lack that now.
I hope to get this under my control.. I don't have a good enough "ugly girl" personality. I'm cynical, dramatic, emotional, lack empathy, seek attention, I'm judgemental and I haven't done a lot of good. So I'm nothing impressive without my looks. I wish there was a book on how to change your personality.. I mean, I know I'm a lunatic, I've been a mental health issue my whole life. This all turned my heart to ice, so to speak, and I don't know how to change myself.. I am not even sure I want to? I like being me. But it sure puts people off.. Atleast when I'm fat.. Shows how shallow the world really is :P I can be a total jerk as long as I look good, but when I try to pretend I'm nice - but I'm fat - I get zero response. And I was a bigger jerk when I was good looking.. So it's quite the difference.. Probably cause I was younger, and really angry at the world - though.
Besides all this I am heading off to school.. I think Thursday, the 5th of January, but I'm not entirely sure. Don't have my schoolbooks yet, as I can't afford them - and need to apply for ecnomical assistance for it.
I'm conflicted between going law or psychology for the future.. But either way, I gotta complete this first anyway.
Although I find psychology way more interesting, I think I see more of a work future within law. It's more my type of work.. While psychology's highlight would be the studies, not the work afterwards.

Here's a list of gifts I got for Christmas, btw.
-WoW Cataclysm mouse (roommate)
-Playboy zippo-looking (fake) lighter (roommate)
-Lunchbox with disney princess :P (roommate)
-WoW Gamecard (recon friend)
-A pink wand <.< (recon friend)
-A perfume+bodylotion set + lots of ear rings + 2 sunglasses from ME :D
-2 ear rings from my aunt, whom I didn't know I had anything to do with anymore o.O Surprisingly nice present.
-Some housewife stuff from my mom. She said herself it wasn't a real present :P Just something she wanted me to have.
-Underpants, bra, slippers and hair decoration from my mom.
-A dog lamp.. USB + battery <.< (aunt + kids)
-A jacket + my fav perfume from roommate's family.
-Nailpolish and eyeshadow from my  mom.
That's all I can remember, atleast.. <.<
Anyway..
I guess I'm done for now..
I wish he'd give me a chance.
(Here's a pic of the lovely Christmas tree my mother and sister fixed for me :P)
-.-

Hangover.

So today I've got a hangover.. I went to a gig in Arendal last night. That is about an hour from where I live.. I brought my dog and got Matt to drive me, as always.
It was a nice ride there, loud music and Nitro was cute :P As he always is, especially in the car.
Didn't have a chance to get too drunk, due to wasting a bit time.. Realized I forgot the ticket at home, on our way there, so we had to turn and get it.
Went in, saw the gig I was there for.. Had 2 beers. Some people recognized me from some afterparty I had been to a couple of months back. I honestly can't recall ever having seen their faces before, but ok.. One guy claimed we had made out, now I'd definately remember that -.- I hope, atleast.. But if it happened, I'm sure I'm much better of forgetting :P
Went with this guy and some others to another location.. Stayed there, mostly in the bathroom, but also watched another band play. Then - as it closed off - I went home.
Apparently I gave this dude my phone number, gg.. I was pretty clear to state I'm not interested, but he claimed to be "j/k" after I said that, so I don't know. Haven't heard from him since atleast.
Also bugged my guild members drunkenly :P Now they all know me, before none of them did.
<.<
Also ate a decent pizza that I left out to become super cold this morning o.O It must have stayed for 2 hours or so before I ate it. Not awesome, but when you're drunk you don't really give a fuck, right?

Woke up today around 2.. I had this awesome dream.. My body was in water.. A swimming pool or ocean of some kind. It felt refreshing. I woke up, and felt bad about not being able to be in water anymore.. I do love water, but I think my dream was just trying to tell me how warm and thirsty I feel :) because I did.. So I drank a couple of ice cold canned cokes, and moved on.. Couldn't handle breakfast. Ate half my dinner today.. Totally got no apetite.
I feel a bit crappy, it's a hangover thing - but only if I socialize really. I guess I feel ashamed and worried I said something bad. I don't think I did, as I had more control over myself than I do normally. I hadn't had that much to drink, so.
Saw my reason for going there.. But only barely. The reason looked good off, I guess.. The reason being a person I'm secretly more fond of than I like to admit. Don't think I stand a chance anyway, so I'll leave it at that right now.
Now my one and only female friend is mad at me.. She's only online, but I let her down apparently.. I was supposed to PVP with her in WoW, but I do not recall this promise, due to drinking myself wasted on my way home, yesterday. And now she's going on about how I can't be counted on. I didn't mean to letk her down, I'm sorry? I wouldn't have, if I had remembered :|
So long, blog - anyway.. Gotta resolve this ^^

Cinema.

Went there.. The movie was pretty okay. I'm not a very visual person, so I was glad to see a movie with more dialog than the visual. However, it did include too much sex fixation for me. I'm very bored of sexuality by now. It's everywhere, and it's shameful if you ask me.. Sex is supposed to be a private and intimate experience. Much like taking a shit.. Now, I don't really want to see people pooping all over the place. Nor do I want to see people exchange body fluids and act animalistic and digusting.
Either way, Keira Knightly was a little bit lol in the role. There's just something about her, can't take her serious in any of her roles. And she's everything I dislike in a woman. Viggo Mortensen surprised me. I disliked him every since Lord of the Rings (can anyone say overrated?). He did a really good job as Freud, I'd even say he made the movie twice as pleasant to watch.
I had a good time, no one drugged me or tried to murder me :P I sat infront, and these seats were comfort seats. Not many people were there either.. Ate a bit popcorn and baconcrisps and this strawberry "snøre" that I love :P It did end with my car getting a ticket though. <.< 500 NOK inc. Tough luck :D

So..

Going to the cinema today.. Seeing "A Dangerous Method". I guess I'm half excited, but I do have some problems that makes me fear going in public or be in rooms with lots of other people. I'm afraid of a terrorist suicide bombing the place, a fire, a meteor hitting the place o.O Getting sick, being drugged etc.. So.. I'm a little nervous too, but I guess it's good for me to do such things. Face my fears, and see the results. Although my brain has evolved a counter mechanic for this way of thinking.. Any time can be the first, right? Maybe you won't crash and die in a car accident today, but then all of a sudden (at some later point) you're dead... So yeah.. It gives me good experiences and joy - when things don't go wrong, but it doesn't teach me to feel safe.

<.<

Now, I'm making dinner. A vegetarian pizza. Over and out.

Oh well.

Alot of WoW has been going on lately. The patch 4.3 cast a fresh light on a game I've been inactive in since August. So I've rerolled to hunter now.. It's fresh, It's one of my least evolved characters so it gives me the opportunity of a fresh start.. No history holding back her potential. It's going allright, but I really hate achivement farming. I was hella proud of my 8800 on my warrior.. And yeah, it's not alot, but to me it was a lifetime of work. But it bugs me to have a main with too few achivement points too :P
I've also joined a new guild.. Norwegian 25 guild. But there's a fellow hunter there, and he seems to have quite the socializing skills. So he's surpassing me with officer suckup.. We've got similar professions. He's superior geared. They chose him over me, so they have yet to see me in action. Mostly cause their own raids have been failing. I guess I'll be patient. I don't like him as of now. I hate it when social skills dominate.. I play really well, I'm sure he does too.. We should be competing in the sense of skills, not who makes the officers feel special.

Anyway.. Been a smaller storm here again.. Been going on for a while, then it calmed down for about a week, and back it is. I love this kinda weather, and I am eternally grateful that the snow isn't entirely dominating my lovely city. I'll take a storm like this, any day, over snow.. As long as there's a tiny bit of white on the 24th.. I'll live happily ever after without the snow any other day.. The wind blowing outside has a really nice feel to it, by the way. Makes the world seem silent and powerless. It makes me feel more comfortable in general. I wish it could be like this forever :D

I watched Dantes Peak today. Nice movie. I really love disaster movies, even though they're all somewhat the same. They have those really nice scenes of destruction and mother nature showing off her strength. Add some sound effects, and I'm there :) I also like imagining myself in such scenarios.. How I'd react, what role I'd take upon myself. I like to think these movies are somewhat realistic and a good base to my own imagination of such situations. I sure wish my life had more meaning.. Going from day to day, repeating the same meaningless actions.. Not so appealing? I wish I could live in a movie. Be a hero, have a purpose, a mission, a quest.. Well, I guess I do.. It's my mission to treat Nitro the best he can be treated, and it's also my mission to have as much fun as possible :P I guess I've got no other choice but to accept that.. And fun, I shall have..

Adding a picture from our local newspaper. Found it really attractive. Don't remember exactly where I found it, but I'm guessing in some article about our current windy weather.

o.O

So..
Patch 4.3 went live today.. Or yesterday, if you're one of those detail freaks.. But I haven't slept yet, so for me it's today.
I haven't been playing much WoW since August, and I even cancelled my subscription at some point.. But I guess I'm back in business for now. 7 years wasted, only to find another hobby? I don't think so. If I make it through 7 years with anything at all, then I'm definately not calling it quits until all hope is gone.
Looks good though. I haven't logged into my warrior yet, though.. I'm kinda avoidant again. I'm in this guild, and I enjoyed it alot there. Then these couple of guys joined this guild, and I absolutely couldn't stand raiding with them. So I made up an excuse, and never logged back online. Now I'm waiting for them to gkick me before I log my main :P So.. Today it's been random alting, really. Mostly my hunter, who has been in the worst condition gear wise.. Making me interested in her, right now, as she feels fresh and new.

Nitro was nice today. He's currently asleep in the cage. I tricked him into thinking his tail was a toy.. So he started biting on himself, and I felt like I was forcing him to be a cannibal :P He was funny though.. I made sure to say "No" when he tried to attack his own tail.. But the rebel in him kicked in, so the moment I said that, he went nuts on his tail.. I hope he learned a lesson.

Wtf.

So, my life finally makes a little more sense. I'm still in the same mess, but atleast I can see my path clearer now. I'm meant for greater things than this. Being trapped in my own mess for all eternity, is not a plan.. It's not my plan, atleast. But I can't seem to shake my past.. You pop a little alcohol in me, and all my pain returns to me.. I guess I've never faced my own bitterness in a sober condition. In fact, I tend to be rather avoidiant.
But I really wish there was a way to reach the final stage of grief: Acceptance.
I wish I didn't have to terrorize every stranger that'll let me speak.. But that seems to be the case for now. If someone is willing to finally hear my 2 cents, it all comes back. And it'll all be shoved in their face.
I guess the intention behind it isn't all too bad.. I strongly believe in being upfront and direct. I don't play games very well, and when I meet someone I'd like to put all cards on the table. But honestly, it doesn't work.. You put the right cards on the table, and you're cool. You put them all on the table, and you're a dramatic loser. And that's unfortunately who I am.
So for now, I'm all alone. I have some issues adapting to the world.
I've blown most my unlikely and inredicble opportunities like this. Not my most prideful moments, I'd say. But they're there, nevertheless.

Ironic thing is.. I feel really awkward about putting any of me on the internet. I'm weirded out by this blog.
Somewhat hypocritical.. Or maybe it's more shameful when I can see myself black on white.
Either way, I'm not too fond of using an online blog. Normally I'd be writing this in a Word Document, or something.. Keeping it all to myself. Now, I'm probably not gonna have anyone reading this, but the chance of someone doing so, freaks me a tiny bit out.
But what's life without a little risk anyway :P

Now I shall make a statement.. This is meant for a number of people, none who know me very well:
I want you to want to know me. I want you to ask what's on my mind.. I want to know what's going through your mind. I want to know where you came from, who you are, and who you wish to be. If I offend your jacket, I'm trying to make you see me.. Any attention is better than none right?


Random fact.. If you go over to someone, and say "Let's be friends", he will automatically assume you want to get into his pants. Or a she will automatically feel weirded out. But I don't really know any other way. Or any better way. I don't start attending a job I'm not hired for, in order to show what I'm made out of.. I apply for it, and if they're willing to hear me out, I'll give it a shot. So no, I won't impress you and hope for your friendship. I'll just ask, and hope you say yes.