I'm nervous about this exam period that I'm entering.
And lately I've made alot of poor ecnomical choices. Not sure if it's related, but that's where this is all coming from..
Easter Vacation, I headed over to Sweden (Monday morning, so the final day).
It was an exciting, yet scary, trip for me.
It was entirely impulsive, and a response to alot of fullbooked Denmark trips.. And I cannot afford drinking alcohol or smoking without buying it taxfree..
So me and my roomie drove to Sandefjord, and headed over.
I was dead scared of dying, the entire trap. Car accident, someone going nuts with a gun, boat going under.. You name it.
We also brought Nitro. I had all documents and bought (bendelormkur) for him the following day.
The boat was in no shape compared to Superspeed, so the slightest wave would make the whole place shake.. And it made me really nauseous.
On the trip, I actually managed to fall asleep though. As I hadn't slept the previous night, nor much the night before that, it wasn't that hard.. But I couldn't sleep in the car (due to constant fear of crashing :p of breaks dying lolz).
On the way there, I bought double on alcohol and smokes.. I got his dose, so it was all good.
But then I decided to make the poor decision of buying 3 perfumes..
1K.
-.-
I guess I felt I needed to reward myself, for doing something so huge.
But 3 was a bit overkill.
Can't say I regret though, but then again I have no idea how money is gonna look.
The trip ended quite okay. We did get stopped by the (toll), but since I had papers on Nitro - and bought stuff within limit - it all ended ok.
The trip back, I slept mostly.. Also ate a burger there.
On the drive back, I was mostly quiet. I went a bit extra panicy at the half hour or so.. Close to Grimstad, I suppose.
After I returned, I sprayed myself with my new perfumes, then fell asleep.
And since then I've slept LOADS. Way too much, tbh.
Can sleep 10 hours in the night, wake up.. Shower, do some chores, school.. Then sleep for another 6.. Then stay up for a few more hours, then sleep again.
That's pretty much how my days have been looking lately.
I have no idea what's up with it.
Am I depressed? No clue. Haven't felt much since the last time I was drunk.
But I do get tired.. Or drowsy.. And then I'm capable of passing out for way too long. I do wake up inbetween, though.. And then I lay around daydreaming..
Daydreaming about parties, being skinny, love, shopping. Anything, really.
Anyway.. Saturday (14.04.2012, my fake birthday) was a good day.
I woke up around 16.00.. Had slept since 2am, and also napped the whole Friday after school <.<
I forced myself to shower.
Then, I got ready, and headed to the cinema.
I went to see Battleship.
I had frontrow seats (I also chose those.. Incase of fire, etc, it's easier to make it out. And incase of some nutcase shotting or a suicide bomber, or something <.< Not to mention no one sits there, so I'll have a smaller chance of catching some disease)..
The movie was awesome. Extremely underrated.
It had alot of elements I seek in a movie: Aliens, lots of water, Hawaii (ffsftwyay).. And even a fucking shark! My jaw dropped when I saw the shark.
Also, the mainguy was pretty hot.. Both with his long hair, and after he ditched it.
Can't complain, lots of nice special effects.
I also took note of a movie called Iron Sky.. Haven't seen it yet, but hope to do so.. Second best thing: Nazis & Space.
After this, I went home to have a Long Island Ice Tea & San Fransisco + Sex & The City night. I put out some of the snacks I had left from the cinema, and enjoyed myself.
Eventually I got drunk, and fell asleep.
Sunday was nothing special.
Watched some How I met your mother episodes, cooked up a lasagne, shared with roomie..
Then played some swtor (not much.. Point of playing once a week?).
And then I finnished off with a movie from bed.
Passed out, slept too little-ish.. (6-7 hours <.<).. Woke up.. Sat around. Took a hormonal bomb of a pill. (Some point in this story I ended up having unprotected sex, which I do not wish to comment on, incase my roomie or IRL friend sees this).
Then I went to sleep again.. Slept for long.
Was going to bed again now, but couldn't.
So I went online.. And spent 1000 NOK on perfumes........
And this is how I consider myself to have lost my mind.
I suppose it's a rebel act, cause I know within 2 days, my whole life will be twisted around. I'll be in some serious debt, so I'll be lying to myself before it happens.
I don't really know, I should be better than this.
But I'm not.. Lately everything has been so confusing.
I've made lots of really poor calls, and I keep felling numb and empty.. Nothing motivates me, there's no passion.
Maybe my theory was correct.. This crush I have, kept me going and motivated. And with that, I got some good results (weight loss, quit smoking for a while, started working out, started school).. And that made me feel good. Then I looked forward to test out if my progress had made me able to not act like a douche around him.
Of course, the working out and quitting smoking thing failed in the end.. He wasn't a good enough motivation there, especially since he wasn't aware of my decision. Nor do I think it'd bug him <.<
And working out was just an economical thing.
But one of the payments says it has an error, however It's off my account, and paypal sent me a receipt.. So I had to send an email to the seller. Probably has something to do with the fact I never updated my credit card details (my old one just ran out this month).. But it still worked, so I hope there won't be too much drama.. I really want this one, haven't smelled it since I was 17.. 17 - my happiest year.
I wish I could go back in time and erase a few mistakes.
I wish I could dump some of my weight..
I'm so fucking fat. I'm really ugly, and useless. I don't have that ugly girl personality, I would even state that people have issues liking me when I'm pretty.. But the shallow ones sometimes do. Or the horny ones.
Or autistic ones..
Anyway.. I don't know what stops me all the time.
I'm not that fond of food. But the idea of working out on a regular basis seems too draining. I already have problems attending my regular schedule of school. I just wish some aspects were unpredictable.
Now, if I could be a member of the gym, that'd be a little easier. Cause I really enjoy strength exercise with proper machines.
And food wise, I always find a way to screw it up.. With beer, though.. Or regular coke.
Or I'm just having a baaaaaaaad day, and eat a bigger meal.
I'm retarded, cause I eat really healthy. I just feel the need to shove A TON of healthy food down my throat, making it exceed the calorie limit for weight loss. Then I have 3-4 good days, then I work it in again with a depressive day and a beer day. And maybe another depressive day, or maybe even 10.
Funny thing is.. I think I'm depressed cause of how I look mostly.
I mean, yeah bad things happen.. And yeah, it sucks.. But it wouldn't be enough to bring me down.
But being really into looks, this one thing turns me into a lesser human.
And even if I succeed in one task, the whole progress resets with sleep.. And I have to go through the same stuff all over, in order to man myself up to do it again.
Or I get too panicy to do it.
There's always something.
What can I do?
Losing weight was an easy task, only cause I enjoyed being self destructive.. I enjoyed starving myself. I enjoyed feeling hungry, dizzy and weak. Cause it made me feel strong and disciplined.
How do I lose weight without this?
Healthy and balanced lifestyles don't even appeal to me the slightest bit.. But being unheallthy makes me panicy. Why is everything so damn complicated with me.
I wish I could find my way.
I kinda wish I had my family around me to assist me with this.
Shouldn't be necessary, but they're technically the only people who know me. And who'll care for me, more or less no matter what.
With weight loss I'll test out something else. I'll eat neither unhealthy, nor healthy.. But within calorie limit.
I'll find a way to fail, that's what I do best.. But atleast I have something to keep me going for now.
Here's a pic from the Battleship movie.
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