No idea what to say to you

We used to talk at all times, about everything.. I remember I was 12, you were my world. I knew we'd always be together. I spent my whole life worrying about your well-being. You always got caught up in some dangerous situations.. You weren't ready for me, but you had me anyway. And that's fine.. You made a lot of bad calls, you were impulsive and you used me as support.
I made my own decisions for as long as I can remember. I felt I could control you. There was never any discipline, just love. And that was fine. You needed me to be a supportive friend, you had no leftovers to spare for me needing you. So I grew up earlier than I should have.. The situations you put into my life wrecked my safety bubble.. I knew early on that I wasn't immortal. I knew I could die, I knew you could die.. I knew about murder, rape, violence, blood. And that was fine, too.
It wasn't all your fault. You were weak and made a poor call having me.

But then you had her as well.. I tried to tell you not to, although who listens to a 7 year old for relationship and family advice?
I told you not to move in with him, but why listen to a 7 year old? I don't hold that against you. I was perhaps brighter than the average 7 year old, but how could you know.

After wards I was filled with hatred.. She was part of him, the guy who taught me how unsafe the world is after the world tried to teach me the world is safe, I was just unlucky, after the first one.
She would connect us to pain and fear forever, and you kept her, while I told you not to..
You could barely give me anything close to stability, how would you manage with 2 of us?
But it's okay, I don't blame you.

You've always been so kind and loving.. You've always helped people in need, put yourself entirely aside. You always bring out the best in people. You're like a saint.
So how can I hate you?
I can't.. But I am so angry with you.

I was 16, I fled my country.. I decided I didn't want to go to high school. Why did you let me?
Had a nervous breakdown, why didn't you try to push me out of it? Why let me stay in bed all day long and eat myself huge? You need to think more ahead.
And then I moved in with him.. And when I came back, it was as if I had never existed.
Ever since then all we had was broken.. You never spoke to me like before, we were like strangers.

You keep up a mask on social medias like Facebook, act like we're so close and that you love me more than anything. But behind closed doors, I hear from you so rarely. You know nothing that's been going on in my life in the past 4 years. You never ask, and you never initiate any interest in me.. With my social problems, that's enough for me to back off on this department.. And everytime I do break out, while I'm drunk, I feel so ashamed of myself the next day.
Every promise that you make has been broken.. And there are more to come. And the few times you do speak to me, you act like everything is the same.
It isn't.. You pushed me away, took her with you and left.. To be with another one of those dickheads you chose. Maybe he's not violent, but he's not been good for you either.
You tell me we'll see each other often, it's a couple of times a year. We never talk on the phone, you never ask how I'm doing in school, you never ask if there's someone special in my life, you never ask what my future will bring?
Even my father, the guy who's tore me to shreds, pulls this off better.
I respect that he atleast has some interest in me and my life. It's nice to have someone ask what you're up to once in a while.. But it seems you take out everything on her.. My kitchen breaks, after I have to pay a major bill on the car you just sold me.. She gets a new and expensive TV. I know I was never like you, and she is.. But you brought me here, how can you have no interest in knowing what I've become?

I miss the old days..  When I didn't feel like screaming my lungs out everytime you say hello.. Cause hello always leads to something uncomfortable.

I wish you'd stay away this Christmas, so I could sulk in my own misery, rather than being reminded of who you are and what I can never have again.

Hate

It's consuming me.
Times move on, but things don't get better. The same problems remain, but instead of being resolved, they're left to rot inside of me.. The sources of my problems, atleast the living ones, are making it a point to dodge all my efforts of confrontation.
Now maybe I ought to shake these sources out of my life, and leave it unresolved. But it's not an easy decision to rid yourself of your own blood.
There's guilt, there's doubt, the child in you comes forwards..
I don't know what to do.

All I know is that I'm consumed with hatred.. I have become bitter. I feel so much rage and anguish that my hands start shaking, and my brain enter a mind-numbing mode of dealing.
I'm nauseous all the time, I see disturbing images.. I want to cry, I want to shout, I want to stab, I want to punch, I want to rip to shreds.. But in the end, I lock this all up inside of me.. And I end up going nowhere.

I used to harm myself whenever I'd be filled with this kinda rage, but then one day I realized I am not the one who deserves to be harmed. I'm innocent and I'm betrayed. So instead I hold it in, because I never want to lay my hands on another.. And it's breaking me.

-You let me down.
-You disappoint me.
-You act impulsively and don't involve me in decisions that directly impact me.
-You turn your back on me when I'm in need, yet complain that I'm not sympathizing enough. Your worst sorrow in life has been your problems adapting to responsibilities and adulthood. I cannot sympathize, there's too much pain out there and yours seem so minor.
-You make promises after promises, and never keep a single one of them.. Your guilt makes you promise things you don't want to keep, and then you let me down even more.
Those were meant for people I have personal bonds with.

Now comes the ones for the less personal ones:
-You're ignorant. In a conflict, there's always a wrongdoer and a victim. You only see the side you sympathize with, and you take it as the truth.
-You roll in your arrogance, spread it around.
-You lack depth, and grieve over spilled milk, poor little rich kid.
-You're blue-eyed, but still think you know it all..

I need to get away.. I cannot stay here any longer. Your faces appear distorted, because my hatred draws forward your true face. The inner face will always arise.
How long must I isolate myself? To protect you from my wrath..... To protect myself from the pain that's inflicted.

I've never had anyone. I've been tossed around like a useless object, and abandoned by everyone who made a promise. I am unable to function on a normal level, any longer. I used to take pride upon my uniqueness, now it's become a reality I can't get away from.

I'm not sad, any longer, really... I am just wrathful, and I want retribution.
I wanna tie up all lose ends, jump on a ship and float away into a fresh beginning.

But I have no more strength. My potential is wasted, I cannot reach to the locked away wall in my mind.. And without it, I cannot overcome. So I reach no further than mediocre, because I don't have the resources you have. I never did. I try to balance a thousand balls, while you have 3, and the assistance of your whole army.
Why does the world expect me to climb the same tree with different resources? Why am I being labelled based on my skills to fly as an elephant, while you (the genius) are a bird.

Go away and leave my sight, and take with you this endless night.

W00t W00t.
It's 1.03pm on this ice cold Thursday.
I've just returned from my school. I had some Science with Physics aim today and some English. All went well. Overall, really interested in the topic we've got in Science nowadays, and English is usually a walk in the park.. Maybe not so much when I'm asked to translate, though. Something just happens in my brain when someone requests me to translate. The thing is: I don't usually learn a language by converting from a base language. I try to visualize the meaning of the words instead. It's a technique that I found rather helpful, seeing as you kinda turn the language into your own then. But yeah, that makes me weak at translating. Especially since my mother tongue is a little rusty nowadays. I rarely use it.. In fact, since I was 15-16 years of age, I've been using the language once or twice a week for 10 minutes or less. Yes, I do hear it a lot more nowadays, seeing as I'm in school. And that does improve my skills (somewhat).. But using it, myself, is a different story. I feel as unstable in Norwegian as I am with Dutch (which I also haven't been using a lot lately).
So yeah.... Need to work on that. Since one of my subjects is Norwegian, I'll probably get several of opportunities to do so.
Anyhow, something strange happened today.. Yes, I'm probably making a big deal of it and all, but I always do when it's related to the social :P
A girl in my class requested for me to sit with her today in class. I accepted, and hung out with her a bit.. Then she gives me this note with a present in it. It said something like "To my friend in English class. Have a nice day". A mascara. Tbh, comes in handy since I'm out of fresh mascaras. Felt really awkward, though. I didn't know how to react, as I haven't talked to her a lot. At the same time I don't know what all these social protocols are. I was really happy, but showing that would maybe seem a little exaggerated.. But then again, not showing it might be rude. I couldn't find a good balance there, so I sat and pondered that for the hours to follow.
A few minutes ago, I concluded that I'd send her a thank you through facebook.. With a request for her to assist me in Math. I didn't mean that in a rude way, but she offered - and I felt the thank you came out a bit cheesy if it was all by itself. Tbh, I'd rather not get any help in Math. I hate bothering people with my issues, at the same time I like to be alone - or I don't dare to be with others.. Not sure of which one it is, really.
Anyhow I'm not sure if that's a signal that she wants to be my friend? And if it is, how do I respond in a casual and normal way? My socializing nature has been severely damaged (if it was ever there), so I don't know how to do these kinda things.. Should I say hello, or am I too needy then? Can I ask to sit with her in class, or will that be too inconvenient? I'm really uncertain about everything social.
I'm not even sure what I want..
One thing's for sure.. I'm socially deprived, and therefore I tend to make a bigger deal out of things. And yes, I end up obsessing - and therefore I chose not to bother; since it drains me of time and energy. Somehow an evil circle.. I just wish I could turn things around.
Confusing, confusing..
Wish there was a good book to read about social protocols.

Bitterness and anguish. Nothing can ever move forward, without taking a major leap backwards. No matter how I try to look at things, it's always the same. The same bad things keep repeating themselves over and over again, while I have yet to see any of those supposedly positive things happening.
To some degree, my luck is in my hands right?
But not entirely, really. Yes, I can control how I prioritize my means and how I spend my time. I haven't given up yet, and I'm not planning to any time soon.
But there's a massive headache going on.
I'm not on the same side as the others. Never have, never will be.
It's like I have some serious bad luck spree hanging over my head, following me from east to west, left to right, alfa to omega.
Been waiting for over 3 years for something good to happen. Some bright and shiny thing that could make me smile. But instead the only good things I can provide for are the material goods. I can provide myself with nutritions, I can keep myself warm at night, I can buy myself the goods I want, I can keep my head above the ground, and I can work for my future. But not entirely that either.
I'm unemployed. I'm born with a mental defection that evolved due to poor judgement by my parents and general unidealistic situations to raise a child in. I'm receiving benefits while working towards my high school degree (that I never had).
It's tempting to put all this responsibility onto someone else. Why did my mom let me flee my country, rather than getting a stable education? Why did she never ask me to do anything for myself? Why didn't anyone teach me how to pick up my own slack? But it's also my own fault. Cause I made the decisions I made, I am not trapped by my mother and father's poor decision making skills.
I was a test subject, sure. A failed one as well. But once I realized, I should have been able to clean up my own mess.. But I just can't. I'm too busy hating the world, hating humanity, being disgusted by myself and all others, wanting more, feeling envious of everyone else.
I'm digging my own grave, yet I feel as if I don't have any strength to get out and up. I don't feel like there's anything I can do. I'm bad at most things, and the few things I'm decent at - I'm actually just pretty average (if not less) at.
23 years old, and never had a chance to live.
Born into an unstable situation of domestic violence and other negative things. 6 years of age, we shook of that guy, only for my mother to find another one - and domestic violence, here we come again. Add some alcohol and drugs, and we're there.
Then I lost my mind. Struggled with hallusinations and panic attacks my whole childhood. Never had the will to socialize, as I knew I was too different to make a friend.. So I isolated myself.
By the time I was 15, I just wanted a fresh start.
So I left my country, all by myself..
I lost some weight and started putting my life together. I had a few happy years there. 3, to be specific.
But then my hallusinations come back, and I'm incapable of functioning.
After that I've been more or less handicapped. I barely manage to carry my disgusting lump of a body out of my doorstep. I barely manage to do anything. I just wait for the time to pass, and dream about things that can never happen to me.
I have no one. Everyone left me (family and relatives). I don't talk to anyone, I have never had a friend, I keep up this fake bond between my mother and sister once in a while, but in reality they don't care. My mother dumped me off as soon as she thought I got in the way. She must have figured I'd never be normal, so she had to make sure I'd stay out of her way. I don't blame her, it's natural to get rid of negativity. I just wish she had never created me to begin with. Cause I can't carry my own weight. There's nothing in the whole world that can keep me together. I'm bad at everything, so even if I do everything right, I'm pretty sure I can't even graduate high school. My big dream is to attend an university, and to be able to leave this country once and for all. Have a true fresh start. But this is a big if.. Cause I already have huge issues just attending school, as it requires me to leave my bubble. I feel like my brain is constantly tired, and I just wanna go away.. Silence, darkness.. atlast.
But barriers are everywhere. I can never economically be stable. Things break all around me, preferably they chose to do it all at once - just so it'll be extra painful and impossible to fix.
Sometimes I wish I had someone to open up to. A friend. Someone who could make me love myself, or even them. Restore some faith in humanity, even.. Cause as of now, I see you all (and me included) as stinking, disgusting, selfish, cold, cynical, evil, sexual beasts who make me gag. There is no good in anyone.

But.. maybe I just don't fit in this world. I'm sorry for taking up a spot and draining resources. I'm too big of a pussy to face the unknown.

So as I've removed most of my problems, one by one, I've started to realize that I'm not entirely in control of it all.
There are several things influencing me at all times.. I somehow got it in my head that cigarettes were (for example) what makes me so easily depressed.. But I've been clean for about a month now, and I still have frequent falls that have nothing to do with my self-loath for smoking.
All in all, I'm pleased with not smoking any longer and I never intend to change that. I have gotten rid of a couple of problems that came hand in hand with cigarettes..
But there are more.
I honestly have no clue what makes the depression sneak upon me so frequently. I go through a 2-3 day depression spree on a weekly basis, and never without an apparent reason.
I just can't get out of bed, my head feels heavy, my heart empty, my brain reduced.. I feel like some form of zombie incapable of feeling emotions. Or atleast, incapable of feeling most emotions. Cause there's this faint feeling of sorrow at all times, but I don't understand where it's coming from.
Sometimes I know why.. Sometimes it's just cause nothing "clicks" with my brain. This world was designed by people who decided to exclude my kind. Nothing is done the way I feel natural and comfortable with, and  I keep having to make major gestures to adapt - which drains and wounds me.
I can escape it all, though.. Maybe more than most. I have a "general pardon" caused by my discovered mental disorder (I suspect there are a few undiscovered ones as well, since I carry too many problems for this one) so no one expects much from me. I impress while I personally feel disappointed in myself.
Not that I have much human contact though. I feel it's too messy. Nothing "clicks" there at all, and it only adds complications.
But escaping isn't enough... I want more. I want to live a fulfilling life. I want to fall in love, feel pride, feel accomplishments. I want to be in control, I want to see myself evolve.. I'm sick of this one step forward, two steps back kinda life I am forced to live. Unless someone carries me, I never make it anywhere.
I can't be carried forever, and I most definately can't keep failing.
I'm 23 now.. My birthday has just passed.. 23 and I've accomplished nothing. I'm not even close to the end of my education, nor am I doing in particular impressive. I have no friends. I don't keep in touch with family or realtives. I don't have a driver's lisence. I don't have much of a life, really.. All I do is sit and wait for the day I feel okay again, so I can make the most out of it.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm cursed because of my ability to adapt and always be happy.. Before my disorder struck me, I was the kinda person who'd get estatic over nothing. If nothing was going on, I'd create my own adventure. I'd take a bikeride into the unknown, sit down at a bench and reach out to strangers - only to hear their tales. I was strange and impulsive, but always excited.
But then my disorder struck me, and now I can barely move from my bed to the bathroom. I make the most out of things, but I'm clouded by unexplained emotions and feelings.. Sometimes my brain just feels "cloudy", other times it feels as though I'm 3 seconds away from being slaughtered - and although I don't believe it, my body surely does. And then I have to struggle with the symtoms of terror and panic. Only to be exhausted, pass out.. And bam, there goes my dayrythm. Again.
I want to be neutral. I want to be in charge of how my day turns out.. I don't want my brain and my body to play tricks on me any longer. I want to go to the cinema without fear, I want to take a walk without the panic, I want to seize the day without the falls.

Time for.. Peace!

As I've accomplished quite some of my goals lately, I've felt a bit empty. I realize alot more now than I used to.. I'm less bitter and more acceptant. Things are just the way they are, and I am living up to my philosophies for a change.
Well, first and foremost it's to be stated that I passed all my exams.. I'd say one result surprised me in a negative way, while most were expected according to effort.
I will have to put in more effort though, but it's good to see that it's all up to me. I always felt like there was a force of negativity predetermining my results in life. And then I figured "why even bother".
First semester has passed, and I'm decently satisfied. I have learned how to cope with seeing human beings on a "daily" basis, and also how to not let it distract me.
I was confused - in the beginning - but now I'm not. I will not let my time be drained by humanity anymore. I'll admit it's a little challenging to reject people in a polite way. It's not personal, I just don't wish to make an effort for personal relationships. It's quite amusing and entertaining while I'm at home, online and steering my own ship.. But on a more advanced level, I'm simply not interested.

Anyhow, I've recently purchased myself an Alienware m17x.. It's only the basic version, so it's nothing too amazing. However it does it's job, and it does it like a beast.
I call him an alien with superpowers.
I'm very pleased, I can play my favorite games in less convenient enviroments now.

I've also purchased an iPhone 4S.. I'm very satisfied with this. The phone felt a little less satisfying, as I already had the iPhone 4.. However my friend had his phone broken, and he's never owned a smartphone, so I figured he could have it. As well as I wanted the upgraded camera, and I was satisfied with my phone as it was - so a minor upgrade was perfect.

Anyhow.. I wish to share a couple of stories of my summer vacation so far then:

First off, I mostly just sat at home being emo. My car didn't pass the EU test, and I had to spit out some cash I didn't have in order to get some things fixed.
Not all of the things are fixed yet (still 3 leaks), however it passed for now.
Afterwards I was short on money, and sat around feeling depressive.. I played a lot of WoW, and got more into PVP than usual.. DS is a yawnfest, so I had nothing better to do than to put more effort into this.
Eventually my mother came around, and it was nice to see her again.
Things did get messy though (as always) but not everything was her fault this time.. UPS (the people in charge of sending and delivering my Alienware) managed to mess up. They lost the laptop, and they couldn't retrack it. They lied to me for 8 or 9 days straight, saying to stay home from 9am to 7pm and wait for it, cause it was incoming "today" and as it closed in on 7, it was to be delivered "tomorrow".
Eventually Dell solved this whole mess, and an unpredictable Thursday (last week) my mother called me and told me to run out, as the delivery guy was outside.
This was a really happy moment, as I'd completely given up on it. I was prepare to cancel my purchase and request my money back, only to settle for a 14 inches one for an even more expensive price (in the shop :<).
That same day I bought the iPhone as my father's birthday money had arrived.

Around the same time (in fact, leading up to that very Thursday) my cousins had decided to visit. Now, I have not properly seen them in years.. I've had a couple of face to face encounters with them in the past 10 years or so, but otherwise very little contact. It's to be mentioned these are the only people amongst my relatives, whom I desire any form of contact with.
But I've never bothered to make much of an effort for it either, as social actities always drains me - and I've not felt a need for family either.
It was really nice to have them here, however. As family (and good ones at that, too!) they managed to respect my weird tendencies and still have a good time with me.
We got drunk 2 nights, one where we headed to a local (and dead) bar.. I got really drunk, and started offending people there (out of boredom). Stereotypical social awkward behavior of mine, enhanced with alcohol.
Second night we stayed sober, but they dropped by my place to just chat.
The following night we went to visit a friend (K) and drank there. It was a nice time, but as they had planned to travel home the following morning, the night was cut a bit short. I wasn't ready for the night to end, when it did (my mother and sister picked us up).
I had arrived a little late, though, as I wanted to wait 'til 7pm, just incase (although at that point the laptop was confirmed lost).

Overall I've had a strange and also nice summer.
At the moment I'm enjoying peace.
I've muted my phone, I'm spending most my time in bed or by my PC.. Sometimes I bring the alien with super powers to bed with me, as well :P
I've been watching The Walking Dead and Jericho. I'm always fond of post-apocalyptic topics - and I'm never fond of movies the same was as TV shows.
I don't wish to encounter a single human being, until my vacation ends (14th of August, I believe).

Also, my birthday is coming up in about a week (July 28th).. No plans, and I don't think anyone - besides my dad - has given it much thought. So I'll probably be emo and go Black Temple, as always :P Hope the glaives drop.

Ah, and.. I looked through some older pictures of myself.. I weighed a good 49kg back then, and it was hurtful to see current pictures of myself. I'm not optimal, I really need to shapen up. I will probably never be content with myself until I managed to shed off this weight.
I'm not sure what my problem is, but I can't seem to restrict myself on this area for too long at the time. It's not the food, unfortunately - cause that's easy to control. It has more to do with my alcoholic habits, and the 2 days after (where all I wanna drink is coca cola).
I've quit smoking over the summer, so I hope that will help. Not as appealing drinking alcohol without smokes.

Today I've been good.. I've drank half a glass of juice (rather than my 1-2 glasses of juice or a can of coke :p) and I had 2 crispbreads with some vegetables and cheese.
I also had 2 carrots later on, and my dinner is planned to be soysausages. Then again, food is never really thre problem, so we'll see.

As I've managed to complete most of my goals, It's time I aim for a couple of others.. And those shall be:
*Shed my weight slowly, steady and be decently healthy (as healthy just doesn't appeal :<).. I don't wanna eat meat, I don't want alot of proteins.. I wanna drink juice instead of fruits, I don't want to go low carb.. I wish to stick to a 1200 calorie-ish limit.
*Conquer my fear of flying. I want to be able to go on a simple vacation within the next 2 years. I find amusement in simply playing with google earth. I shouldn't have to watch it from my computer screen forever.

Ah well, over and out for now.

Exam.

First exam in 3 1/2 hours.. Have not slept, I'm not really sleepy. Not to mention, I'm kinda FUCKING nervous :P Not about today's exam, but I have an exam the day after. And that subject, I don't feel very strong in,
We've had no lectures in this subject, and it's a highly graphic subject, so I feel it might have been somewhat more necessary than for example social studies (to have lectures in, that is).
Either way, I'll keep my fingers crossed for a mere pass.
Have slacked a bit, yes I'll admit.
I'm reading through things now, and I'll hope to fit in another time before the actual exam.
There's alot I don't understand, but there's also a lot I do understand.. So let's hope I'm lucky with the chosen topic.

Needed a small break, to "digest" the information before starting a new topic.. I'm a little more than halfway through, but I am also copying all the text into a word file (to print out and bring for the 30 min preperation when I know my topic).
So it'll hopefully take a little shorter when I can just read through it like that.. And second times always makes things a little clearer, so no need to reread certain aspects a 10000000 times <.<

I've started playing WoW again.
It's consumed alot of my pre exam timing, and I have a feeling that was much because of me being nervous.
I have leveled up an UD rogue to 85 on the realm Kazzak. Being out of character slots, I had no choice but to do it on another realm.. I thought going back to horde might be a good idea.
Horde will always hold a special place in my heart.
I'm really just playing alliance cause of draeneis. And my issues with having characters seperate, not being able to mail gold to each other, be in the same guild etc.. That might change now, though. OR I'll just start spam leveling on Kazzak, since I miss it so dearly :P

Anyway, off to more reading.. I can read for another 2ish hours, before I gotta start preparing for my exam. Let's hope I can afford some burn, since I'll probably be tired.

Saturday again.

Let's hope today gets better. I've done my best to grab my life by it's horns. <.<
I made sure not to sleep more than 6-7ish hours. And I popped vitamins, a banana, drank water instantly. Then I washed myself, brushed my teeth and put on makeup.
Funny how much difference makeup makes.
I don't care too much about it when I go out, cause going out is a bitchy task as it is, so the joy of it will fade.
But when I'm alone with myself, wearing makeup can turn my mood upside down.. I all of a sudden feel a little more worthy. And my self-esteem is very much linked to my mood, nowadays.
Makeup wise I did the Kim Kardashian eyes. Takes ages, but IMO it's the only good way to do eye makeup. Used a lipstick called something related to coffee.. Don't recall, cba to check. And then just a simple layer of powder.
Well, let's see how things turn.
I'm probably gonna drink tonight, so I'll probably skip eating. Saves some calories, if I have to be this disobedient. I'm a little cursed with 2 extreme opponents in my brain. I blame my mom and dad. They're like day & night, fire & ice, black & white.. etc.
Basically my left and right side of the brain never agrees on anything, and they're both too stubborn to compromise. So my life is a constant battle between left and right :P I can never seem to balance anything. Either I overdo, or I do nothing at all. Either I'm extremely happy, or depressed.. etc..
I must sound nuts.
But, I probably am to some degree.

Anyway, I hope tonight turns well..

Jeeebus Christus.

-.-

I went to bed at around 3am yesterday.. Guess when I woke up.. 8pm <.<

I had overslept for school (1.50pm) once again.

I don't know what's going on with my body, but I'm overall feeling really strange. 

My mood is like neutral. I don't feel too much, besides constant tiredness.

I've been up approx 7 hours now, and I'm already close to passing out again.

Anyway, today hasn't been all too great. Hope tomorrow will turn out better. If not there's always my best friend, beer, at my aid.

Woke up around 8. Ate some mini pizzas. Showered. Listened to some music. Emo'd. Ate wok veggies + rice. And here we are.

Trying to play some World of Warcraft, as I could use a hobby again. Might motivate me a bit to stay awake more. SWTOR requires far too much effort, since I don't have 8 lvl 50's <.< Or even one.

While in WoW, they're all more than caught up, so I won't get too consumed (addicted being the right word), right before my exams.

Meh.

Watched The Descendants yesterday. Good movie. Well awesome scenary more like it. Filmed on Hawaii.. What I'd give to live there.

:(

Top 20 ugliest women on the planet [IMO]

Here we go..

20:

Katherine Heigl. Not sure what makes me feel this way.. Something about her whale eyes, not to mention blondes with brown eyes rarely look good. She also always plays roles that annoy me.

19:

Bridget Moynahan. What happens when you combine an ugly face with a boring look? Yes, you get a 19th place on my top 20 ugliest women.

18:

Gisele Bundchen. She does look horrible without makeup, but even with.. There's something wrong there. I don't like her eyes, in particular much, but the thing that really messes it up, must be her nose. She's also a model, and they tend to be rather plain looking and way too skinny.

17:

Heidi Klum. Not quite sure what makes people find her so beautiful. She looks like any other blonde. She doesn't have any unique and beautiful facial attributes. She does, however, have weird eyes and an ugly nose.

16:

Jennifer Connelly. Those eyebrows must go.. Either way, her eyes look kinda dead. And she has a way too small mouth. She also looks kinda weird when she speaks. And she has a strange body language. But all in all, she looks like just another woman. And that's uglier to me than true disaster looks.

15:

Michelle Williams. I don't like her eyes. She looks like how I stereotype a Russian. I think this Russian stereotype is one of the ugliest you can come across.. Stretched eyes, plain look. Her nose also doesn't suit her face.

14:

Keri Russell.. Man, woman.. Or perhaps a troll? Everything in her face is too straight, and she doesn't do anything to seperate herself from the crowd.. Besides not brushing her hair, that is.

13:

Emma Watson. Can't stand this look. Pale with light brown hair, and a way too "natural" look. She doesn't have any natural attributes to make herself look good, either.

12:

Shannon Elizabeth. Her eyes really annoy me. And I don't like her posture/body. She just doesn't do it for me.

11:

Karolina Kurkova. Horrible body. Awful nose and eyes. She looks like how I imagine my bitter taste buds looking like.

10:

Kirsten Bell. Another person suffering from the ugly eyes & nose syndrom. With a weird forehead, and a boring look, that is. Thanks for ruining Veronica Mars (@ whoever hired her).

9:

Jennifer Garnier. So much wrong here. Teeth, lips, CHIN!, eyes, nose.. I've got to look away.

8:

Fergie. Great voice, good style concept.. But then I see her face. Thank God for paperbags. Too bad she doesn't wear on. Let's hope her face ended up looking like that, after a bad plastic surgery experience. If not, I wish her children good luck.

That piercing makes everything worse, by the way.

7:

Jennifer Aniston. Can't quite put my finger on what's wrong with her (besides the obvious: eyes, nose, lips, chin).. Either way. This isn't good. So many awesome movies ruined by her.

6:

Jessica Biel. Not sure if she really is that ugly, or if it's just the look she goes for that doesn't suit her. Either way, she's a person I try to avoid looking at for too long. 

5:

Kaley Cuoco. She looks like someone is squeezing all the blood to her head. She's about to pop, that's for sure. She reminds me a bit of a bird. Either way, thanks for ruining Charmed.

4:

Uma Thurman. *Shiver* It's hard to imagine that there's worse to come.. 

3:

Milla Jovovich. She looks like a drag queen who keeps it natural and real. If that's what (s)he is, then more power to her (him?). Those eyes are god-awful. 

Atleast it draws the attention away from her boring style.

2:

Keira Knightley. She's very good at pouting, I'll hand that to her. But the pout is a little too much sometimes, especially when you're trying to get a feel for a storyline. It turns the most serious momentum into a joke.

Either way, I don't think she looks in particular good. Her style is boring (she'd make a great model, with their standards), and her body + posture is weak (for my taste).

1:

Natalie Portman. Not gonna state that I don't see what people see in her, cause I do. The only problem is, I don't see or feel it myself. She's everything I dislike in a woman (pure looks, she seems like an admirable character IRL. And she's a great actress).

Her skin tone looks really bad with her eye & hair color, her eyebrows are too straight. Her nose looks bad, and so does her lips. She'd also make an excellent model, by the way.. She's like the queen of that look. 

Not my cup of tea. But I have no choice but to watch her movies, as she tends to pick strong ones. And she does her job very well.

Ugly Women

Here's some random ugly women.. They didn't make it to the top 20, but I still felt they were too bad looking not to be mentioned.

Random ones:

Miranda Kerr.

Clea Duvall.

Eva Mendes.

Cameron Diaz.

Kate Bosworth.

Kylie Minogue.

Madonna.

Penélope Cruz.

Katie Holmes.

Mayim Bialik.

Ashley Jensen.

Rachel McAdams.

Most attractive women.

Boredom calls. Gonna make a top most attractive and least attractive women.

Starting with most attractive..

Top 23, it turns out to be.

23:

Thandie Newton. She has a really good looking face, however she earns a few minus points for a boring overall look and her beauty mark. <.<


22:

Katy Perry. Mostly for her performance/looks on HIMYM. So, maybe it was more her character who got this spot.

21:

Elisha Cuthbert. The Girl Next Door.. Although not quite the way I imagine a girl next door, she's still a pretty good looking one. She pulls off many different aspects of the blonde look, and even masters most of them. Great face, great body.

20:

Lauren Conrad. Always had a thing for her. Love her cheeks and nose <.<


19:

Charlize Theron. She's got a really great body and beautiful eyes.

18:

Olivia Wilde. Generally a boring look, but she has that glint in her eye, and hot way of moving/talking.. So pictures do not serve her well. She also has great eyes for playing a villain, gotta love that.

17:

Lena Headey. A woman who puts her "strong woman" looks to good use. She doesn't pull off playing blonde very well, but she deserves a spot here nevertheless.

16:

Eva Longoria. One of my favorite types of looks.. She's one gorgeous woman (as long as she keeps her hair and makeup up).

15:

Mila Kunis. 'Nuff said?

14:

Becki Newton. Amusing, badass and cute looking. Her looks don't support her attractiveness altogether, there's just something about the energy she lets out combined with the playful glint in her eyes.

13:

Hayden Panettiere. Here it's a color thing.. The combination of her hair color, skin color and eye color looks sensational. Not to mention, she looks alot younger than she is. Pedo alert?

12:

Courtney Ford. Another one of those women with a "powerful woman"/"glint in her eye" look. But she tops it with some amazing cheekbones. Not to mention, I totally fell in love with her as Christine Hill in Dexter. More psycho chicks, plz.

11:

Christina Aguilera. The master of my two favorite looks (the blonde one and this one). If she looked anything like this natually, she'd be a killer number 1. However, without all the makeup, she looks a bit plain. Now don't get me wrong, I love overuse of makeup and products, combined with attention seeking colors. But I prefer it to support an already extreme look.

10:

Vanessa Hudgens. Close to perfection when it comes to looks, however she loses alot of points on me not liking her. And she lacks a few elements of edgyness in her overall style.

9:

Vanessa Williams. Amazing looks, and she carries her age with grace.

8:

Marion Cotillard. Something about her that I can't quite put my finger on.

7:

Scarlett Johansson. She has one of the best looking figures I know of, not to mention her lips! And great eyes.. Inspite of my lack of fondness for blondes, she turns it into something I might envy.

6:

Megan Fox. The queen of "powerful woman"/"glint in eye" look. But she combines it with my favorite look (Christina Aguilera one), and turns it into a hybrid, master of attraction look. She also seems like am admirable and strong person IRL. If I wasn't so jealous of her, I'd probably put her higher.

5:

James King. The best looking blonde on the planet. What I'd give to have her face.. I've worshipped her since I was 12 years old. This woman deserves more attention than she gets. Minus points for being blonde :P As the last spots will go to people I admire in a copycat-like way.

4:

Kim Kardashian. Royal body. Royal makeup style. Perfect hair. You'll never see me jump on the Kim Kardashian hatin' train. She's just a touch away from perfection, and she even looks good without makeup.

Catherine Zeta Jones. Stunning. 'Nuff said.

2:

Nicole Scherzinger. Another master of my favorite look. Her body is a bit too slim for my taste, or she'd be a definate winner with that face and general look.

1:

Janel Parrish. She doesn't really have a look I'd kill for myself, yet there's just something about her that leaves me breathless. Saw her first on Bratz, and first thing I did was run to the barbershop to check out the price on blue extensions.
Extra points for being from Hawaii. And a winner, we have.
Here's some more pictures of her: