Hate

It's consuming me.
Times move on, but things don't get better. The same problems remain, but instead of being resolved, they're left to rot inside of me.. The sources of my problems, atleast the living ones, are making it a point to dodge all my efforts of confrontation.
Now maybe I ought to shake these sources out of my life, and leave it unresolved. But it's not an easy decision to rid yourself of your own blood.
There's guilt, there's doubt, the child in you comes forwards..
I don't know what to do.

All I know is that I'm consumed with hatred.. I have become bitter. I feel so much rage and anguish that my hands start shaking, and my brain enter a mind-numbing mode of dealing.
I'm nauseous all the time, I see disturbing images.. I want to cry, I want to shout, I want to stab, I want to punch, I want to rip to shreds.. But in the end, I lock this all up inside of me.. And I end up going nowhere.

I used to harm myself whenever I'd be filled with this kinda rage, but then one day I realized I am not the one who deserves to be harmed. I'm innocent and I'm betrayed. So instead I hold it in, because I never want to lay my hands on another.. And it's breaking me.

-You let me down.
-You disappoint me.
-You act impulsively and don't involve me in decisions that directly impact me.
-You turn your back on me when I'm in need, yet complain that I'm not sympathizing enough. Your worst sorrow in life has been your problems adapting to responsibilities and adulthood. I cannot sympathize, there's too much pain out there and yours seem so minor.
-You make promises after promises, and never keep a single one of them.. Your guilt makes you promise things you don't want to keep, and then you let me down even more.
Those were meant for people I have personal bonds with.

Now comes the ones for the less personal ones:
-You're ignorant. In a conflict, there's always a wrongdoer and a victim. You only see the side you sympathize with, and you take it as the truth.
-You roll in your arrogance, spread it around.
-You lack depth, and grieve over spilled milk, poor little rich kid.
-You're blue-eyed, but still think you know it all..

I need to get away.. I cannot stay here any longer. Your faces appear distorted, because my hatred draws forward your true face. The inner face will always arise.
How long must I isolate myself? To protect you from my wrath..... To protect myself from the pain that's inflicted.

I've never had anyone. I've been tossed around like a useless object, and abandoned by everyone who made a promise. I am unable to function on a normal level, any longer. I used to take pride upon my uniqueness, now it's become a reality I can't get away from.

I'm not sad, any longer, really... I am just wrathful, and I want retribution.
I wanna tie up all lose ends, jump on a ship and float away into a fresh beginning.

But I have no more strength. My potential is wasted, I cannot reach to the locked away wall in my mind.. And without it, I cannot overcome. So I reach no further than mediocre, because I don't have the resources you have. I never did. I try to balance a thousand balls, while you have 3, and the assistance of your whole army.
Why does the world expect me to climb the same tree with different resources? Why am I being labelled based on my skills to fly as an elephant, while you (the genius) are a bird.

Go away and leave my sight, and take with you this endless night.