So Say We All

Bitterness and anguish. Nothing can ever move forward, without taking a major leap backwards. No matter how I try to look at things, it's always the same. The same bad things keep repeating themselves over and over again, while I have yet to see any of those supposedly positive things happening.
To some degree, my luck is in my hands right?
But not entirely, really. Yes, I can control how I prioritize my means and how I spend my time. I haven't given up yet, and I'm not planning to any time soon.
But there's a massive headache going on.
I'm not on the same side as the others. Never have, never will be.
It's like I have some serious bad luck spree hanging over my head, following me from east to west, left to right, alfa to omega.
Been waiting for over 3 years for something good to happen. Some bright and shiny thing that could make me smile. But instead the only good things I can provide for are the material goods. I can provide myself with nutritions, I can keep myself warm at night, I can buy myself the goods I want, I can keep my head above the ground, and I can work for my future. But not entirely that either.
I'm unemployed. I'm born with a mental defection that evolved due to poor judgement by my parents and general unidealistic situations to raise a child in. I'm receiving benefits while working towards my high school degree (that I never had).
It's tempting to put all this responsibility onto someone else. Why did my mom let me flee my country, rather than getting a stable education? Why did she never ask me to do anything for myself? Why didn't anyone teach me how to pick up my own slack? But it's also my own fault. Cause I made the decisions I made, I am not trapped by my mother and father's poor decision making skills.
I was a test subject, sure. A failed one as well. But once I realized, I should have been able to clean up my own mess.. But I just can't. I'm too busy hating the world, hating humanity, being disgusted by myself and all others, wanting more, feeling envious of everyone else.
I'm digging my own grave, yet I feel as if I don't have any strength to get out and up. I don't feel like there's anything I can do. I'm bad at most things, and the few things I'm decent at - I'm actually just pretty average (if not less) at.
23 years old, and never had a chance to live.
Born into an unstable situation of domestic violence and other negative things. 6 years of age, we shook of that guy, only for my mother to find another one - and domestic violence, here we come again. Add some alcohol and drugs, and we're there.
Then I lost my mind. Struggled with hallusinations and panic attacks my whole childhood. Never had the will to socialize, as I knew I was too different to make a friend.. So I isolated myself.
By the time I was 15, I just wanted a fresh start.
So I left my country, all by myself..
I lost some weight and started putting my life together. I had a few happy years there. 3, to be specific.
But then my hallusinations come back, and I'm incapable of functioning.
After that I've been more or less handicapped. I barely manage to carry my disgusting lump of a body out of my doorstep. I barely manage to do anything. I just wait for the time to pass, and dream about things that can never happen to me.
I have no one. Everyone left me (family and relatives). I don't talk to anyone, I have never had a friend, I keep up this fake bond between my mother and sister once in a while, but in reality they don't care. My mother dumped me off as soon as she thought I got in the way. She must have figured I'd never be normal, so she had to make sure I'd stay out of her way. I don't blame her, it's natural to get rid of negativity. I just wish she had never created me to begin with. Cause I can't carry my own weight. There's nothing in the whole world that can keep me together. I'm bad at everything, so even if I do everything right, I'm pretty sure I can't even graduate high school. My big dream is to attend an university, and to be able to leave this country once and for all. Have a true fresh start. But this is a big if.. Cause I already have huge issues just attending school, as it requires me to leave my bubble. I feel like my brain is constantly tired, and I just wanna go away.. Silence, darkness.. atlast.
But barriers are everywhere. I can never economically be stable. Things break all around me, preferably they chose to do it all at once - just so it'll be extra painful and impossible to fix.
Sometimes I wish I had someone to open up to. A friend. Someone who could make me love myself, or even them. Restore some faith in humanity, even.. Cause as of now, I see you all (and me included) as stinking, disgusting, selfish, cold, cynical, evil, sexual beasts who make me gag. There is no good in anyone.

But.. maybe I just don't fit in this world. I'm sorry for taking up a spot and draining resources. I'm too big of a pussy to face the unknown.