Clenching to pain.

So.. In my previous blog entry, it came out how everything seems to be falling into it's right place. Things are going to be allright, it seems.
I went a little "nuts" the past days due to this.. I spent quite an amount of money on things I normally wouldn't. Mostly in the shape of alcoholic drinks, actually. I must have spent one thousand NOK on it this once night, and I partied the following night with a sixpack of ciders.. Adding another 200-300ish NOK to my bill of guilt.
I'm not sure why I'm making such a big deal out of this, but apparently I am.
Money shouldn't be of an issue right now, but I feel beaten down with guilt.
I had my fun, I won't repeat it.. I wish this would be enough to soothe my mind.
But apparently it isn't.
And I've been feeling rather down today..
It's not only that, I suppose it's also social issues (again).. I am not sure if there's an actual issue, as I tend to purposely block out drunken memories.
The thing is, I never tell the entire truth.. And sometimes when drunk, the truths can get a bit mixed up together and turn into lies.
And if you share that with the wrong people, things might add up to seem like a bigger deal than it actually is.
I just hope this can be overlooked.
I won't waste any more cash, I'll only buy necessary things.. I suppose I deserved to celebrate after a rough 6 months :|
I've stacked up on soaps, shampoos, tooth pastes etc.. Bought some makeup I was out of, bought myself a new perfume, and changed a character + migrated a friend's character.
I'm considering buying some waterproof winter shoes, as there's major sales going on atm..
Maybe some other half-necessary items like this..
We'll see.
And the rest shall be kept in a DVD box as savings.. For worse times or potentially a rewarding summer vacation to either Scotland or Runde (near Ålesund), depending on how the economy is going to look.

I just feel like my life is spinning somewhat out of control.. I always go with the flow, but the flow has increased it's speed by 300% and before I have a chance to realize what happens, something new happens.. I barely have a chance to consider my decisions anymore.

I hope for a calm weekend.. No social commitments. I hope this whole week will be calm socially, really.
I'm once again uncertain of whether or not I wish to have friends.
I know one thing though.. I've evolved friendly feelings for someone, and it's really confusing.
I care how she feels :| I enjoy her company ALOT.. And I consider it a distraction, as well as it's rather confusing for my general beliefs..
You're always stronger solo, social only adds distractions, unity means weakness of the one etc..
But who knows, maybe I'd feel a little more emotional about the social if I hadn't gotten any "friends".. I mean, I could always excuse myself of never going out - hence not having friends - if I was having a moment of emotional confusion related to this.. But being in school, I could not use this excuse, so it might have harmed my self-esteem slightly more.

Anyway..
It seems I have resolved the social issues that made me feel bad about a week ago.. No, we're not besties, running alongside the streets, hand in hand, shouting BFF lines.. However, I did send her an apology, and it seems to be accepted.
Now that's enough - I suppose..

Major deja vu right now, btw.

The first "party" was more me and a girl going out.. I bought some drinks for us both, and I abandoned her as she started crying -.-
Bad call, I know, but I hate drunken drama and when I'm drunk myself I act more on impulses.
I ended up following 2 guys at home.. They seemed nice, really, and we had some common friends (:
We tried playing some magic the gathering, but I was too drunk to remember how it worked.
Afterwards the other guy played some Super Mario, while we all watched.
Eventually I went home and slept.

The following day I managed to get ready a little more on time than I had expected.. I had a party to attend, and I was hungover.
Kenneth was joining too.
And we had decided to pick up the girl I partied with the previous night.
Somewhere along the road, I managed to get a bit territorial and anti-social, so I decided to grab some food and drop those 2 off at the party location.
Then Matt drove off to search for a gas station or a supermarket..
I was very excited about having burned 2 new CD's, so I also wanted to enjoy some music while hydrating myself and putting on make-up.
We found a gas station, but I didn't trust the guy behind the counter (I am paranoid, especially when hungover). So we went to a Rimi shop instead.
I bought some "kjøttkaker" from the prepared food section, and a couple of "rundstykke".. I also bought some baby food, mellers candy, mentos candy and a couple of cokes.. This mostly to have something to chose between, although I did end up with the kjøttkaker + rundstyke :P
Then we drove a bit off, and I got a mini panic attack..
Eventually I calmed myself down, and put on make-up.
And then he drove me to the party..
Apparently I recalled the wrong house, so I opened the neighbor's door and realized it was the wrong place.. So I walked a bit further, and found her house.
I entered, but saw there was ALOT more people than I expected.. so I make sure to lock myself in the bathroom to breath, before entering and saying hi.
The party host - the girl I freak myself out with caring for - ensured my comfort.. She gave me a good chair, right next to her.
I sat shyly, and drank some water..
There was this guy there who REALLY caught my attention.. I mean, I still have feelings for "youknowwho", but this guy became a close second.
But as he shared the name with a crush of my "friend", I decided not to allow this.
I subtlely ask if that's the one she had feelings for, though, and it wasn't..
So as everyone went out to smoke, I made sure to stay in.. As he did too, along with another girl.
He made sure to introduce himself to me, and keep up a conversation.
He seemed really plain and boring, but also nice.
So, basically.. He made my night a little more enjoyable.
He's obviously way out of my league, but I had some eye candy to keep me going..
Eventually - as getting drunk turned out to be a slow process (thanks hangover + food) I decided to open up my laptop.. I joined a LFR with Narcosis.
Made sure to fit smokebreaks whenever he had them, and once he told me to come sit next to him - so ofc I did.. Seemed another girl there liked him, though, so she made sure to grab his attention. This is just a speculation though, can't confirm it beyond my observations.
Eventually Kenneth and "insert name" decided to head off to the city.. I said I'd follow but with a car - due to me having brought alot of equipment (laptop, speakers and alcohol).
I didn't though..
Mostly cause I found this eye candy too strong. But also cause I wanted to get to know someone from my social studies class better, and she had not arrived.
I also hate going to the city, and prefer houseparties.
I suppose I offended Kenneth and "insert name", but nothing is confirmed, and I have spoken to them since.
Anyway.. As the night kept going on, I made sure to stare at my eye candy and talk to him whenever possible. And besides that play some WoW and stay on FB a bit.
It was a decent night, but as eye candy and others took off to have their own afterparty, I decided to ask Matt to pick me up.
So he did..
I went home, showered, and fell asleep.
As my memory is clouded, I surely hope I didn't screw anything up..
I was also glad to have a temporar eye candy, and I hope there will be more.. Cause parties can be boring without that tension IMO -.- I guess I party for the wrong reasons, sometimes.

The following day - aka yesterday - I had a pretty badass hangover.. Wasn't feeling too emotionally bad until later on (that always happens though).
I watched some dog whispered and Jaws 3 and Open Water.. Then I googled lots of shark facts, and read some random Wikipedia entries about other scientific things I was into.
I didn't fall asleep until between 9-10 AM.
So naturally I woke up really late today.
Approx around 15.30 the first time, but I kept on sleeping til 17.30 or so..
I hope to be able to go to bed within a reasonable hour, since I have school tomorrow.
I have read through some schoolwork as well, and I suppose I intend to read through some more. The raid got cancelled, which gave me a lovely option to catch a bit up.

Well that's all for now.
I am pretty sure I'll appreciate this blog as time goes on.. I make sure to add as many details as I dare to (just incase someone would ever find it. Apparently googling my email adress allows this, but I really doubt anyone will).
It's nice to record events as I evolve as a person etc :P

Well, over & out.