Changes.

As I returned to Norway 4 years ago, I thought my life was forever doomed.. Shaky and weakened from my new found disorder, I'd given up all faith.. Yet, my nerves wouldn't allow me to reflect on anything else than my fears. 

Things remained calm and it seemed I was stuck in a loophole that belong to the underworld (of pain) only.

4 years, and nothing improved..

And then 2012 strikes.

Alot of promising changes were predicted as I finally got the help I needed.. I've been given the chance to finnish high school level education, so that I can attend a university.

I expected it to be hard, but so far it's a pure joy. Yes, I have my moments of issues (I have not been able to solve my sleep issues yet), but overall it's a nice experience. I appreciate working for something, I appreciate being able to fix my faults.. And most of all, I love learning new things :)

So maybe I sometimes attend as knocked out and tired as I possibly can be.. And that does make me a little less motivated. But overall, I'm enthusiastic. And I'm learning alot.. I found a love for one of my major subject of hatred; history.. If I view it as a fascinating story - as well as a past far more fulfilling than our present :P The negatives of being evolved beyong average - it's very interesting.. The timeline of humanity has it's glorious moments that I enjoy hearing about.. I might be an idiot when it comes to details, but I'm hoping the overall picture will carry me beyond the grade I first expected: barely pass :P

But socially it's been a much greater challenge than I expected.. The first day, I met no one.. However, the second day, 3 new people approached. These people are still in my life.

Generally I didn't want the distraction.. Still not sure if I do, it varies alot.. Sometimes it's nice not to keep everything to myself, and to also be able to share issues and gain wisdom from other people's thoughts. Sometimes it's simply nice to have someone to get drunk with, rather than drinking solo infront of the PC - or with the company of 2 distance friends of mine. 

But there has been ALOT of negative sides to the social, and I'm pretty sure I'd have backed out by now, if I wasn't so avoidant of conflicts.

But as much as I hate to admit it.. I like having friends a bit.. I've always wished to go through life more or less solo. Independence is how I gain my pride, and being alone leaves people wondering who I am.. Rather than them knowing. I'm ashamed of myself, therefore I feel more comfortable being a mystery, or even invisible. It's atleast better than my own impresion of myself.

And to be honest, last weekend was a tough one.. But also I gained some clarity. I used my emotions in a place I never have before: socially. 

Thing is.. I attended a preparty arranged by one of those 3 "friends" I mentioned. I wanted to get to know some people in my Gym class, and she knew them and had invited them.

But while I was there, I was more or less exluded. The person I arrived with got very along with a guy. The host of the party did try to include me, but I felt it was more a pity thing, as well as I didn't wanna force anything. At that point I wasn't even sure if I liked her, but I later discovered she is a really good person. Maybe she isn't the brightest sheep of the flock, but she's got a really kind spirit.. And I appreciate that.

Usually kindness was the last thing I cared about, but it's always different standing on the outside and looking in. Either way, there were 4 souls who seemed to have a problem with me. One of them seemed curious of me and somewhat kind towards me in the beginning. Later on I kinda rejected it due to my mood. But as I have attempted to add him on FB, he has not accepted it; while he did accept the others, so I'm assuming I left a negative impression there too.

2 people though.. A guy and a girl, seemed to have a problem with me. I'm not sure why or even how it happened. I was actually trying to get to know the girl, and she seemed to want to get to know me too.. But at some point her male friend decided to dislike me, and it seems she did too.

The fourth guy is close with them. We got halfway along the few times he spoke to me, and he did not decline my FB accept. But he also overall seems left with a negative impression, and I don't know what I did wrong in any of these cases.

It seems people just naturally dislike me 90% of the time. The other 10% is pity, really. There's probably a deeper explanation, and I hope time will show me.

It does hurt to have my fears come true though. I've been avoiding social contact with the norwegian breed since I was 15. And now it's all happening again. I wish I knew why. I could live with it in that case.. and if I couldn't, atleast I could improve.

Why don't people tell me why they dislike me? I usually tell people if I do.. And no, I haven't done that to these guys (as I don't dislike them), so I don't think it's me being "brutally honest".

Today I also had a meeting with someone from a weight loss program. Most of it is pretty bullshit, sure thing.. Less calories equals weight loss. But I did end up buying one of their protein shakes and a metabolism tea.

Mostly because I am badass lazy, and end up eating too little (nothing or cokes + energy drinks) and then a huge dinner.. Now I have a way to get myself some nutritions without much effort.

And it might be a nice kickstart to my diet, although I don't intend to continue with these products.

I just want to start, and then find my motivation. Maybe occasionally buy some protein shakes, as I love living off those on the side. Preferably I'd only eat one meal per day :P And now I can without screwing my metabolism entirely.

I also scanned myself. Apparently I've got a very unhealthy amount of fat, but also an extreme muscle mass. That means I have a pretty high BMR for an average girl. I had no idea I had any at all (so to speak :P ) so these news excited me. My stomach fat was also within a healthy limit, but still should be lower considering my age.. However my health age was damn high. I hope I can get it down.

My bone structure was also rather unusually powerful.. I suppose I'll never be small <.<

Well, I now have plenty of tools (also a measuring tape, I got for free yay :D lolz) to make this happen.. So I hope 2012 will be the year I get myself together.

In a year, I could be alot more happy and confident if I do..

All I need is some weight loss to feel entirely happy with my life. Well, atleast entirely not depressed :P And no, I'm not emo - but the weight thing does hurt me alot. It hurts my ability to love myself amongst others, and it makes me want to hide from the world.

Vanity is a strong side in me, so it's not doing me any good.

So my plan for now is to have one or two of these protein shakes per day and a balanced dinner.

This should be a nice increase to my metabolism, atleast after a while.

On the side of this, I'm intending to drink this metabolism/cleansing tea and see if it's any good.. If it is, I intend to buy the cheaper version that my mom usually drinks - and having a cup of it every morning or so..

Warm drinks make my mornings so much easier.

The money situation is also looking up.. But at the expense of something else.

I had my roommate ask for his vacation money at an early date. That way we can afford fixing the car, and paying the necessary expenses - without having to build the economy up for another half year.

We can solve it again now, and thank God for that.. It's been hell ever since October.

And yes, we have a common economy when it comes to these kinda expenses.

So for the first time since October, I can breath out :D

I'll deal with my social issues.. In worst case, I'll end up changing number and always wear sunglasses + headphones (music) when in school - not in classes :P

And the rest I hope will work itself out.

Romantically.. I think it calls for a pause until I get my shit together. But don't think you're off the hook just yet. I know I want you. I just don't want to approach you with this much luggage.

But I'll stay in the shadows if I have a chance to see you again.

It seems situations are putting that on hold anyway.. So I have some time to make some gradual improvements. Maybe I'll be a different person the next time we meet.

I surely hope so, cause I won't be able to forget.

And now the final topic I need to vent.

It's no biggy at this moment, but it has been a "biggy" before..

I have this wonderful female friend. I met her through my favorite game; World of Warcraft 2 years-ish ago. Lately we've grown closer, and I do appreciate it.

But sometimes I feel like I'm more her shoulder to cry on, and that I don't matter.

She's very self-absorbed when she drinks, that might be why. Unless I'm glorifying her, It seems there's a very low interest for me participating.. She's got a certain "fanboy" who joins these sessions too, so obviously he only wants that too.

Sometimes it makes me feel really alone. But overall, I have the time of my life when we do this, so I can't complain too much.

I have grown to love her alot.. She's someone I intend to keep around forever, no matter what my future holds.

I hope this "wish" comes true.

Over and out.