Clenching to pain.

So.. In my previous blog entry, it came out how everything seems to be falling into it's right place. Things are going to be allright, it seems.
I went a little "nuts" the past days due to this.. I spent quite an amount of money on things I normally wouldn't. Mostly in the shape of alcoholic drinks, actually. I must have spent one thousand NOK on it this once night, and I partied the following night with a sixpack of ciders.. Adding another 200-300ish NOK to my bill of guilt.
I'm not sure why I'm making such a big deal out of this, but apparently I am.
Money shouldn't be of an issue right now, but I feel beaten down with guilt.
I had my fun, I won't repeat it.. I wish this would be enough to soothe my mind.
But apparently it isn't.
And I've been feeling rather down today..
It's not only that, I suppose it's also social issues (again).. I am not sure if there's an actual issue, as I tend to purposely block out drunken memories.
The thing is, I never tell the entire truth.. And sometimes when drunk, the truths can get a bit mixed up together and turn into lies.
And if you share that with the wrong people, things might add up to seem like a bigger deal than it actually is.
I just hope this can be overlooked.
I won't waste any more cash, I'll only buy necessary things.. I suppose I deserved to celebrate after a rough 6 months :|
I've stacked up on soaps, shampoos, tooth pastes etc.. Bought some makeup I was out of, bought myself a new perfume, and changed a character + migrated a friend's character.
I'm considering buying some waterproof winter shoes, as there's major sales going on atm..
Maybe some other half-necessary items like this..
We'll see.
And the rest shall be kept in a DVD box as savings.. For worse times or potentially a rewarding summer vacation to either Scotland or Runde (near Ålesund), depending on how the economy is going to look.

I just feel like my life is spinning somewhat out of control.. I always go with the flow, but the flow has increased it's speed by 300% and before I have a chance to realize what happens, something new happens.. I barely have a chance to consider my decisions anymore.

I hope for a calm weekend.. No social commitments. I hope this whole week will be calm socially, really.
I'm once again uncertain of whether or not I wish to have friends.
I know one thing though.. I've evolved friendly feelings for someone, and it's really confusing.
I care how she feels :| I enjoy her company ALOT.. And I consider it a distraction, as well as it's rather confusing for my general beliefs..
You're always stronger solo, social only adds distractions, unity means weakness of the one etc..
But who knows, maybe I'd feel a little more emotional about the social if I hadn't gotten any "friends".. I mean, I could always excuse myself of never going out - hence not having friends - if I was having a moment of emotional confusion related to this.. But being in school, I could not use this excuse, so it might have harmed my self-esteem slightly more.

Anyway..
It seems I have resolved the social issues that made me feel bad about a week ago.. No, we're not besties, running alongside the streets, hand in hand, shouting BFF lines.. However, I did send her an apology, and it seems to be accepted.
Now that's enough - I suppose..

Major deja vu right now, btw.

The first "party" was more me and a girl going out.. I bought some drinks for us both, and I abandoned her as she started crying -.-
Bad call, I know, but I hate drunken drama and when I'm drunk myself I act more on impulses.
I ended up following 2 guys at home.. They seemed nice, really, and we had some common friends (:
We tried playing some magic the gathering, but I was too drunk to remember how it worked.
Afterwards the other guy played some Super Mario, while we all watched.
Eventually I went home and slept.

The following day I managed to get ready a little more on time than I had expected.. I had a party to attend, and I was hungover.
Kenneth was joining too.
And we had decided to pick up the girl I partied with the previous night.
Somewhere along the road, I managed to get a bit territorial and anti-social, so I decided to grab some food and drop those 2 off at the party location.
Then Matt drove off to search for a gas station or a supermarket..
I was very excited about having burned 2 new CD's, so I also wanted to enjoy some music while hydrating myself and putting on make-up.
We found a gas station, but I didn't trust the guy behind the counter (I am paranoid, especially when hungover). So we went to a Rimi shop instead.
I bought some "kjøttkaker" from the prepared food section, and a couple of "rundstykke".. I also bought some baby food, mellers candy, mentos candy and a couple of cokes.. This mostly to have something to chose between, although I did end up with the kjøttkaker + rundstyke :P
Then we drove a bit off, and I got a mini panic attack..
Eventually I calmed myself down, and put on make-up.
And then he drove me to the party..
Apparently I recalled the wrong house, so I opened the neighbor's door and realized it was the wrong place.. So I walked a bit further, and found her house.
I entered, but saw there was ALOT more people than I expected.. so I make sure to lock myself in the bathroom to breath, before entering and saying hi.
The party host - the girl I freak myself out with caring for - ensured my comfort.. She gave me a good chair, right next to her.
I sat shyly, and drank some water..
There was this guy there who REALLY caught my attention.. I mean, I still have feelings for "youknowwho", but this guy became a close second.
But as he shared the name with a crush of my "friend", I decided not to allow this.
I subtlely ask if that's the one she had feelings for, though, and it wasn't..
So as everyone went out to smoke, I made sure to stay in.. As he did too, along with another girl.
He made sure to introduce himself to me, and keep up a conversation.
He seemed really plain and boring, but also nice.
So, basically.. He made my night a little more enjoyable.
He's obviously way out of my league, but I had some eye candy to keep me going..
Eventually - as getting drunk turned out to be a slow process (thanks hangover + food) I decided to open up my laptop.. I joined a LFR with Narcosis.
Made sure to fit smokebreaks whenever he had them, and once he told me to come sit next to him - so ofc I did.. Seemed another girl there liked him, though, so she made sure to grab his attention. This is just a speculation though, can't confirm it beyond my observations.
Eventually Kenneth and "insert name" decided to head off to the city.. I said I'd follow but with a car - due to me having brought alot of equipment (laptop, speakers and alcohol).
I didn't though..
Mostly cause I found this eye candy too strong. But also cause I wanted to get to know someone from my social studies class better, and she had not arrived.
I also hate going to the city, and prefer houseparties.
I suppose I offended Kenneth and "insert name", but nothing is confirmed, and I have spoken to them since.
Anyway.. As the night kept going on, I made sure to stare at my eye candy and talk to him whenever possible. And besides that play some WoW and stay on FB a bit.
It was a decent night, but as eye candy and others took off to have their own afterparty, I decided to ask Matt to pick me up.
So he did..
I went home, showered, and fell asleep.
As my memory is clouded, I surely hope I didn't screw anything up..
I was also glad to have a temporar eye candy, and I hope there will be more.. Cause parties can be boring without that tension IMO -.- I guess I party for the wrong reasons, sometimes.

The following day - aka yesterday - I had a pretty badass hangover.. Wasn't feeling too emotionally bad until later on (that always happens though).
I watched some dog whispered and Jaws 3 and Open Water.. Then I googled lots of shark facts, and read some random Wikipedia entries about other scientific things I was into.
I didn't fall asleep until between 9-10 AM.
So naturally I woke up really late today.
Approx around 15.30 the first time, but I kept on sleeping til 17.30 or so..
I hope to be able to go to bed within a reasonable hour, since I have school tomorrow.
I have read through some schoolwork as well, and I suppose I intend to read through some more. The raid got cancelled, which gave me a lovely option to catch a bit up.

Well that's all for now.
I am pretty sure I'll appreciate this blog as time goes on.. I make sure to add as many details as I dare to (just incase someone would ever find it. Apparently googling my email adress allows this, but I really doubt anyone will).
It's nice to record events as I evolve as a person etc :P

Well, over & out.

Changes.

As I returned to Norway 4 years ago, I thought my life was forever doomed.. Shaky and weakened from my new found disorder, I'd given up all faith.. Yet, my nerves wouldn't allow me to reflect on anything else than my fears. 

Things remained calm and it seemed I was stuck in a loophole that belong to the underworld (of pain) only.

4 years, and nothing improved..

And then 2012 strikes.

Alot of promising changes were predicted as I finally got the help I needed.. I've been given the chance to finnish high school level education, so that I can attend a university.

I expected it to be hard, but so far it's a pure joy. Yes, I have my moments of issues (I have not been able to solve my sleep issues yet), but overall it's a nice experience. I appreciate working for something, I appreciate being able to fix my faults.. And most of all, I love learning new things :)

So maybe I sometimes attend as knocked out and tired as I possibly can be.. And that does make me a little less motivated. But overall, I'm enthusiastic. And I'm learning alot.. I found a love for one of my major subject of hatred; history.. If I view it as a fascinating story - as well as a past far more fulfilling than our present :P The negatives of being evolved beyong average - it's very interesting.. The timeline of humanity has it's glorious moments that I enjoy hearing about.. I might be an idiot when it comes to details, but I'm hoping the overall picture will carry me beyond the grade I first expected: barely pass :P

But socially it's been a much greater challenge than I expected.. The first day, I met no one.. However, the second day, 3 new people approached. These people are still in my life.

Generally I didn't want the distraction.. Still not sure if I do, it varies alot.. Sometimes it's nice not to keep everything to myself, and to also be able to share issues and gain wisdom from other people's thoughts. Sometimes it's simply nice to have someone to get drunk with, rather than drinking solo infront of the PC - or with the company of 2 distance friends of mine. 

But there has been ALOT of negative sides to the social, and I'm pretty sure I'd have backed out by now, if I wasn't so avoidant of conflicts.

But as much as I hate to admit it.. I like having friends a bit.. I've always wished to go through life more or less solo. Independence is how I gain my pride, and being alone leaves people wondering who I am.. Rather than them knowing. I'm ashamed of myself, therefore I feel more comfortable being a mystery, or even invisible. It's atleast better than my own impresion of myself.

And to be honest, last weekend was a tough one.. But also I gained some clarity. I used my emotions in a place I never have before: socially. 

Thing is.. I attended a preparty arranged by one of those 3 "friends" I mentioned. I wanted to get to know some people in my Gym class, and she knew them and had invited them.

But while I was there, I was more or less exluded. The person I arrived with got very along with a guy. The host of the party did try to include me, but I felt it was more a pity thing, as well as I didn't wanna force anything. At that point I wasn't even sure if I liked her, but I later discovered she is a really good person. Maybe she isn't the brightest sheep of the flock, but she's got a really kind spirit.. And I appreciate that.

Usually kindness was the last thing I cared about, but it's always different standing on the outside and looking in. Either way, there were 4 souls who seemed to have a problem with me. One of them seemed curious of me and somewhat kind towards me in the beginning. Later on I kinda rejected it due to my mood. But as I have attempted to add him on FB, he has not accepted it; while he did accept the others, so I'm assuming I left a negative impression there too.

2 people though.. A guy and a girl, seemed to have a problem with me. I'm not sure why or even how it happened. I was actually trying to get to know the girl, and she seemed to want to get to know me too.. But at some point her male friend decided to dislike me, and it seems she did too.

The fourth guy is close with them. We got halfway along the few times he spoke to me, and he did not decline my FB accept. But he also overall seems left with a negative impression, and I don't know what I did wrong in any of these cases.

It seems people just naturally dislike me 90% of the time. The other 10% is pity, really. There's probably a deeper explanation, and I hope time will show me.

It does hurt to have my fears come true though. I've been avoiding social contact with the norwegian breed since I was 15. And now it's all happening again. I wish I knew why. I could live with it in that case.. and if I couldn't, atleast I could improve.

Why don't people tell me why they dislike me? I usually tell people if I do.. And no, I haven't done that to these guys (as I don't dislike them), so I don't think it's me being "brutally honest".

Today I also had a meeting with someone from a weight loss program. Most of it is pretty bullshit, sure thing.. Less calories equals weight loss. But I did end up buying one of their protein shakes and a metabolism tea.

Mostly because I am badass lazy, and end up eating too little (nothing or cokes + energy drinks) and then a huge dinner.. Now I have a way to get myself some nutritions without much effort.

And it might be a nice kickstart to my diet, although I don't intend to continue with these products.

I just want to start, and then find my motivation. Maybe occasionally buy some protein shakes, as I love living off those on the side. Preferably I'd only eat one meal per day :P And now I can without screwing my metabolism entirely.

I also scanned myself. Apparently I've got a very unhealthy amount of fat, but also an extreme muscle mass. That means I have a pretty high BMR for an average girl. I had no idea I had any at all (so to speak :P ) so these news excited me. My stomach fat was also within a healthy limit, but still should be lower considering my age.. However my health age was damn high. I hope I can get it down.

My bone structure was also rather unusually powerful.. I suppose I'll never be small <.<

Well, I now have plenty of tools (also a measuring tape, I got for free yay :D lolz) to make this happen.. So I hope 2012 will be the year I get myself together.

In a year, I could be alot more happy and confident if I do..

All I need is some weight loss to feel entirely happy with my life. Well, atleast entirely not depressed :P And no, I'm not emo - but the weight thing does hurt me alot. It hurts my ability to love myself amongst others, and it makes me want to hide from the world.

Vanity is a strong side in me, so it's not doing me any good.

So my plan for now is to have one or two of these protein shakes per day and a balanced dinner.

This should be a nice increase to my metabolism, atleast after a while.

On the side of this, I'm intending to drink this metabolism/cleansing tea and see if it's any good.. If it is, I intend to buy the cheaper version that my mom usually drinks - and having a cup of it every morning or so..

Warm drinks make my mornings so much easier.

The money situation is also looking up.. But at the expense of something else.

I had my roommate ask for his vacation money at an early date. That way we can afford fixing the car, and paying the necessary expenses - without having to build the economy up for another half year.

We can solve it again now, and thank God for that.. It's been hell ever since October.

And yes, we have a common economy when it comes to these kinda expenses.

So for the first time since October, I can breath out :D

I'll deal with my social issues.. In worst case, I'll end up changing number and always wear sunglasses + headphones (music) when in school - not in classes :P

And the rest I hope will work itself out.

Romantically.. I think it calls for a pause until I get my shit together. But don't think you're off the hook just yet. I know I want you. I just don't want to approach you with this much luggage.

But I'll stay in the shadows if I have a chance to see you again.

It seems situations are putting that on hold anyway.. So I have some time to make some gradual improvements. Maybe I'll be a different person the next time we meet.

I surely hope so, cause I won't be able to forget.

And now the final topic I need to vent.

It's no biggy at this moment, but it has been a "biggy" before..

I have this wonderful female friend. I met her through my favorite game; World of Warcraft 2 years-ish ago. Lately we've grown closer, and I do appreciate it.

But sometimes I feel like I'm more her shoulder to cry on, and that I don't matter.

She's very self-absorbed when she drinks, that might be why. Unless I'm glorifying her, It seems there's a very low interest for me participating.. She's got a certain "fanboy" who joins these sessions too, so obviously he only wants that too.

Sometimes it makes me feel really alone. But overall, I have the time of my life when we do this, so I can't complain too much.

I have grown to love her alot.. She's someone I intend to keep around forever, no matter what my future holds.

I hope this "wish" comes true.

Over and out.

Wisdom.

So.. Today I feel a little wiser, but also strung out.
It was the first day of school, and I felt extremely tense and worried.
I had my first class at 12.10, which is really early for me.. But due to my dayrythm, I hadn't slept more than 4-5 hours of bad sleep. Woke up at 8, feeling wide awake.
But a good amount of time in the morning never hurts.
I got to shower, eat slowly, drink something (not water though, due to time and money issues :< )
and then I did 3 BG's, I believe.
School was scary on the social aspect of things. I tried not to stare at anyone and avoid eye contact, once it happened, and some girl smiled to me.. I had the weirdest return smile, then I looked away -.- I feel so awkward being "social" while sober.
Learned a bit.. Took some great notes, and had a relatively interesting time.
The commitment, dayrythm and social anxiety is going to complicated this for me, but I hope it goes well. I do wanna learn and I'll enjoy it alot if I can.
I feel emotional, but I try to seek comfort in those little things..
Nitro, PVP, Cecilia & Sami, My iPhone, Good movies, The future etc..
I just hope I won't have too many problems.. Like the car breaks being fucked, hope it won't be too pricy. I'll have to find a way to make it work.. Smoke less maybe, spend less on food definately. No more meat except taco night which can be Friday or Saturday.
Noodles for hangover nights.
Stick to pizza, "brokkoli grateng", Springrolls w/ rice & wok, Onion soup, Occasional pasta dish etc.
It can be cheap, healthy and filling. I need to get back on my diet as soon as the money rolls in.. Today I feel so unhealthy, all I have been eating is oversalted noodles with tabasco lately :P
I did grab an apple, but only 2 left, so I wanna save them for school situations, where I'll need it.

WISHLIST:
-That I get economical assistance for school books.. Kinda awkward and impractical being without.
-That the car problems won't be too expensive.
-That the economy issues calm down.
-That I am able to afford winter tires, the oil leak fix and all my bills. I believe economical worries will really sabotage my already big issues with the commitment of social anxiety and bad sleep patterns (school).
-To be able to afford eating healthy again.
-That I manage to pay back Kenneth & Cecilia without jepordizing my economical situation.
-To afford bringing water to school - since I have those tap water problems -.-
-That my mom truly does shapen up and does as she's supposed to.. It's like she's a totally different person when she's with him. I liked her more while she lived with my alcoholic aunt. -.-

All the things I know right now
If I only knew back then
There's no gettin' over
No gettin over'
There's just no getting over you.
Wish I could spin my world into reverse, just to have you back again
There's no getting over
There's no gettin over
There's just no getting over you.


<.<

Told myself I'd let it go.. For a while.. Maybe while improving myself, and letting your hatred for me chill out.. But I don't think I can. So I guess I just have to gradually improve, and stay on distance. Who knows, maybe you'll offer me a chance to show what I'm worth at another time.