So as I've removed most of my problems, one by one, I've started to realize that I'm not entirely in control of it all.
There are several things influencing me at all times.. I somehow got it in my head that cigarettes were (for example) what makes me so easily depressed.. But I've been clean for about a month now, and I still have frequent falls that have nothing to do with my self-loath for smoking.
All in all, I'm pleased with not smoking any longer and I never intend to change that. I have gotten rid of a couple of problems that came hand in hand with cigarettes..
But there are more.
I honestly have no clue what makes the depression sneak upon me so frequently. I go through a 2-3 day depression spree on a weekly basis, and never without an apparent reason.
I just can't get out of bed, my head feels heavy, my heart empty, my brain reduced.. I feel like some form of zombie incapable of feeling emotions. Or atleast, incapable of feeling most emotions. Cause there's this faint feeling of sorrow at all times, but I don't understand where it's coming from.
Sometimes I know why.. Sometimes it's just cause nothing "clicks" with my brain. This world was designed by people who decided to exclude my kind. Nothing is done the way I feel natural and comfortable with, and  I keep having to make major gestures to adapt - which drains and wounds me.
I can escape it all, though.. Maybe more than most. I have a "general pardon" caused by my discovered mental disorder (I suspect there are a few undiscovered ones as well, since I carry too many problems for this one) so no one expects much from me. I impress while I personally feel disappointed in myself.
Not that I have much human contact though. I feel it's too messy. Nothing "clicks" there at all, and it only adds complications.
But escaping isn't enough... I want more. I want to live a fulfilling life. I want to fall in love, feel pride, feel accomplishments. I want to be in control, I want to see myself evolve.. I'm sick of this one step forward, two steps back kinda life I am forced to live. Unless someone carries me, I never make it anywhere.
I can't be carried forever, and I most definately can't keep failing.
I'm 23 now.. My birthday has just passed.. 23 and I've accomplished nothing. I'm not even close to the end of my education, nor am I doing in particular impressive. I have no friends. I don't keep in touch with family or realtives. I don't have a driver's lisence. I don't have much of a life, really.. All I do is sit and wait for the day I feel okay again, so I can make the most out of it.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm cursed because of my ability to adapt and always be happy.. Before my disorder struck me, I was the kinda person who'd get estatic over nothing. If nothing was going on, I'd create my own adventure. I'd take a bikeride into the unknown, sit down at a bench and reach out to strangers - only to hear their tales. I was strange and impulsive, but always excited.
But then my disorder struck me, and now I can barely move from my bed to the bathroom. I make the most out of things, but I'm clouded by unexplained emotions and feelings.. Sometimes my brain just feels "cloudy", other times it feels as though I'm 3 seconds away from being slaughtered - and although I don't believe it, my body surely does. And then I have to struggle with the symtoms of terror and panic. Only to be exhausted, pass out.. And bam, there goes my dayrythm. Again.
I want to be neutral. I want to be in charge of how my day turns out.. I don't want my brain and my body to play tricks on me any longer. I want to go to the cinema without fear, I want to take a walk without the panic, I want to seize the day without the falls.

Time for.. Peace!

As I've accomplished quite some of my goals lately, I've felt a bit empty. I realize alot more now than I used to.. I'm less bitter and more acceptant. Things are just the way they are, and I am living up to my philosophies for a change.
Well, first and foremost it's to be stated that I passed all my exams.. I'd say one result surprised me in a negative way, while most were expected according to effort.
I will have to put in more effort though, but it's good to see that it's all up to me. I always felt like there was a force of negativity predetermining my results in life. And then I figured "why even bother".
First semester has passed, and I'm decently satisfied. I have learned how to cope with seeing human beings on a "daily" basis, and also how to not let it distract me.
I was confused - in the beginning - but now I'm not. I will not let my time be drained by humanity anymore. I'll admit it's a little challenging to reject people in a polite way. It's not personal, I just don't wish to make an effort for personal relationships. It's quite amusing and entertaining while I'm at home, online and steering my own ship.. But on a more advanced level, I'm simply not interested.

Anyhow, I've recently purchased myself an Alienware m17x.. It's only the basic version, so it's nothing too amazing. However it does it's job, and it does it like a beast.
I call him an alien with superpowers.
I'm very pleased, I can play my favorite games in less convenient enviroments now.

I've also purchased an iPhone 4S.. I'm very satisfied with this. The phone felt a little less satisfying, as I already had the iPhone 4.. However my friend had his phone broken, and he's never owned a smartphone, so I figured he could have it. As well as I wanted the upgraded camera, and I was satisfied with my phone as it was - so a minor upgrade was perfect.

Anyhow.. I wish to share a couple of stories of my summer vacation so far then:

First off, I mostly just sat at home being emo. My car didn't pass the EU test, and I had to spit out some cash I didn't have in order to get some things fixed.
Not all of the things are fixed yet (still 3 leaks), however it passed for now.
Afterwards I was short on money, and sat around feeling depressive.. I played a lot of WoW, and got more into PVP than usual.. DS is a yawnfest, so I had nothing better to do than to put more effort into this.
Eventually my mother came around, and it was nice to see her again.
Things did get messy though (as always) but not everything was her fault this time.. UPS (the people in charge of sending and delivering my Alienware) managed to mess up. They lost the laptop, and they couldn't retrack it. They lied to me for 8 or 9 days straight, saying to stay home from 9am to 7pm and wait for it, cause it was incoming "today" and as it closed in on 7, it was to be delivered "tomorrow".
Eventually Dell solved this whole mess, and an unpredictable Thursday (last week) my mother called me and told me to run out, as the delivery guy was outside.
This was a really happy moment, as I'd completely given up on it. I was prepare to cancel my purchase and request my money back, only to settle for a 14 inches one for an even more expensive price (in the shop :<).
That same day I bought the iPhone as my father's birthday money had arrived.

Around the same time (in fact, leading up to that very Thursday) my cousins had decided to visit. Now, I have not properly seen them in years.. I've had a couple of face to face encounters with them in the past 10 years or so, but otherwise very little contact. It's to be mentioned these are the only people amongst my relatives, whom I desire any form of contact with.
But I've never bothered to make much of an effort for it either, as social actities always drains me - and I've not felt a need for family either.
It was really nice to have them here, however. As family (and good ones at that, too!) they managed to respect my weird tendencies and still have a good time with me.
We got drunk 2 nights, one where we headed to a local (and dead) bar.. I got really drunk, and started offending people there (out of boredom). Stereotypical social awkward behavior of mine, enhanced with alcohol.
Second night we stayed sober, but they dropped by my place to just chat.
The following night we went to visit a friend (K) and drank there. It was a nice time, but as they had planned to travel home the following morning, the night was cut a bit short. I wasn't ready for the night to end, when it did (my mother and sister picked us up).
I had arrived a little late, though, as I wanted to wait 'til 7pm, just incase (although at that point the laptop was confirmed lost).

Overall I've had a strange and also nice summer.
At the moment I'm enjoying peace.
I've muted my phone, I'm spending most my time in bed or by my PC.. Sometimes I bring the alien with super powers to bed with me, as well :P
I've been watching The Walking Dead and Jericho. I'm always fond of post-apocalyptic topics - and I'm never fond of movies the same was as TV shows.
I don't wish to encounter a single human being, until my vacation ends (14th of August, I believe).

Also, my birthday is coming up in about a week (July 28th).. No plans, and I don't think anyone - besides my dad - has given it much thought. So I'll probably be emo and go Black Temple, as always :P Hope the glaives drop.

Ah, and.. I looked through some older pictures of myself.. I weighed a good 49kg back then, and it was hurtful to see current pictures of myself. I'm not optimal, I really need to shapen up. I will probably never be content with myself until I managed to shed off this weight.
I'm not sure what my problem is, but I can't seem to restrict myself on this area for too long at the time. It's not the food, unfortunately - cause that's easy to control. It has more to do with my alcoholic habits, and the 2 days after (where all I wanna drink is coca cola).
I've quit smoking over the summer, so I hope that will help. Not as appealing drinking alcohol without smokes.

Today I've been good.. I've drank half a glass of juice (rather than my 1-2 glasses of juice or a can of coke :p) and I had 2 crispbreads with some vegetables and cheese.
I also had 2 carrots later on, and my dinner is planned to be soysausages. Then again, food is never really thre problem, so we'll see.

As I've managed to complete most of my goals, It's time I aim for a couple of others.. And those shall be:
*Shed my weight slowly, steady and be decently healthy (as healthy just doesn't appeal :<).. I don't wanna eat meat, I don't want alot of proteins.. I wanna drink juice instead of fruits, I don't want to go low carb.. I wish to stick to a 1200 calorie-ish limit.
*Conquer my fear of flying. I want to be able to go on a simple vacation within the next 2 years. I find amusement in simply playing with google earth. I shouldn't have to watch it from my computer screen forever.

Ah well, over and out for now.

Exam.

First exam in 3 1/2 hours.. Have not slept, I'm not really sleepy. Not to mention, I'm kinda FUCKING nervous :P Not about today's exam, but I have an exam the day after. And that subject, I don't feel very strong in,
We've had no lectures in this subject, and it's a highly graphic subject, so I feel it might have been somewhat more necessary than for example social studies (to have lectures in, that is).
Either way, I'll keep my fingers crossed for a mere pass.
Have slacked a bit, yes I'll admit.
I'm reading through things now, and I'll hope to fit in another time before the actual exam.
There's alot I don't understand, but there's also a lot I do understand.. So let's hope I'm lucky with the chosen topic.

Needed a small break, to "digest" the information before starting a new topic.. I'm a little more than halfway through, but I am also copying all the text into a word file (to print out and bring for the 30 min preperation when I know my topic).
So it'll hopefully take a little shorter when I can just read through it like that.. And second times always makes things a little clearer, so no need to reread certain aspects a 10000000 times <.<

I've started playing WoW again.
It's consumed alot of my pre exam timing, and I have a feeling that was much because of me being nervous.
I have leveled up an UD rogue to 85 on the realm Kazzak. Being out of character slots, I had no choice but to do it on another realm.. I thought going back to horde might be a good idea.
Horde will always hold a special place in my heart.
I'm really just playing alliance cause of draeneis. And my issues with having characters seperate, not being able to mail gold to each other, be in the same guild etc.. That might change now, though. OR I'll just start spam leveling on Kazzak, since I miss it so dearly :P

Anyway, off to more reading.. I can read for another 2ish hours, before I gotta start preparing for my exam. Let's hope I can afford some burn, since I'll probably be tired.

Saturday again.

Let's hope today gets better. I've done my best to grab my life by it's horns. <.<
I made sure not to sleep more than 6-7ish hours. And I popped vitamins, a banana, drank water instantly. Then I washed myself, brushed my teeth and put on makeup.
Funny how much difference makeup makes.
I don't care too much about it when I go out, cause going out is a bitchy task as it is, so the joy of it will fade.
But when I'm alone with myself, wearing makeup can turn my mood upside down.. I all of a sudden feel a little more worthy. And my self-esteem is very much linked to my mood, nowadays.
Makeup wise I did the Kim Kardashian eyes. Takes ages, but IMO it's the only good way to do eye makeup. Used a lipstick called something related to coffee.. Don't recall, cba to check. And then just a simple layer of powder.
Well, let's see how things turn.
I'm probably gonna drink tonight, so I'll probably skip eating. Saves some calories, if I have to be this disobedient. I'm a little cursed with 2 extreme opponents in my brain. I blame my mom and dad. They're like day & night, fire & ice, black & white.. etc.
Basically my left and right side of the brain never agrees on anything, and they're both too stubborn to compromise. So my life is a constant battle between left and right :P I can never seem to balance anything. Either I overdo, or I do nothing at all. Either I'm extremely happy, or depressed.. etc..
I must sound nuts.
But, I probably am to some degree.

Anyway, I hope tonight turns well..

Jeeebus Christus.

-.-

I went to bed at around 3am yesterday.. Guess when I woke up.. 8pm <.<

I had overslept for school (1.50pm) once again.

I don't know what's going on with my body, but I'm overall feeling really strange. 

My mood is like neutral. I don't feel too much, besides constant tiredness.

I've been up approx 7 hours now, and I'm already close to passing out again.

Anyway, today hasn't been all too great. Hope tomorrow will turn out better. If not there's always my best friend, beer, at my aid.

Woke up around 8. Ate some mini pizzas. Showered. Listened to some music. Emo'd. Ate wok veggies + rice. And here we are.

Trying to play some World of Warcraft, as I could use a hobby again. Might motivate me a bit to stay awake more. SWTOR requires far too much effort, since I don't have 8 lvl 50's <.< Or even one.

While in WoW, they're all more than caught up, so I won't get too consumed (addicted being the right word), right before my exams.

Meh.

Watched The Descendants yesterday. Good movie. Well awesome scenary more like it. Filmed on Hawaii.. What I'd give to live there.

:(

Top 20 ugliest women on the planet [IMO]

Here we go..

20:

Katherine Heigl. Not sure what makes me feel this way.. Something about her whale eyes, not to mention blondes with brown eyes rarely look good. She also always plays roles that annoy me.

19:

Bridget Moynahan. What happens when you combine an ugly face with a boring look? Yes, you get a 19th place on my top 20 ugliest women.

18:

Gisele Bundchen. She does look horrible without makeup, but even with.. There's something wrong there. I don't like her eyes, in particular much, but the thing that really messes it up, must be her nose. She's also a model, and they tend to be rather plain looking and way too skinny.

17:

Heidi Klum. Not quite sure what makes people find her so beautiful. She looks like any other blonde. She doesn't have any unique and beautiful facial attributes. She does, however, have weird eyes and an ugly nose.

16:

Jennifer Connelly. Those eyebrows must go.. Either way, her eyes look kinda dead. And she has a way too small mouth. She also looks kinda weird when she speaks. And she has a strange body language. But all in all, she looks like just another woman. And that's uglier to me than true disaster looks.

15:

Michelle Williams. I don't like her eyes. She looks like how I stereotype a Russian. I think this Russian stereotype is one of the ugliest you can come across.. Stretched eyes, plain look. Her nose also doesn't suit her face.

14:

Keri Russell.. Man, woman.. Or perhaps a troll? Everything in her face is too straight, and she doesn't do anything to seperate herself from the crowd.. Besides not brushing her hair, that is.

13:

Emma Watson. Can't stand this look. Pale with light brown hair, and a way too "natural" look. She doesn't have any natural attributes to make herself look good, either.

12:

Shannon Elizabeth. Her eyes really annoy me. And I don't like her posture/body. She just doesn't do it for me.

11:

Karolina Kurkova. Horrible body. Awful nose and eyes. She looks like how I imagine my bitter taste buds looking like.

10:

Kirsten Bell. Another person suffering from the ugly eyes & nose syndrom. With a weird forehead, and a boring look, that is. Thanks for ruining Veronica Mars (@ whoever hired her).

9:

Jennifer Garnier. So much wrong here. Teeth, lips, CHIN!, eyes, nose.. I've got to look away.

8:

Fergie. Great voice, good style concept.. But then I see her face. Thank God for paperbags. Too bad she doesn't wear on. Let's hope her face ended up looking like that, after a bad plastic surgery experience. If not, I wish her children good luck.

That piercing makes everything worse, by the way.

7:

Jennifer Aniston. Can't quite put my finger on what's wrong with her (besides the obvious: eyes, nose, lips, chin).. Either way. This isn't good. So many awesome movies ruined by her.

6:

Jessica Biel. Not sure if she really is that ugly, or if it's just the look she goes for that doesn't suit her. Either way, she's a person I try to avoid looking at for too long. 

5:

Kaley Cuoco. She looks like someone is squeezing all the blood to her head. She's about to pop, that's for sure. She reminds me a bit of a bird. Either way, thanks for ruining Charmed.

4:

Uma Thurman. *Shiver* It's hard to imagine that there's worse to come.. 

3:

Milla Jovovich. She looks like a drag queen who keeps it natural and real. If that's what (s)he is, then more power to her (him?). Those eyes are god-awful. 

Atleast it draws the attention away from her boring style.

2:

Keira Knightley. She's very good at pouting, I'll hand that to her. But the pout is a little too much sometimes, especially when you're trying to get a feel for a storyline. It turns the most serious momentum into a joke.

Either way, I don't think she looks in particular good. Her style is boring (she'd make a great model, with their standards), and her body + posture is weak (for my taste).

1:

Natalie Portman. Not gonna state that I don't see what people see in her, cause I do. The only problem is, I don't see or feel it myself. She's everything I dislike in a woman (pure looks, she seems like an admirable character IRL. And she's a great actress).

Her skin tone looks really bad with her eye & hair color, her eyebrows are too straight. Her nose looks bad, and so does her lips. She'd also make an excellent model, by the way.. She's like the queen of that look. 

Not my cup of tea. But I have no choice but to watch her movies, as she tends to pick strong ones. And she does her job very well.

Ugly Women

Here's some random ugly women.. They didn't make it to the top 20, but I still felt they were too bad looking not to be mentioned.

Random ones:

Miranda Kerr.

Clea Duvall.

Eva Mendes.

Cameron Diaz.

Kate Bosworth.

Kylie Minogue.

Madonna.

Penélope Cruz.

Katie Holmes.

Mayim Bialik.

Ashley Jensen.

Rachel McAdams.