No idea what to say to you

We used to talk at all times, about everything.. I remember I was 12, you were my world. I knew we'd always be together. I spent my whole life worrying about your well-being. You always got caught up in some dangerous situations.. You weren't ready for me, but you had me anyway. And that's fine.. You made a lot of bad calls, you were impulsive and you used me as support.
I made my own decisions for as long as I can remember. I felt I could control you. There was never any discipline, just love. And that was fine. You needed me to be a supportive friend, you had no leftovers to spare for me needing you. So I grew up earlier than I should have.. The situations you put into my life wrecked my safety bubble.. I knew early on that I wasn't immortal. I knew I could die, I knew you could die.. I knew about murder, rape, violence, blood. And that was fine, too.
It wasn't all your fault. You were weak and made a poor call having me.

But then you had her as well.. I tried to tell you not to, although who listens to a 7 year old for relationship and family advice?
I told you not to move in with him, but why listen to a 7 year old? I don't hold that against you. I was perhaps brighter than the average 7 year old, but how could you know.

After wards I was filled with hatred.. She was part of him, the guy who taught me how unsafe the world is after the world tried to teach me the world is safe, I was just unlucky, after the first one.
She would connect us to pain and fear forever, and you kept her, while I told you not to..
You could barely give me anything close to stability, how would you manage with 2 of us?
But it's okay, I don't blame you.

You've always been so kind and loving.. You've always helped people in need, put yourself entirely aside. You always bring out the best in people. You're like a saint.
So how can I hate you?
I can't.. But I am so angry with you.

I was 16, I fled my country.. I decided I didn't want to go to high school. Why did you let me?
Had a nervous breakdown, why didn't you try to push me out of it? Why let me stay in bed all day long and eat myself huge? You need to think more ahead.
And then I moved in with him.. And when I came back, it was as if I had never existed.
Ever since then all we had was broken.. You never spoke to me like before, we were like strangers.

You keep up a mask on social medias like Facebook, act like we're so close and that you love me more than anything. But behind closed doors, I hear from you so rarely. You know nothing that's been going on in my life in the past 4 years. You never ask, and you never initiate any interest in me.. With my social problems, that's enough for me to back off on this department.. And everytime I do break out, while I'm drunk, I feel so ashamed of myself the next day.
Every promise that you make has been broken.. And there are more to come. And the few times you do speak to me, you act like everything is the same.
It isn't.. You pushed me away, took her with you and left.. To be with another one of those dickheads you chose. Maybe he's not violent, but he's not been good for you either.
You tell me we'll see each other often, it's a couple of times a year. We never talk on the phone, you never ask how I'm doing in school, you never ask if there's someone special in my life, you never ask what my future will bring?
Even my father, the guy who's tore me to shreds, pulls this off better.
I respect that he atleast has some interest in me and my life. It's nice to have someone ask what you're up to once in a while.. But it seems you take out everything on her.. My kitchen breaks, after I have to pay a major bill on the car you just sold me.. She gets a new and expensive TV. I know I was never like you, and she is.. But you brought me here, how can you have no interest in knowing what I've become?

I miss the old days..  When I didn't feel like screaming my lungs out everytime you say hello.. Cause hello always leads to something uncomfortable.

I wish you'd stay away this Christmas, so I could sulk in my own misery, rather than being reminded of who you are and what I can never have again.

Hate

It's consuming me.
Times move on, but things don't get better. The same problems remain, but instead of being resolved, they're left to rot inside of me.. The sources of my problems, atleast the living ones, are making it a point to dodge all my efforts of confrontation.
Now maybe I ought to shake these sources out of my life, and leave it unresolved. But it's not an easy decision to rid yourself of your own blood.
There's guilt, there's doubt, the child in you comes forwards..
I don't know what to do.

All I know is that I'm consumed with hatred.. I have become bitter. I feel so much rage and anguish that my hands start shaking, and my brain enter a mind-numbing mode of dealing.
I'm nauseous all the time, I see disturbing images.. I want to cry, I want to shout, I want to stab, I want to punch, I want to rip to shreds.. But in the end, I lock this all up inside of me.. And I end up going nowhere.

I used to harm myself whenever I'd be filled with this kinda rage, but then one day I realized I am not the one who deserves to be harmed. I'm innocent and I'm betrayed. So instead I hold it in, because I never want to lay my hands on another.. And it's breaking me.

-You let me down.
-You disappoint me.
-You act impulsively and don't involve me in decisions that directly impact me.
-You turn your back on me when I'm in need, yet complain that I'm not sympathizing enough. Your worst sorrow in life has been your problems adapting to responsibilities and adulthood. I cannot sympathize, there's too much pain out there and yours seem so minor.
-You make promises after promises, and never keep a single one of them.. Your guilt makes you promise things you don't want to keep, and then you let me down even more.
Those were meant for people I have personal bonds with.

Now comes the ones for the less personal ones:
-You're ignorant. In a conflict, there's always a wrongdoer and a victim. You only see the side you sympathize with, and you take it as the truth.
-You roll in your arrogance, spread it around.
-You lack depth, and grieve over spilled milk, poor little rich kid.
-You're blue-eyed, but still think you know it all..

I need to get away.. I cannot stay here any longer. Your faces appear distorted, because my hatred draws forward your true face. The inner face will always arise.
How long must I isolate myself? To protect you from my wrath..... To protect myself from the pain that's inflicted.

I've never had anyone. I've been tossed around like a useless object, and abandoned by everyone who made a promise. I am unable to function on a normal level, any longer. I used to take pride upon my uniqueness, now it's become a reality I can't get away from.

I'm not sad, any longer, really... I am just wrathful, and I want retribution.
I wanna tie up all lose ends, jump on a ship and float away into a fresh beginning.

But I have no more strength. My potential is wasted, I cannot reach to the locked away wall in my mind.. And without it, I cannot overcome. So I reach no further than mediocre, because I don't have the resources you have. I never did. I try to balance a thousand balls, while you have 3, and the assistance of your whole army.
Why does the world expect me to climb the same tree with different resources? Why am I being labelled based on my skills to fly as an elephant, while you (the genius) are a bird.

Go away and leave my sight, and take with you this endless night.