W00t W00t.
It's 1.03pm on this ice cold Thursday.
I've just returned from my school. I had some Science with Physics aim today and some English. All went well. Overall, really interested in the topic we've got in Science nowadays, and English is usually a walk in the park.. Maybe not so much when I'm asked to translate, though. Something just happens in my brain when someone requests me to translate. The thing is: I don't usually learn a language by converting from a base language. I try to visualize the meaning of the words instead. It's a technique that I found rather helpful, seeing as you kinda turn the language into your own then. But yeah, that makes me weak at translating. Especially since my mother tongue is a little rusty nowadays. I rarely use it.. In fact, since I was 15-16 years of age, I've been using the language once or twice a week for 10 minutes or less. Yes, I do hear it a lot more nowadays, seeing as I'm in school. And that does improve my skills (somewhat).. But using it, myself, is a different story. I feel as unstable in Norwegian as I am with Dutch (which I also haven't been using a lot lately).
So yeah.... Need to work on that. Since one of my subjects is Norwegian, I'll probably get several of opportunities to do so.
Anyhow, something strange happened today.. Yes, I'm probably making a big deal of it and all, but I always do when it's related to the social :P
A girl in my class requested for me to sit with her today in class. I accepted, and hung out with her a bit.. Then she gives me this note with a present in it. It said something like "To my friend in English class. Have a nice day". A mascara. Tbh, comes in handy since I'm out of fresh mascaras. Felt really awkward, though. I didn't know how to react, as I haven't talked to her a lot. At the same time I don't know what all these social protocols are. I was really happy, but showing that would maybe seem a little exaggerated.. But then again, not showing it might be rude. I couldn't find a good balance there, so I sat and pondered that for the hours to follow.
A few minutes ago, I concluded that I'd send her a thank you through facebook.. With a request for her to assist me in Math. I didn't mean that in a rude way, but she offered - and I felt the thank you came out a bit cheesy if it was all by itself. Tbh, I'd rather not get any help in Math. I hate bothering people with my issues, at the same time I like to be alone - or I don't dare to be with others.. Not sure of which one it is, really.
Anyhow I'm not sure if that's a signal that she wants to be my friend? And if it is, how do I respond in a casual and normal way? My socializing nature has been severely damaged (if it was ever there), so I don't know how to do these kinda things.. Should I say hello, or am I too needy then? Can I ask to sit with her in class, or will that be too inconvenient? I'm really uncertain about everything social.
I'm not even sure what I want..
One thing's for sure.. I'm socially deprived, and therefore I tend to make a bigger deal out of things. And yes, I end up obsessing - and therefore I chose not to bother; since it drains me of time and energy. Somehow an evil circle.. I just wish I could turn things around.
Confusing, confusing..
Wish there was a good book to read about social protocols.

Bitterness and anguish. Nothing can ever move forward, without taking a major leap backwards. No matter how I try to look at things, it's always the same. The same bad things keep repeating themselves over and over again, while I have yet to see any of those supposedly positive things happening.
To some degree, my luck is in my hands right?
But not entirely, really. Yes, I can control how I prioritize my means and how I spend my time. I haven't given up yet, and I'm not planning to any time soon.
But there's a massive headache going on.
I'm not on the same side as the others. Never have, never will be.
It's like I have some serious bad luck spree hanging over my head, following me from east to west, left to right, alfa to omega.
Been waiting for over 3 years for something good to happen. Some bright and shiny thing that could make me smile. But instead the only good things I can provide for are the material goods. I can provide myself with nutritions, I can keep myself warm at night, I can buy myself the goods I want, I can keep my head above the ground, and I can work for my future. But not entirely that either.
I'm unemployed. I'm born with a mental defection that evolved due to poor judgement by my parents and general unidealistic situations to raise a child in. I'm receiving benefits while working towards my high school degree (that I never had).
It's tempting to put all this responsibility onto someone else. Why did my mom let me flee my country, rather than getting a stable education? Why did she never ask me to do anything for myself? Why didn't anyone teach me how to pick up my own slack? But it's also my own fault. Cause I made the decisions I made, I am not trapped by my mother and father's poor decision making skills.
I was a test subject, sure. A failed one as well. But once I realized, I should have been able to clean up my own mess.. But I just can't. I'm too busy hating the world, hating humanity, being disgusted by myself and all others, wanting more, feeling envious of everyone else.
I'm digging my own grave, yet I feel as if I don't have any strength to get out and up. I don't feel like there's anything I can do. I'm bad at most things, and the few things I'm decent at - I'm actually just pretty average (if not less) at.
23 years old, and never had a chance to live.
Born into an unstable situation of domestic violence and other negative things. 6 years of age, we shook of that guy, only for my mother to find another one - and domestic violence, here we come again. Add some alcohol and drugs, and we're there.
Then I lost my mind. Struggled with hallusinations and panic attacks my whole childhood. Never had the will to socialize, as I knew I was too different to make a friend.. So I isolated myself.
By the time I was 15, I just wanted a fresh start.
So I left my country, all by myself..
I lost some weight and started putting my life together. I had a few happy years there. 3, to be specific.
But then my hallusinations come back, and I'm incapable of functioning.
After that I've been more or less handicapped. I barely manage to carry my disgusting lump of a body out of my doorstep. I barely manage to do anything. I just wait for the time to pass, and dream about things that can never happen to me.
I have no one. Everyone left me (family and relatives). I don't talk to anyone, I have never had a friend, I keep up this fake bond between my mother and sister once in a while, but in reality they don't care. My mother dumped me off as soon as she thought I got in the way. She must have figured I'd never be normal, so she had to make sure I'd stay out of her way. I don't blame her, it's natural to get rid of negativity. I just wish she had never created me to begin with. Cause I can't carry my own weight. There's nothing in the whole world that can keep me together. I'm bad at everything, so even if I do everything right, I'm pretty sure I can't even graduate high school. My big dream is to attend an university, and to be able to leave this country once and for all. Have a true fresh start. But this is a big if.. Cause I already have huge issues just attending school, as it requires me to leave my bubble. I feel like my brain is constantly tired, and I just wanna go away.. Silence, darkness.. atlast.
But barriers are everywhere. I can never economically be stable. Things break all around me, preferably they chose to do it all at once - just so it'll be extra painful and impossible to fix.
Sometimes I wish I had someone to open up to. A friend. Someone who could make me love myself, or even them. Restore some faith in humanity, even.. Cause as of now, I see you all (and me included) as stinking, disgusting, selfish, cold, cynical, evil, sexual beasts who make me gag. There is no good in anyone.

But.. maybe I just don't fit in this world. I'm sorry for taking up a spot and draining resources. I'm too big of a pussy to face the unknown.