Clenching to pain.

So.. In my previous blog entry, it came out how everything seems to be falling into it's right place. Things are going to be allright, it seems.
I went a little "nuts" the past days due to this.. I spent quite an amount of money on things I normally wouldn't. Mostly in the shape of alcoholic drinks, actually. I must have spent one thousand NOK on it this once night, and I partied the following night with a sixpack of ciders.. Adding another 200-300ish NOK to my bill of guilt.
I'm not sure why I'm making such a big deal out of this, but apparently I am.
Money shouldn't be of an issue right now, but I feel beaten down with guilt.
I had my fun, I won't repeat it.. I wish this would be enough to soothe my mind.
But apparently it isn't.
And I've been feeling rather down today..
It's not only that, I suppose it's also social issues (again).. I am not sure if there's an actual issue, as I tend to purposely block out drunken memories.
The thing is, I never tell the entire truth.. And sometimes when drunk, the truths can get a bit mixed up together and turn into lies.
And if you share that with the wrong people, things might add up to seem like a bigger deal than it actually is.
I just hope this can be overlooked.
I won't waste any more cash, I'll only buy necessary things.. I suppose I deserved to celebrate after a rough 6 months :|
I've stacked up on soaps, shampoos, tooth pastes etc.. Bought some makeup I was out of, bought myself a new perfume, and changed a character + migrated a friend's character.
I'm considering buying some waterproof winter shoes, as there's major sales going on atm..
Maybe some other half-necessary items like this..
We'll see.
And the rest shall be kept in a DVD box as savings.. For worse times or potentially a rewarding summer vacation to either Scotland or Runde (near Ålesund), depending on how the economy is going to look.

I just feel like my life is spinning somewhat out of control.. I always go with the flow, but the flow has increased it's speed by 300% and before I have a chance to realize what happens, something new happens.. I barely have a chance to consider my decisions anymore.

I hope for a calm weekend.. No social commitments. I hope this whole week will be calm socially, really.
I'm once again uncertain of whether or not I wish to have friends.
I know one thing though.. I've evolved friendly feelings for someone, and it's really confusing.
I care how she feels :| I enjoy her company ALOT.. And I consider it a distraction, as well as it's rather confusing for my general beliefs..
You're always stronger solo, social only adds distractions, unity means weakness of the one etc..
But who knows, maybe I'd feel a little more emotional about the social if I hadn't gotten any "friends".. I mean, I could always excuse myself of never going out - hence not having friends - if I was having a moment of emotional confusion related to this.. But being in school, I could not use this excuse, so it might have harmed my self-esteem slightly more.

Anyway..
It seems I have resolved the social issues that made me feel bad about a week ago.. No, we're not besties, running alongside the streets, hand in hand, shouting BFF lines.. However, I did send her an apology, and it seems to be accepted.
Now that's enough - I suppose..

Major deja vu right now, btw.

The first "party" was more me and a girl going out.. I bought some drinks for us both, and I abandoned her as she started crying -.-
Bad call, I know, but I hate drunken drama and when I'm drunk myself I act more on impulses.
I ended up following 2 guys at home.. They seemed nice, really, and we had some common friends (:
We tried playing some magic the gathering, but I was too drunk to remember how it worked.
Afterwards the other guy played some Super Mario, while we all watched.
Eventually I went home and slept.

The following day I managed to get ready a little more on time than I had expected.. I had a party to attend, and I was hungover.
Kenneth was joining too.
And we had decided to pick up the girl I partied with the previous night.
Somewhere along the road, I managed to get a bit territorial and anti-social, so I decided to grab some food and drop those 2 off at the party location.
Then Matt drove off to search for a gas station or a supermarket..
I was very excited about having burned 2 new CD's, so I also wanted to enjoy some music while hydrating myself and putting on make-up.
We found a gas station, but I didn't trust the guy behind the counter (I am paranoid, especially when hungover). So we went to a Rimi shop instead.
I bought some "kjøttkaker" from the prepared food section, and a couple of "rundstykke".. I also bought some baby food, mellers candy, mentos candy and a couple of cokes.. This mostly to have something to chose between, although I did end up with the kjøttkaker + rundstyke :P
Then we drove a bit off, and I got a mini panic attack..
Eventually I calmed myself down, and put on make-up.
And then he drove me to the party..
Apparently I recalled the wrong house, so I opened the neighbor's door and realized it was the wrong place.. So I walked a bit further, and found her house.
I entered, but saw there was ALOT more people than I expected.. so I make sure to lock myself in the bathroom to breath, before entering and saying hi.
The party host - the girl I freak myself out with caring for - ensured my comfort.. She gave me a good chair, right next to her.
I sat shyly, and drank some water..
There was this guy there who REALLY caught my attention.. I mean, I still have feelings for "youknowwho", but this guy became a close second.
But as he shared the name with a crush of my "friend", I decided not to allow this.
I subtlely ask if that's the one she had feelings for, though, and it wasn't..
So as everyone went out to smoke, I made sure to stay in.. As he did too, along with another girl.
He made sure to introduce himself to me, and keep up a conversation.
He seemed really plain and boring, but also nice.
So, basically.. He made my night a little more enjoyable.
He's obviously way out of my league, but I had some eye candy to keep me going..
Eventually - as getting drunk turned out to be a slow process (thanks hangover + food) I decided to open up my laptop.. I joined a LFR with Narcosis.
Made sure to fit smokebreaks whenever he had them, and once he told me to come sit next to him - so ofc I did.. Seemed another girl there liked him, though, so she made sure to grab his attention. This is just a speculation though, can't confirm it beyond my observations.
Eventually Kenneth and "insert name" decided to head off to the city.. I said I'd follow but with a car - due to me having brought alot of equipment (laptop, speakers and alcohol).
I didn't though..
Mostly cause I found this eye candy too strong. But also cause I wanted to get to know someone from my social studies class better, and she had not arrived.
I also hate going to the city, and prefer houseparties.
I suppose I offended Kenneth and "insert name", but nothing is confirmed, and I have spoken to them since.
Anyway.. As the night kept going on, I made sure to stare at my eye candy and talk to him whenever possible. And besides that play some WoW and stay on FB a bit.
It was a decent night, but as eye candy and others took off to have their own afterparty, I decided to ask Matt to pick me up.
So he did..
I went home, showered, and fell asleep.
As my memory is clouded, I surely hope I didn't screw anything up..
I was also glad to have a temporar eye candy, and I hope there will be more.. Cause parties can be boring without that tension IMO -.- I guess I party for the wrong reasons, sometimes.

The following day - aka yesterday - I had a pretty badass hangover.. Wasn't feeling too emotionally bad until later on (that always happens though).
I watched some dog whispered and Jaws 3 and Open Water.. Then I googled lots of shark facts, and read some random Wikipedia entries about other scientific things I was into.
I didn't fall asleep until between 9-10 AM.
So naturally I woke up really late today.
Approx around 15.30 the first time, but I kept on sleeping til 17.30 or so..
I hope to be able to go to bed within a reasonable hour, since I have school tomorrow.
I have read through some schoolwork as well, and I suppose I intend to read through some more. The raid got cancelled, which gave me a lovely option to catch a bit up.

Well that's all for now.
I am pretty sure I'll appreciate this blog as time goes on.. I make sure to add as many details as I dare to (just incase someone would ever find it. Apparently googling my email adress allows this, but I really doubt anyone will).
It's nice to record events as I evolve as a person etc :P

Well, over & out.

Changes.

As I returned to Norway 4 years ago, I thought my life was forever doomed.. Shaky and weakened from my new found disorder, I'd given up all faith.. Yet, my nerves wouldn't allow me to reflect on anything else than my fears. 

Things remained calm and it seemed I was stuck in a loophole that belong to the underworld (of pain) only.

4 years, and nothing improved..

And then 2012 strikes.

Alot of promising changes were predicted as I finally got the help I needed.. I've been given the chance to finnish high school level education, so that I can attend a university.

I expected it to be hard, but so far it's a pure joy. Yes, I have my moments of issues (I have not been able to solve my sleep issues yet), but overall it's a nice experience. I appreciate working for something, I appreciate being able to fix my faults.. And most of all, I love learning new things :)

So maybe I sometimes attend as knocked out and tired as I possibly can be.. And that does make me a little less motivated. But overall, I'm enthusiastic. And I'm learning alot.. I found a love for one of my major subject of hatred; history.. If I view it as a fascinating story - as well as a past far more fulfilling than our present :P The negatives of being evolved beyong average - it's very interesting.. The timeline of humanity has it's glorious moments that I enjoy hearing about.. I might be an idiot when it comes to details, but I'm hoping the overall picture will carry me beyond the grade I first expected: barely pass :P

But socially it's been a much greater challenge than I expected.. The first day, I met no one.. However, the second day, 3 new people approached. These people are still in my life.

Generally I didn't want the distraction.. Still not sure if I do, it varies alot.. Sometimes it's nice not to keep everything to myself, and to also be able to share issues and gain wisdom from other people's thoughts. Sometimes it's simply nice to have someone to get drunk with, rather than drinking solo infront of the PC - or with the company of 2 distance friends of mine. 

But there has been ALOT of negative sides to the social, and I'm pretty sure I'd have backed out by now, if I wasn't so avoidant of conflicts.

But as much as I hate to admit it.. I like having friends a bit.. I've always wished to go through life more or less solo. Independence is how I gain my pride, and being alone leaves people wondering who I am.. Rather than them knowing. I'm ashamed of myself, therefore I feel more comfortable being a mystery, or even invisible. It's atleast better than my own impresion of myself.

And to be honest, last weekend was a tough one.. But also I gained some clarity. I used my emotions in a place I never have before: socially. 

Thing is.. I attended a preparty arranged by one of those 3 "friends" I mentioned. I wanted to get to know some people in my Gym class, and she knew them and had invited them.

But while I was there, I was more or less exluded. The person I arrived with got very along with a guy. The host of the party did try to include me, but I felt it was more a pity thing, as well as I didn't wanna force anything. At that point I wasn't even sure if I liked her, but I later discovered she is a really good person. Maybe she isn't the brightest sheep of the flock, but she's got a really kind spirit.. And I appreciate that.

Usually kindness was the last thing I cared about, but it's always different standing on the outside and looking in. Either way, there were 4 souls who seemed to have a problem with me. One of them seemed curious of me and somewhat kind towards me in the beginning. Later on I kinda rejected it due to my mood. But as I have attempted to add him on FB, he has not accepted it; while he did accept the others, so I'm assuming I left a negative impression there too.

2 people though.. A guy and a girl, seemed to have a problem with me. I'm not sure why or even how it happened. I was actually trying to get to know the girl, and she seemed to want to get to know me too.. But at some point her male friend decided to dislike me, and it seems she did too.

The fourth guy is close with them. We got halfway along the few times he spoke to me, and he did not decline my FB accept. But he also overall seems left with a negative impression, and I don't know what I did wrong in any of these cases.

It seems people just naturally dislike me 90% of the time. The other 10% is pity, really. There's probably a deeper explanation, and I hope time will show me.

It does hurt to have my fears come true though. I've been avoiding social contact with the norwegian breed since I was 15. And now it's all happening again. I wish I knew why. I could live with it in that case.. and if I couldn't, atleast I could improve.

Why don't people tell me why they dislike me? I usually tell people if I do.. And no, I haven't done that to these guys (as I don't dislike them), so I don't think it's me being "brutally honest".

Today I also had a meeting with someone from a weight loss program. Most of it is pretty bullshit, sure thing.. Less calories equals weight loss. But I did end up buying one of their protein shakes and a metabolism tea.

Mostly because I am badass lazy, and end up eating too little (nothing or cokes + energy drinks) and then a huge dinner.. Now I have a way to get myself some nutritions without much effort.

And it might be a nice kickstart to my diet, although I don't intend to continue with these products.

I just want to start, and then find my motivation. Maybe occasionally buy some protein shakes, as I love living off those on the side. Preferably I'd only eat one meal per day :P And now I can without screwing my metabolism entirely.

I also scanned myself. Apparently I've got a very unhealthy amount of fat, but also an extreme muscle mass. That means I have a pretty high BMR for an average girl. I had no idea I had any at all (so to speak :P ) so these news excited me. My stomach fat was also within a healthy limit, but still should be lower considering my age.. However my health age was damn high. I hope I can get it down.

My bone structure was also rather unusually powerful.. I suppose I'll never be small <.<

Well, I now have plenty of tools (also a measuring tape, I got for free yay :D lolz) to make this happen.. So I hope 2012 will be the year I get myself together.

In a year, I could be alot more happy and confident if I do..

All I need is some weight loss to feel entirely happy with my life. Well, atleast entirely not depressed :P And no, I'm not emo - but the weight thing does hurt me alot. It hurts my ability to love myself amongst others, and it makes me want to hide from the world.

Vanity is a strong side in me, so it's not doing me any good.

So my plan for now is to have one or two of these protein shakes per day and a balanced dinner.

This should be a nice increase to my metabolism, atleast after a while.

On the side of this, I'm intending to drink this metabolism/cleansing tea and see if it's any good.. If it is, I intend to buy the cheaper version that my mom usually drinks - and having a cup of it every morning or so..

Warm drinks make my mornings so much easier.

The money situation is also looking up.. But at the expense of something else.

I had my roommate ask for his vacation money at an early date. That way we can afford fixing the car, and paying the necessary expenses - without having to build the economy up for another half year.

We can solve it again now, and thank God for that.. It's been hell ever since October.

And yes, we have a common economy when it comes to these kinda expenses.

So for the first time since October, I can breath out :D

I'll deal with my social issues.. In worst case, I'll end up changing number and always wear sunglasses + headphones (music) when in school - not in classes :P

And the rest I hope will work itself out.

Romantically.. I think it calls for a pause until I get my shit together. But don't think you're off the hook just yet. I know I want you. I just don't want to approach you with this much luggage.

But I'll stay in the shadows if I have a chance to see you again.

It seems situations are putting that on hold anyway.. So I have some time to make some gradual improvements. Maybe I'll be a different person the next time we meet.

I surely hope so, cause I won't be able to forget.

And now the final topic I need to vent.

It's no biggy at this moment, but it has been a "biggy" before..

I have this wonderful female friend. I met her through my favorite game; World of Warcraft 2 years-ish ago. Lately we've grown closer, and I do appreciate it.

But sometimes I feel like I'm more her shoulder to cry on, and that I don't matter.

She's very self-absorbed when she drinks, that might be why. Unless I'm glorifying her, It seems there's a very low interest for me participating.. She's got a certain "fanboy" who joins these sessions too, so obviously he only wants that too.

Sometimes it makes me feel really alone. But overall, I have the time of my life when we do this, so I can't complain too much.

I have grown to love her alot.. She's someone I intend to keep around forever, no matter what my future holds.

I hope this "wish" comes true.

Over and out.

Wisdom.

So.. Today I feel a little wiser, but also strung out.
It was the first day of school, and I felt extremely tense and worried.
I had my first class at 12.10, which is really early for me.. But due to my dayrythm, I hadn't slept more than 4-5 hours of bad sleep. Woke up at 8, feeling wide awake.
But a good amount of time in the morning never hurts.
I got to shower, eat slowly, drink something (not water though, due to time and money issues :< )
and then I did 3 BG's, I believe.
School was scary on the social aspect of things. I tried not to stare at anyone and avoid eye contact, once it happened, and some girl smiled to me.. I had the weirdest return smile, then I looked away -.- I feel so awkward being "social" while sober.
Learned a bit.. Took some great notes, and had a relatively interesting time.
The commitment, dayrythm and social anxiety is going to complicated this for me, but I hope it goes well. I do wanna learn and I'll enjoy it alot if I can.
I feel emotional, but I try to seek comfort in those little things..
Nitro, PVP, Cecilia & Sami, My iPhone, Good movies, The future etc..
I just hope I won't have too many problems.. Like the car breaks being fucked, hope it won't be too pricy. I'll have to find a way to make it work.. Smoke less maybe, spend less on food definately. No more meat except taco night which can be Friday or Saturday.
Noodles for hangover nights.
Stick to pizza, "brokkoli grateng", Springrolls w/ rice & wok, Onion soup, Occasional pasta dish etc.
It can be cheap, healthy and filling. I need to get back on my diet as soon as the money rolls in.. Today I feel so unhealthy, all I have been eating is oversalted noodles with tabasco lately :P
I did grab an apple, but only 2 left, so I wanna save them for school situations, where I'll need it.

WISHLIST:
-That I get economical assistance for school books.. Kinda awkward and impractical being without.
-That the car problems won't be too expensive.
-That the economy issues calm down.
-That I am able to afford winter tires, the oil leak fix and all my bills. I believe economical worries will really sabotage my already big issues with the commitment of social anxiety and bad sleep patterns (school).
-To be able to afford eating healthy again.
-That I manage to pay back Kenneth & Cecilia without jepordizing my economical situation.
-To afford bringing water to school - since I have those tap water problems -.-
-That my mom truly does shapen up and does as she's supposed to.. It's like she's a totally different person when she's with him. I liked her more while she lived with my alcoholic aunt. -.-

All the things I know right now
If I only knew back then
There's no gettin' over
No gettin over'
There's just no getting over you.
Wish I could spin my world into reverse, just to have you back again
There's no getting over
There's no gettin over
There's just no getting over you.


<.<

Told myself I'd let it go.. For a while.. Maybe while improving myself, and letting your hatred for me chill out.. But I don't think I can. So I guess I just have to gradually improve, and stay on distance. Who knows, maybe you'll offer me a chance to show what I'm worth at another time. 

Goodbye Christmas, Hello New Year.

Some time has passed.
Alot has happened.. First of all, I managed to connect with an old friend.. So we're more friends now than we were.. Making me a little less forever alone :P
We went Christmas shopping together, to a gig together and we might be heading over to Denmark before New Years, for cheaper alcohol and smokes.
After getting to know him a little better in sober condition, I realized he is a really nice guy. This surprises me.. I have a very cynical and cold view of the world, and it just makes me question how someone can be so kind without any bad intentions? He's been a friend of my family for years, and he's always been of much help. Without ever asking for anything in return? How is that possible? o.O
I feel like I'm slowly recovering.. I no longer (always, atleast) feel like someone is behind me with a gun, ready to shoot, as I walk down the streets. I manage to socialize slightly more in WoW. I even got promoted to officer within 2 weeks.. As my old friend said, it's probably a "pass the burden" kinda thing.. But still, I wanna make the most out of it :) Try to gear up some fellow players, and gain some self-esteem amongst norwegians. My old friend and I have seperated though.. He changed a lot, and turned rather cold and cynical. Not sure if it's only towards me, or not.. But I can't handle inbetweens, so I do cut things off then. I need more time, energy and effort in other places, and if I don't cut the "lines", then I'll waste energy in places that are stuck.
My mom was also here, and we finally had a chance to talk.. Talk about how I felt abandoned, talk about how I can't handle the inbetweens within this relationship as well.. We drew the conclusion that she's going to attempt moving closer to me again. I don't know if I can trust her, she's let me down alot lately.. But I sure as hell hope so, cause she reminded me of a warm and safe place that I had forgotten about.. A feeling of not being entirely alone and having roots and a home someplace.. A feeling of always being worthy somewhere, and being able to connect to my true self. I hope she returns to me, cause I miss her and my sister alot.. It's been a sore point, and I've been really depressed and angry about it for so long.
I had a really nice Christmas, we borrowed the appartment of this friend of mine who I reconnected with.. I have about 20 squaremetres of space, so for 4 people and a dog, that was not ideal.. Also my kitchen has some electrical issues, so I can only heat up one pan at the time or the whole electricitiy dies.. And with everyone on Christmas vacation in this building, that would mean no one to turn it on again :P
That was a tough one, btw.. The day before my mom was supposed to arrive, the electricity all of a sudden died on me.. I stayed 24 hours without any light, heat, food or entertainment and had plenty of people coming in and out of this appartment, trying to solve the problem.. 2 of those people were the sons of the guy who I thought was my houseowner.. Turned out one of the kids were the true owner of this place :P His brother was really attractive, btw. Looked like a blonde Dave.
I was in a lot of mental pain those 24 hours, but it gave me some time to think.
Nitro also got sick on Christmas eve, and thoughout the whole Sunday after.. I was extremely worried, as I had watched Marley & Me not too long ago, and Nitro was having a stomach problem as well. I cried and went all emo :P He was healthy again by the following date's night..
Christmas was cosy, btw.. Woke up to see CZ or w/e Cinderella, Reisen til Julestjernen, Disney.. Watched a bit of church show, as my mom and sis were late to pick me up for church.. They had been off cooking, decorating and fixing the tree at this guy's place. Was embarrasing to arrive late, we had to sit upstairs.. It freaked me a bit out, as the construction looked weak, and there were some areas who had red "gtfo" ribbons.. I had to struggle a bit against my panic attack there, but eventually it calmed down.. Couldn't see much.. Girl infront of me looked like Vanessa Hudgens, btw.. Really hot :P
After wards we went to this guy's appartment.. Me and my sis hung out there, while my mom finnished cooking.. Then we ate, while listening to "Sølvguttene" (my grandfather's fav Christmas music, he also sang with them when he was young).. Afterwards, I manned myself up to open presents (I'm always afraid of that.. Incase I hurt someone or get disappointed or whatever). Got lots of flashy stuff.. Saved some presents I was freaked about, 'til last.. When the package opening session was over, even.. After a while we ate dessert.. Well not me, I was full. We watched some "The Small One" and talked.. My sister fell asleep.. Eventually we just headed home to me. Then Nitro got sick :(
The following day (Sunday), I also attended a gig in Arendal again. Brought my friend whom I recently reconnected with, and my mother drove us.. We hung a lot in the car, as I had brought beers to save some ka-ching :P It was nice, but he got very drunk. Guards told me to watch out for him. I also passed out due to boredom for a while. Mostly locked myself in the bathroom to get away from too drunk friend <.< He was a little too clenchy, and I wasn't sober enough to be a mom :P He went out to my mom and complained about me being gone too long, so ofc my mom worried and went inside.. She found me in the bathroom, that was GG. I saw my "object of obsession". He was being rejective and uninterested as always. Wish I knew what to work on.. Is it my appearance of personality? I know I act foolish when I'm nervous and drunk, but I don't know if it's enough to put him off. I doubt he's a bad person, but who knows.. I feel as if it's my appearance. I'm currently overweight, and it's killing me.. I have some digestion problems, slowling down my weight loss, as well as my metabolism overall is really low.. But not extremely low.. I can pass off eating 2000 calories a day without gaining weight, long term.. But eating 1200 for a few weeks often doesn't do anything. I find that strange.. But I'm still trying, and I hope one day to be attractive again. I'm attractive if it wasn't for the weight problem. I have a nice face and generally nice body when I'm within a healthy weight.. I used to be able to get any guy I wanted. I was also very confident, I lack that now.
I hope to get this under my control.. I don't have a good enough "ugly girl" personality. I'm cynical, dramatic, emotional, lack empathy, seek attention, I'm judgemental and I haven't done a lot of good. So I'm nothing impressive without my looks. I wish there was a book on how to change your personality.. I mean, I know I'm a lunatic, I've been a mental health issue my whole life. This all turned my heart to ice, so to speak, and I don't know how to change myself.. I am not even sure I want to? I like being me. But it sure puts people off.. Atleast when I'm fat.. Shows how shallow the world really is :P I can be a total jerk as long as I look good, but when I try to pretend I'm nice - but I'm fat - I get zero response. And I was a bigger jerk when I was good looking.. So it's quite the difference.. Probably cause I was younger, and really angry at the world - though.
Besides all this I am heading off to school.. I think Thursday, the 5th of January, but I'm not entirely sure. Don't have my schoolbooks yet, as I can't afford them - and need to apply for ecnomical assistance for it.
I'm conflicted between going law or psychology for the future.. But either way, I gotta complete this first anyway.
Although I find psychology way more interesting, I think I see more of a work future within law. It's more my type of work.. While psychology's highlight would be the studies, not the work afterwards.

Here's a list of gifts I got for Christmas, btw.
-WoW Cataclysm mouse (roommate)
-Playboy zippo-looking (fake) lighter (roommate)
-Lunchbox with disney princess :P (roommate)
-WoW Gamecard (recon friend)
-A pink wand <.< (recon friend)
-A perfume+bodylotion set + lots of ear rings + 2 sunglasses from ME :D
-2 ear rings from my aunt, whom I didn't know I had anything to do with anymore o.O Surprisingly nice present.
-Some housewife stuff from my mom. She said herself it wasn't a real present :P Just something she wanted me to have.
-Underpants, bra, slippers and hair decoration from my mom.
-A dog lamp.. USB + battery <.< (aunt + kids)
-A jacket + my fav perfume from roommate's family.
-Nailpolish and eyeshadow from my  mom.
That's all I can remember, atleast.. <.<
Anyway..
I guess I'm done for now..
I wish he'd give me a chance.
(Here's a pic of the lovely Christmas tree my mother and sister fixed for me :P)
-.-

Hangover.

So today I've got a hangover.. I went to a gig in Arendal last night. That is about an hour from where I live.. I brought my dog and got Matt to drive me, as always.
It was a nice ride there, loud music and Nitro was cute :P As he always is, especially in the car.
Didn't have a chance to get too drunk, due to wasting a bit time.. Realized I forgot the ticket at home, on our way there, so we had to turn and get it.
Went in, saw the gig I was there for.. Had 2 beers. Some people recognized me from some afterparty I had been to a couple of months back. I honestly can't recall ever having seen their faces before, but ok.. One guy claimed we had made out, now I'd definately remember that -.- I hope, atleast.. But if it happened, I'm sure I'm much better of forgetting :P
Went with this guy and some others to another location.. Stayed there, mostly in the bathroom, but also watched another band play. Then - as it closed off - I went home.
Apparently I gave this dude my phone number, gg.. I was pretty clear to state I'm not interested, but he claimed to be "j/k" after I said that, so I don't know. Haven't heard from him since atleast.
Also bugged my guild members drunkenly :P Now they all know me, before none of them did.
<.<
Also ate a decent pizza that I left out to become super cold this morning o.O It must have stayed for 2 hours or so before I ate it. Not awesome, but when you're drunk you don't really give a fuck, right?

Woke up today around 2.. I had this awesome dream.. My body was in water.. A swimming pool or ocean of some kind. It felt refreshing. I woke up, and felt bad about not being able to be in water anymore.. I do love water, but I think my dream was just trying to tell me how warm and thirsty I feel :) because I did.. So I drank a couple of ice cold canned cokes, and moved on.. Couldn't handle breakfast. Ate half my dinner today.. Totally got no apetite.
I feel a bit crappy, it's a hangover thing - but only if I socialize really. I guess I feel ashamed and worried I said something bad. I don't think I did, as I had more control over myself than I do normally. I hadn't had that much to drink, so.
Saw my reason for going there.. But only barely. The reason looked good off, I guess.. The reason being a person I'm secretly more fond of than I like to admit. Don't think I stand a chance anyway, so I'll leave it at that right now.
Now my one and only female friend is mad at me.. She's only online, but I let her down apparently.. I was supposed to PVP with her in WoW, but I do not recall this promise, due to drinking myself wasted on my way home, yesterday. And now she's going on about how I can't be counted on. I didn't mean to letk her down, I'm sorry? I wouldn't have, if I had remembered :|
So long, blog - anyway.. Gotta resolve this ^^

Cinema.

Went there.. The movie was pretty okay. I'm not a very visual person, so I was glad to see a movie with more dialog than the visual. However, it did include too much sex fixation for me. I'm very bored of sexuality by now. It's everywhere, and it's shameful if you ask me.. Sex is supposed to be a private and intimate experience. Much like taking a shit.. Now, I don't really want to see people pooping all over the place. Nor do I want to see people exchange body fluids and act animalistic and digusting.
Either way, Keira Knightly was a little bit lol in the role. There's just something about her, can't take her serious in any of her roles. And she's everything I dislike in a woman. Viggo Mortensen surprised me. I disliked him every since Lord of the Rings (can anyone say overrated?). He did a really good job as Freud, I'd even say he made the movie twice as pleasant to watch.
I had a good time, no one drugged me or tried to murder me :P I sat infront, and these seats were comfort seats. Not many people were there either.. Ate a bit popcorn and baconcrisps and this strawberry "snøre" that I love :P It did end with my car getting a ticket though. <.< 500 NOK inc. Tough luck :D