But maybe things are turning around.
This past year a lot of good things has happened for me.. I woke up one day with a totally new mindset, and I changed my ways greatly. I picked myself up and learned to respect myself and present myself in a way I could feel proud of. But this also attracted me to a relationship.. A relationship that was oh so poisonous to me. He was a truly great guy, and I loved him dearly. I thought he was the love of my life. But he was also a weak guy, and aimed to please everyone - at the expense of himself and maybe those who stand him the closest. To make a long story short, there was another girl, and I kept at it for a long time; being the other woman. This lead me to feel like my worth had been diminished, and eventually I was broken down into a thousand pieces. I felt like if I couldn't even be proud of my morality, then what could I be proud of? I felt like I deserved to be in that position I was in.. Which in some way I did. But I was weak for him, it was never a choice for me. I just had no idea how to get out.
By the time I did get out, very recently, things have been looking up.. But also down.
I met another guy, and I doubted him greatly. I was so scared of history repeating itself in some way that I failed to accept the good thing right in front of me.
I drove myself insane, constantly overwhelmed with things like despair, panic, paranoia, nausea, dizziness, emotional outbursts and so forth. I started drinking the pain away, which only enhanced it and gave me more reasons to worry, in the end.
But today I realized that maybe a good thing just happened to me, and maybe I'm well on my way to pushing it away before it even serves its purpose. An epiphany, in a sense. I realize that I have no right to project my own despair and terror from the past onto a completely innocent and great human being. To love is to be vulnerable, and I must take this chance.
Because I am in love. And it feels good.
<3
