Woop

Time passes and things change; problems previously found within are now to be found elsewhere. Coping is a magical art, and once you master it your real life may begin.

You seemed so promising, though. Too good to be true. After I found out, a rage started building up within.. After the calamity, my attitude was forced to change. Fake smiles and a swelling bitterness. You're toxic.

OoOoOo

Meh..
New week, new responsibilities. I'm facing my third semester, and it's going alright. I have quit World of Warcraft (for a while) in order to focus 100% on my studies.. But I still cannot seem to keep myself entirely under control. So far I've not missed out on too much, and I'm halfway through the semester. But each time I have been gone there's been the more mental reasons behind it, rather than physical. I do suffer from quite a lot of different crap, and it makes me sometimes unable to function regularly outside my appartment.. Well, it's also a bit self-protection. When I fall, if I do go out, I have a tendency to fall even further and harder - and that often leads to more "skipping". Another thing is my hallusinations and panic attacks. They also make me not want to attend. Nothing more embarrasing than losing it infront of lots of people I consider my enemies (Me against the world attitude...)
Anyhow, today I woke up with a strong physical issue. A strong ache in my stomach, eventually leading to me vomiting. So I had to stay at home.. And I don't like to stay at home when my brain was ready to go and even looking forward to it. Now I gain additional burdens and guilt, and only because my body wouldn't function. I did not plan for this, and I do not know how to make up for this kinda guilt easily - without messing up even more stuff in my life.

I am not whining though, I am very content now for the first time in many years. Despite my panic disorder and constant sadness / heavy feeling / emptyness - I feel like there's hope. And that keeps me going and keeps me sane.
I just hope I will do fine during my 10 exams this spring, so I can enter my last year with ease.. But I am not sure how able I am. I have missed out on 2 classes in the subject I find the hardest. This is a shame... I am not sure reading alone will make up for this, so all I can do is hope that I wont get those topics for my exam.

Alright. That's it.. Need to try to let some stuff out once in a while, rather than letting it bottle up inside me..