There are several things influencing me at all times.. I somehow got it in my head that cigarettes were (for example) what makes me so easily depressed.. But I've been clean for about a month now, and I still have frequent falls that have nothing to do with my self-loath for smoking.
All in all, I'm pleased with not smoking any longer and I never intend to change that. I have gotten rid of a couple of problems that came hand in hand with cigarettes..
But there are more.
I honestly have no clue what makes the depression sneak upon me so frequently. I go through a 2-3 day depression spree on a weekly basis, and never without an apparent reason.
I just can't get out of bed, my head feels heavy, my heart empty, my brain reduced.. I feel like some form of zombie incapable of feeling emotions. Or atleast, incapable of feeling most emotions. Cause there's this faint feeling of sorrow at all times, but I don't understand where it's coming from.
Sometimes I know why.. Sometimes it's just cause nothing "clicks" with my brain. This world was designed by people who decided to exclude my kind. Nothing is done the way I feel natural and comfortable with, and I keep having to make major gestures to adapt - which drains and wounds me.
I can escape it all, though.. Maybe more than most. I have a "general pardon" caused by my discovered mental disorder (I suspect there are a few undiscovered ones as well, since I carry too many problems for this one) so no one expects much from me. I impress while I personally feel disappointed in myself.
Not that I have much human contact though. I feel it's too messy. Nothing "clicks" there at all, and it only adds complications.
But escaping isn't enough... I want more. I want to live a fulfilling life. I want to fall in love, feel pride, feel accomplishments. I want to be in control, I want to see myself evolve.. I'm sick of this one step forward, two steps back kinda life I am forced to live. Unless someone carries me, I never make it anywhere.
I can't be carried forever, and I most definately can't keep failing.
I'm 23 now.. My birthday has just passed.. 23 and I've accomplished nothing. I'm not even close to the end of my education, nor am I doing in particular impressive. I have no friends. I don't keep in touch with family or realtives. I don't have a driver's lisence. I don't have much of a life, really.. All I do is sit and wait for the day I feel okay again, so I can make the most out of it.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm cursed because of my ability to adapt and always be happy.. Before my disorder struck me, I was the kinda person who'd get estatic over nothing. If nothing was going on, I'd create my own adventure. I'd take a bikeride into the unknown, sit down at a bench and reach out to strangers - only to hear their tales. I was strange and impulsive, but always excited.
But then my disorder struck me, and now I can barely move from my bed to the bathroom. I make the most out of things, but I'm clouded by unexplained emotions and feelings.. Sometimes my brain just feels "cloudy", other times it feels as though I'm 3 seconds away from being slaughtered - and although I don't believe it, my body surely does. And then I have to struggle with the symtoms of terror and panic. Only to be exhausted, pass out.. And bam, there goes my dayrythm. Again.
I want to be neutral. I want to be in charge of how my day turns out.. I don't want my brain and my body to play tricks on me any longer. I want to go to the cinema without fear, I want to take a walk without the panic, I want to seize the day without the falls.
