Woop

Time passes and things change; problems previously found within are now to be found elsewhere. Coping is a magical art, and once you master it your real life may begin.

You seemed so promising, though. Too good to be true. After I found out, a rage started building up within.. After the calamity, my attitude was forced to change. Fake smiles and a swelling bitterness. You're toxic.

OoOoOo

Meh..
New week, new responsibilities. I'm facing my third semester, and it's going alright. I have quit World of Warcraft (for a while) in order to focus 100% on my studies.. But I still cannot seem to keep myself entirely under control. So far I've not missed out on too much, and I'm halfway through the semester. But each time I have been gone there's been the more mental reasons behind it, rather than physical. I do suffer from quite a lot of different crap, and it makes me sometimes unable to function regularly outside my appartment.. Well, it's also a bit self-protection. When I fall, if I do go out, I have a tendency to fall even further and harder - and that often leads to more "skipping". Another thing is my hallusinations and panic attacks. They also make me not want to attend. Nothing more embarrasing than losing it infront of lots of people I consider my enemies (Me against the world attitude...)
Anyhow, today I woke up with a strong physical issue. A strong ache in my stomach, eventually leading to me vomiting. So I had to stay at home.. And I don't like to stay at home when my brain was ready to go and even looking forward to it. Now I gain additional burdens and guilt, and only because my body wouldn't function. I did not plan for this, and I do not know how to make up for this kinda guilt easily - without messing up even more stuff in my life.

I am not whining though, I am very content now for the first time in many years. Despite my panic disorder and constant sadness / heavy feeling / emptyness - I feel like there's hope. And that keeps me going and keeps me sane.
I just hope I will do fine during my 10 exams this spring, so I can enter my last year with ease.. But I am not sure how able I am. I have missed out on 2 classes in the subject I find the hardest. This is a shame... I am not sure reading alone will make up for this, so all I can do is hope that I wont get those topics for my exam.

Alright. That's it.. Need to try to let some stuff out once in a while, rather than letting it bottle up inside me..

No idea what to say to you

We used to talk at all times, about everything.. I remember I was 12, you were my world. I knew we'd always be together. I spent my whole life worrying about your well-being. You always got caught up in some dangerous situations.. You weren't ready for me, but you had me anyway. And that's fine.. You made a lot of bad calls, you were impulsive and you used me as support.
I made my own decisions for as long as I can remember. I felt I could control you. There was never any discipline, just love. And that was fine. You needed me to be a supportive friend, you had no leftovers to spare for me needing you. So I grew up earlier than I should have.. The situations you put into my life wrecked my safety bubble.. I knew early on that I wasn't immortal. I knew I could die, I knew you could die.. I knew about murder, rape, violence, blood. And that was fine, too.
It wasn't all your fault. You were weak and made a poor call having me.

But then you had her as well.. I tried to tell you not to, although who listens to a 7 year old for relationship and family advice?
I told you not to move in with him, but why listen to a 7 year old? I don't hold that against you. I was perhaps brighter than the average 7 year old, but how could you know.

After wards I was filled with hatred.. She was part of him, the guy who taught me how unsafe the world is after the world tried to teach me the world is safe, I was just unlucky, after the first one.
She would connect us to pain and fear forever, and you kept her, while I told you not to..
You could barely give me anything close to stability, how would you manage with 2 of us?
But it's okay, I don't blame you.

You've always been so kind and loving.. You've always helped people in need, put yourself entirely aside. You always bring out the best in people. You're like a saint.
So how can I hate you?
I can't.. But I am so angry with you.

I was 16, I fled my country.. I decided I didn't want to go to high school. Why did you let me?
Had a nervous breakdown, why didn't you try to push me out of it? Why let me stay in bed all day long and eat myself huge? You need to think more ahead.
And then I moved in with him.. And when I came back, it was as if I had never existed.
Ever since then all we had was broken.. You never spoke to me like before, we were like strangers.

You keep up a mask on social medias like Facebook, act like we're so close and that you love me more than anything. But behind closed doors, I hear from you so rarely. You know nothing that's been going on in my life in the past 4 years. You never ask, and you never initiate any interest in me.. With my social problems, that's enough for me to back off on this department.. And everytime I do break out, while I'm drunk, I feel so ashamed of myself the next day.
Every promise that you make has been broken.. And there are more to come. And the few times you do speak to me, you act like everything is the same.
It isn't.. You pushed me away, took her with you and left.. To be with another one of those dickheads you chose. Maybe he's not violent, but he's not been good for you either.
You tell me we'll see each other often, it's a couple of times a year. We never talk on the phone, you never ask how I'm doing in school, you never ask if there's someone special in my life, you never ask what my future will bring?
Even my father, the guy who's tore me to shreds, pulls this off better.
I respect that he atleast has some interest in me and my life. It's nice to have someone ask what you're up to once in a while.. But it seems you take out everything on her.. My kitchen breaks, after I have to pay a major bill on the car you just sold me.. She gets a new and expensive TV. I know I was never like you, and she is.. But you brought me here, how can you have no interest in knowing what I've become?

I miss the old days..  When I didn't feel like screaming my lungs out everytime you say hello.. Cause hello always leads to something uncomfortable.

I wish you'd stay away this Christmas, so I could sulk in my own misery, rather than being reminded of who you are and what I can never have again.

Hate

It's consuming me.
Times move on, but things don't get better. The same problems remain, but instead of being resolved, they're left to rot inside of me.. The sources of my problems, atleast the living ones, are making it a point to dodge all my efforts of confrontation.
Now maybe I ought to shake these sources out of my life, and leave it unresolved. But it's not an easy decision to rid yourself of your own blood.
There's guilt, there's doubt, the child in you comes forwards..
I don't know what to do.

All I know is that I'm consumed with hatred.. I have become bitter. I feel so much rage and anguish that my hands start shaking, and my brain enter a mind-numbing mode of dealing.
I'm nauseous all the time, I see disturbing images.. I want to cry, I want to shout, I want to stab, I want to punch, I want to rip to shreds.. But in the end, I lock this all up inside of me.. And I end up going nowhere.

I used to harm myself whenever I'd be filled with this kinda rage, but then one day I realized I am not the one who deserves to be harmed. I'm innocent and I'm betrayed. So instead I hold it in, because I never want to lay my hands on another.. And it's breaking me.

-You let me down.
-You disappoint me.
-You act impulsively and don't involve me in decisions that directly impact me.
-You turn your back on me when I'm in need, yet complain that I'm not sympathizing enough. Your worst sorrow in life has been your problems adapting to responsibilities and adulthood. I cannot sympathize, there's too much pain out there and yours seem so minor.
-You make promises after promises, and never keep a single one of them.. Your guilt makes you promise things you don't want to keep, and then you let me down even more.
Those were meant for people I have personal bonds with.

Now comes the ones for the less personal ones:
-You're ignorant. In a conflict, there's always a wrongdoer and a victim. You only see the side you sympathize with, and you take it as the truth.
-You roll in your arrogance, spread it around.
-You lack depth, and grieve over spilled milk, poor little rich kid.
-You're blue-eyed, but still think you know it all..

I need to get away.. I cannot stay here any longer. Your faces appear distorted, because my hatred draws forward your true face. The inner face will always arise.
How long must I isolate myself? To protect you from my wrath..... To protect myself from the pain that's inflicted.

I've never had anyone. I've been tossed around like a useless object, and abandoned by everyone who made a promise. I am unable to function on a normal level, any longer. I used to take pride upon my uniqueness, now it's become a reality I can't get away from.

I'm not sad, any longer, really... I am just wrathful, and I want retribution.
I wanna tie up all lose ends, jump on a ship and float away into a fresh beginning.

But I have no more strength. My potential is wasted, I cannot reach to the locked away wall in my mind.. And without it, I cannot overcome. So I reach no further than mediocre, because I don't have the resources you have. I never did. I try to balance a thousand balls, while you have 3, and the assistance of your whole army.
Why does the world expect me to climb the same tree with different resources? Why am I being labelled based on my skills to fly as an elephant, while you (the genius) are a bird.

Go away and leave my sight, and take with you this endless night.

W00t W00t.
It's 1.03pm on this ice cold Thursday.
I've just returned from my school. I had some Science with Physics aim today and some English. All went well. Overall, really interested in the topic we've got in Science nowadays, and English is usually a walk in the park.. Maybe not so much when I'm asked to translate, though. Something just happens in my brain when someone requests me to translate. The thing is: I don't usually learn a language by converting from a base language. I try to visualize the meaning of the words instead. It's a technique that I found rather helpful, seeing as you kinda turn the language into your own then. But yeah, that makes me weak at translating. Especially since my mother tongue is a little rusty nowadays. I rarely use it.. In fact, since I was 15-16 years of age, I've been using the language once or twice a week for 10 minutes or less. Yes, I do hear it a lot more nowadays, seeing as I'm in school. And that does improve my skills (somewhat).. But using it, myself, is a different story. I feel as unstable in Norwegian as I am with Dutch (which I also haven't been using a lot lately).
So yeah.... Need to work on that. Since one of my subjects is Norwegian, I'll probably get several of opportunities to do so.
Anyhow, something strange happened today.. Yes, I'm probably making a big deal of it and all, but I always do when it's related to the social :P
A girl in my class requested for me to sit with her today in class. I accepted, and hung out with her a bit.. Then she gives me this note with a present in it. It said something like "To my friend in English class. Have a nice day". A mascara. Tbh, comes in handy since I'm out of fresh mascaras. Felt really awkward, though. I didn't know how to react, as I haven't talked to her a lot. At the same time I don't know what all these social protocols are. I was really happy, but showing that would maybe seem a little exaggerated.. But then again, not showing it might be rude. I couldn't find a good balance there, so I sat and pondered that for the hours to follow.
A few minutes ago, I concluded that I'd send her a thank you through facebook.. With a request for her to assist me in Math. I didn't mean that in a rude way, but she offered - and I felt the thank you came out a bit cheesy if it was all by itself. Tbh, I'd rather not get any help in Math. I hate bothering people with my issues, at the same time I like to be alone - or I don't dare to be with others.. Not sure of which one it is, really.
Anyhow I'm not sure if that's a signal that she wants to be my friend? And if it is, how do I respond in a casual and normal way? My socializing nature has been severely damaged (if it was ever there), so I don't know how to do these kinda things.. Should I say hello, or am I too needy then? Can I ask to sit with her in class, or will that be too inconvenient? I'm really uncertain about everything social.
I'm not even sure what I want..
One thing's for sure.. I'm socially deprived, and therefore I tend to make a bigger deal out of things. And yes, I end up obsessing - and therefore I chose not to bother; since it drains me of time and energy. Somehow an evil circle.. I just wish I could turn things around.
Confusing, confusing..
Wish there was a good book to read about social protocols.

Bitterness and anguish. Nothing can ever move forward, without taking a major leap backwards. No matter how I try to look at things, it's always the same. The same bad things keep repeating themselves over and over again, while I have yet to see any of those supposedly positive things happening.
To some degree, my luck is in my hands right?
But not entirely, really. Yes, I can control how I prioritize my means and how I spend my time. I haven't given up yet, and I'm not planning to any time soon.
But there's a massive headache going on.
I'm not on the same side as the others. Never have, never will be.
It's like I have some serious bad luck spree hanging over my head, following me from east to west, left to right, alfa to omega.
Been waiting for over 3 years for something good to happen. Some bright and shiny thing that could make me smile. But instead the only good things I can provide for are the material goods. I can provide myself with nutritions, I can keep myself warm at night, I can buy myself the goods I want, I can keep my head above the ground, and I can work for my future. But not entirely that either.
I'm unemployed. I'm born with a mental defection that evolved due to poor judgement by my parents and general unidealistic situations to raise a child in. I'm receiving benefits while working towards my high school degree (that I never had).
It's tempting to put all this responsibility onto someone else. Why did my mom let me flee my country, rather than getting a stable education? Why did she never ask me to do anything for myself? Why didn't anyone teach me how to pick up my own slack? But it's also my own fault. Cause I made the decisions I made, I am not trapped by my mother and father's poor decision making skills.
I was a test subject, sure. A failed one as well. But once I realized, I should have been able to clean up my own mess.. But I just can't. I'm too busy hating the world, hating humanity, being disgusted by myself and all others, wanting more, feeling envious of everyone else.
I'm digging my own grave, yet I feel as if I don't have any strength to get out and up. I don't feel like there's anything I can do. I'm bad at most things, and the few things I'm decent at - I'm actually just pretty average (if not less) at.
23 years old, and never had a chance to live.
Born into an unstable situation of domestic violence and other negative things. 6 years of age, we shook of that guy, only for my mother to find another one - and domestic violence, here we come again. Add some alcohol and drugs, and we're there.
Then I lost my mind. Struggled with hallusinations and panic attacks my whole childhood. Never had the will to socialize, as I knew I was too different to make a friend.. So I isolated myself.
By the time I was 15, I just wanted a fresh start.
So I left my country, all by myself..
I lost some weight and started putting my life together. I had a few happy years there. 3, to be specific.
But then my hallusinations come back, and I'm incapable of functioning.
After that I've been more or less handicapped. I barely manage to carry my disgusting lump of a body out of my doorstep. I barely manage to do anything. I just wait for the time to pass, and dream about things that can never happen to me.
I have no one. Everyone left me (family and relatives). I don't talk to anyone, I have never had a friend, I keep up this fake bond between my mother and sister once in a while, but in reality they don't care. My mother dumped me off as soon as she thought I got in the way. She must have figured I'd never be normal, so she had to make sure I'd stay out of her way. I don't blame her, it's natural to get rid of negativity. I just wish she had never created me to begin with. Cause I can't carry my own weight. There's nothing in the whole world that can keep me together. I'm bad at everything, so even if I do everything right, I'm pretty sure I can't even graduate high school. My big dream is to attend an university, and to be able to leave this country once and for all. Have a true fresh start. But this is a big if.. Cause I already have huge issues just attending school, as it requires me to leave my bubble. I feel like my brain is constantly tired, and I just wanna go away.. Silence, darkness.. atlast.
But barriers are everywhere. I can never economically be stable. Things break all around me, preferably they chose to do it all at once - just so it'll be extra painful and impossible to fix.
Sometimes I wish I had someone to open up to. A friend. Someone who could make me love myself, or even them. Restore some faith in humanity, even.. Cause as of now, I see you all (and me included) as stinking, disgusting, selfish, cold, cynical, evil, sexual beasts who make me gag. There is no good in anyone.

But.. maybe I just don't fit in this world. I'm sorry for taking up a spot and draining resources. I'm too big of a pussy to face the unknown.

So as I've removed most of my problems, one by one, I've started to realize that I'm not entirely in control of it all.
There are several things influencing me at all times.. I somehow got it in my head that cigarettes were (for example) what makes me so easily depressed.. But I've been clean for about a month now, and I still have frequent falls that have nothing to do with my self-loath for smoking.
All in all, I'm pleased with not smoking any longer and I never intend to change that. I have gotten rid of a couple of problems that came hand in hand with cigarettes..
But there are more.
I honestly have no clue what makes the depression sneak upon me so frequently. I go through a 2-3 day depression spree on a weekly basis, and never without an apparent reason.
I just can't get out of bed, my head feels heavy, my heart empty, my brain reduced.. I feel like some form of zombie incapable of feeling emotions. Or atleast, incapable of feeling most emotions. Cause there's this faint feeling of sorrow at all times, but I don't understand where it's coming from.
Sometimes I know why.. Sometimes it's just cause nothing "clicks" with my brain. This world was designed by people who decided to exclude my kind. Nothing is done the way I feel natural and comfortable with, and  I keep having to make major gestures to adapt - which drains and wounds me.
I can escape it all, though.. Maybe more than most. I have a "general pardon" caused by my discovered mental disorder (I suspect there are a few undiscovered ones as well, since I carry too many problems for this one) so no one expects much from me. I impress while I personally feel disappointed in myself.
Not that I have much human contact though. I feel it's too messy. Nothing "clicks" there at all, and it only adds complications.
But escaping isn't enough... I want more. I want to live a fulfilling life. I want to fall in love, feel pride, feel accomplishments. I want to be in control, I want to see myself evolve.. I'm sick of this one step forward, two steps back kinda life I am forced to live. Unless someone carries me, I never make it anywhere.
I can't be carried forever, and I most definately can't keep failing.
I'm 23 now.. My birthday has just passed.. 23 and I've accomplished nothing. I'm not even close to the end of my education, nor am I doing in particular impressive. I have no friends. I don't keep in touch with family or realtives. I don't have a driver's lisence. I don't have much of a life, really.. All I do is sit and wait for the day I feel okay again, so I can make the most out of it.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm cursed because of my ability to adapt and always be happy.. Before my disorder struck me, I was the kinda person who'd get estatic over nothing. If nothing was going on, I'd create my own adventure. I'd take a bikeride into the unknown, sit down at a bench and reach out to strangers - only to hear their tales. I was strange and impulsive, but always excited.
But then my disorder struck me, and now I can barely move from my bed to the bathroom. I make the most out of things, but I'm clouded by unexplained emotions and feelings.. Sometimes my brain just feels "cloudy", other times it feels as though I'm 3 seconds away from being slaughtered - and although I don't believe it, my body surely does. And then I have to struggle with the symtoms of terror and panic. Only to be exhausted, pass out.. And bam, there goes my dayrythm. Again.
I want to be neutral. I want to be in charge of how my day turns out.. I don't want my brain and my body to play tricks on me any longer. I want to go to the cinema without fear, I want to take a walk without the panic, I want to seize the day without the falls.